i didn't quite plan to type this post now - it's almost 3 a.m., and i have plans to start spring cleaning when i wake up, so my room will be neat and in order when i leave for beijing. but i can't sleep. and maybe, some 6 or 7 bus stops away, quents isn't sleeping too. though i highly doubt it, because he has school in a couple of hours' time. besides, he went for the wake twice. can these things get to you twice?
i'm not sure whether it was the wake, or because i had a nap in the afternoon, but i'm finding it rather difficult to find sleep tonight. this morning, rather.
i think, once you get to a certain age, and someone you know commits suicide, it's no longer so much a question of why as it is a question of was there anything at all i could have done? after all, death's one of life's certainties, and i think we end up getting used to the idea of people dying. not that we don't feel grief or a sense of loss, but you get to the stage where you realise that the world doesn't stop for anyone. you could hear that someone you know committed suicide, and you could go right on into the kitchen and prepare dinner because you know there are hungry people coming home and they expect a hot meal. that's just the way it is.
all the hymns we sang last night took on a strange, new meaning.
what have i to dread, what have i to fear,
leaning on the everlasting arms;
i have blessed peace with my Lord so near,
leaning on the everlasting arms.
what hurt the most was seeing her bible, the NIV women's devotional version, lying neatly in front of her picture. its pink cover was faded, it was wrapped in yellowing plastic, and its pages were turning brown. we thought she was leaning on the everlasting arms, and yet there was so much she dreaded and so much she feared, there's so much we dread and fear. it's been debated, whether christians who take their own lives go to heaven: but maybe she knew she could only find that blessed peace of the hymn in physical death. now is that a why? question phrased differently? funnily enough, i felt certain that she had really gone home to be with the Lord.
the homily was about coping with loss, which i somehow felt was entirely inappropriate. honestly, i don't think i was the only one who thought so either. i thought it should have been on loving one another...not that the people there didn't love her. i'm sure they did. it's just that they didn't realise how much, until she was gone.
***
two sundays ago i raised my head after the prayer, feeling rather more light-hearted than when the service had started. and then i looked out into the congregation from the choir pews, and just like that, the feeling was gone. i saw my parents' friend whose husband's a non-christian, and something she said to my mum which she repeated to me echoed in my mind sometimes i feel like a widow. and there, further behind, was the ex-boyfriend of one of my oldest friends. i used to cry because he'd cancel dates with me and my dad would get really angry, he said that no boy should make his daughter cry. then there was a maid who literally had to carry a wheelchair-bound old lady onto the pew.
so many difficult lives. but you can't tell us apart when all our heads are bowed, can you? and you'll never know how we live our lives the other six days of the week unless we tell you. but were you going to ask? and even if you knew, would you do anything about it? could you?
i've had the chance to feel dreadfully lonely. the fact that i didn't type it as Dreadfully Lonely means that i really did feel that way. quents' mother thinks that perhaps, she felt alone, jon thinks perhaps she felt suffocated (there, is that another why? question?).
if it was because she felt alone, then i believe i can see why she did it. being apart from jon, it's like a suddenly i see time: you understand a little more why people do certain things (ah, an answer to the why? question!). why feelings of hopelessness and loneliness are enough to drive people to take their lives, or, on a less drastic level, why they decide to let themselves go and binge eat, or cheat on their partners. feeling lonely, coupled with being alone with your own thoughts, is enough to make anyone go mad or do things they could end up regretting for an entire lifetime.
which is why we have to keep on choosing. choosing God, and thereby choosing hope, and Life. and that's also why we need each other. i think we do play a part in the choices made by those we love, and those who love us; maybe, just maybe, that was the only choice left for her to make. who knows? i know we'll never know why, but i know what we're going to keep on believing.
because He lives, i can face tomorrow
because He lives, all fear is gone
because i know, i know He holds the future
and life is worth the living, just because He lives
is it, now?
i'm not sure whether it was the wake, or because i had a nap in the afternoon, but i'm finding it rather difficult to find sleep tonight. this morning, rather.
i think, once you get to a certain age, and someone you know commits suicide, it's no longer so much a question of why as it is a question of was there anything at all i could have done? after all, death's one of life's certainties, and i think we end up getting used to the idea of people dying. not that we don't feel grief or a sense of loss, but you get to the stage where you realise that the world doesn't stop for anyone. you could hear that someone you know committed suicide, and you could go right on into the kitchen and prepare dinner because you know there are hungry people coming home and they expect a hot meal. that's just the way it is.
all the hymns we sang last night took on a strange, new meaning.
what have i to dread, what have i to fear,
leaning on the everlasting arms;
i have blessed peace with my Lord so near,
leaning on the everlasting arms.
what hurt the most was seeing her bible, the NIV women's devotional version, lying neatly in front of her picture. its pink cover was faded, it was wrapped in yellowing plastic, and its pages were turning brown. we thought she was leaning on the everlasting arms, and yet there was so much she dreaded and so much she feared, there's so much we dread and fear. it's been debated, whether christians who take their own lives go to heaven: but maybe she knew she could only find that blessed peace of the hymn in physical death. now is that a why? question phrased differently? funnily enough, i felt certain that she had really gone home to be with the Lord.
the homily was about coping with loss, which i somehow felt was entirely inappropriate. honestly, i don't think i was the only one who thought so either. i thought it should have been on loving one another...not that the people there didn't love her. i'm sure they did. it's just that they didn't realise how much, until she was gone.
***
two sundays ago i raised my head after the prayer, feeling rather more light-hearted than when the service had started. and then i looked out into the congregation from the choir pews, and just like that, the feeling was gone. i saw my parents' friend whose husband's a non-christian, and something she said to my mum which she repeated to me echoed in my mind sometimes i feel like a widow. and there, further behind, was the ex-boyfriend of one of my oldest friends. i used to cry because he'd cancel dates with me and my dad would get really angry, he said that no boy should make his daughter cry. then there was a maid who literally had to carry a wheelchair-bound old lady onto the pew.
so many difficult lives. but you can't tell us apart when all our heads are bowed, can you? and you'll never know how we live our lives the other six days of the week unless we tell you. but were you going to ask? and even if you knew, would you do anything about it? could you?
i've had the chance to feel dreadfully lonely. the fact that i didn't type it as Dreadfully Lonely means that i really did feel that way. quents' mother thinks that perhaps, she felt alone, jon thinks perhaps she felt suffocated (there, is that another why? question?).
if it was because she felt alone, then i believe i can see why she did it. being apart from jon, it's like a suddenly i see time: you understand a little more why people do certain things (ah, an answer to the why? question!). why feelings of hopelessness and loneliness are enough to drive people to take their lives, or, on a less drastic level, why they decide to let themselves go and binge eat, or cheat on their partners. feeling lonely, coupled with being alone with your own thoughts, is enough to make anyone go mad or do things they could end up regretting for an entire lifetime.
which is why we have to keep on choosing. choosing God, and thereby choosing hope, and Life. and that's also why we need each other. i think we do play a part in the choices made by those we love, and those who love us; maybe, just maybe, that was the only choice left for her to make. who knows? i know we'll never know why, but i know what we're going to keep on believing.
because He lives, i can face tomorrow
because He lives, all fear is gone
because i know, i know He holds the future
and life is worth the living, just because He lives
is it, now?
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