Email Exchange of The Week, and Some Random Thoughts
You know how, whenever someone rings you and speaks in a whisper, you always feel obliged to reply in a whisper even though most of the time you probably don't need to?
It happens in emails too.
D: [insert piece of office gossip, typed in italics]
Me: why are you typing in italics? is it meant to represent the fact that you are telling me something in a whisper? in which case maybe it should be in small font?
Then there was the NEH NEH NEH email.
Me: have you seen this (those boysnightout and girlsnightout application forms) NEH NEH NEH
D, the other one: i read your email as have you seen this boob boob boob
Which is really -_-, if you think about it. And shows that D, the other one, is a real cheeko.
***
Anyhow, I'm going to be called to the bar in a little over a month - wah almost lawyer already, right - but just now, when I encountered a group of Cool People I Used To Know, I felt tremendously awkward, and simply couldn't bring myself to go up to them and say hi. Even though they acknowledged my presence and smiled and waved.
I felt like an insecure teenager all over again. Look at how I used the phrase "acknolwedged my presence."
I was telling D the other day when he very kindly gave me a lift home after work that I prayed before that I'd never forget how it felt to be insecure as a teenager. I prayed for that because I think it's one of the worst feelings girls go through; and then there are those who never get to feeling at ease with themselves, who usually end up being socially awkward and the ones people like to pick on. Sometimes for reasons so flimsy you know somewhere in your heart of hearts that you do it only because it makes you (me) feel better about yourself (myself). Would remembering make it easier to be kind and gracious though? I'm ashamed to say I'm not so sure anymore. More on that sometime.
Moving on to other random realisations I've had in the past week: being a lawyer is actually Totally Unglam and Uncool. And that's why I think I'm going to stick at it. Or maybe I was just blessed to get an unpretentious boss.
It's humbling, and it's good, to be reminded often of how dispensable I am in the grander scheme of things, how I'm really just an ant scurrying about my way trying not to be trodden on by some inconsiderate human (although I hate ants, the sight of what must be hundreds of them converging on some fallen crumb gives me the creeps). It helps me to look forward to heaven, and spurs me to choose to be contented with whatever comes my way.
Even after retention, the feelings of inadequacy and wanting to feel important so I can feel good about myself remain. Read: getting good work, or rather what I perceive to be "good work" to do, and having enough of it so that I have to stay back late. Feeling that my boss likes me. And why shouldn't those feelings still be there, actually? They were linked to, but still independent of my competitive spirit. Which I'm not proud of, but I'm only human after all and I do think I tried my best to entrust that part of my life to God.
I'm not sick of practice - far from it - and this is not going to be one of those "What On Earth Am I Doing With My Life?" posts. I just find these feelings I have amusing, pathetic and necessary all at once, and thought I'd share them with you. And I'm not the only one, and young lawyers aren't the only ones who feel this way. There was an article in the Sunday Times written by a young journalist who said she felt that way too. I had to work that weekend I think (there, that's a feel-good thing), and on Sunday was simply too tired to read it.
What is it people my age really want now, anyway? I can't deny that I was swayed by the posh reception areas with fancy artwork, as well as all the stereotypes people have perpetrated about lawyers. The long hours, the money, the fancy meals, sharp clothes and even sharper tongues. That sophisticated aura lawyers in TV shows always give off (yes, even Ally McBeal had it).
But there you have it. Most of the time it's not actually like that at all, and not everyone gets to do exciting, big cases and deals - things which would make me feel good about myself and my worth, if I did care to admit it. Which I just have. And you know, what I'm doing now was what I actually saw myself doing when I first decided I wanted to go to law school all the way back then. And on top of that I get to keep decent hours. Which is a miracle and a blessing, something that shows me God does care about my life and who He wants me to be.
So a contented ant I'll be, with my contented worker ant boyfriend, and I'll see you back here in a bit with pictures of us at mass call. How Very Exciting, Hor?
It happens in emails too.
D: [insert piece of office gossip, typed in italics]
Me: why are you typing in italics? is it meant to represent the fact that you are telling me something in a whisper? in which case maybe it should be in small font?
Then there was the NEH NEH NEH email.
Me: have you seen this (those boysnightout and girlsnightout application forms) NEH NEH NEH
D, the other one: i read your email as have you seen this boob boob boob
Which is really -_-, if you think about it. And shows that D, the other one, is a real cheeko.
***
Anyhow, I'm going to be called to the bar in a little over a month - wah almost lawyer already, right - but just now, when I encountered a group of Cool People I Used To Know, I felt tremendously awkward, and simply couldn't bring myself to go up to them and say hi. Even though they acknowledged my presence and smiled and waved.
I felt like an insecure teenager all over again. Look at how I used the phrase "acknolwedged my presence."
I was telling D the other day when he very kindly gave me a lift home after work that I prayed before that I'd never forget how it felt to be insecure as a teenager. I prayed for that because I think it's one of the worst feelings girls go through; and then there are those who never get to feeling at ease with themselves, who usually end up being socially awkward and the ones people like to pick on. Sometimes for reasons so flimsy you know somewhere in your heart of hearts that you do it only because it makes you (me) feel better about yourself (myself). Would remembering make it easier to be kind and gracious though? I'm ashamed to say I'm not so sure anymore. More on that sometime.
Moving on to other random realisations I've had in the past week: being a lawyer is actually Totally Unglam and Uncool. And that's why I think I'm going to stick at it. Or maybe I was just blessed to get an unpretentious boss.
It's humbling, and it's good, to be reminded often of how dispensable I am in the grander scheme of things, how I'm really just an ant scurrying about my way trying not to be trodden on by some inconsiderate human (although I hate ants, the sight of what must be hundreds of them converging on some fallen crumb gives me the creeps). It helps me to look forward to heaven, and spurs me to choose to be contented with whatever comes my way.
Even after retention, the feelings of inadequacy and wanting to feel important so I can feel good about myself remain. Read: getting good work, or rather what I perceive to be "good work" to do, and having enough of it so that I have to stay back late. Feeling that my boss likes me. And why shouldn't those feelings still be there, actually? They were linked to, but still independent of my competitive spirit. Which I'm not proud of, but I'm only human after all and I do think I tried my best to entrust that part of my life to God.
I'm not sick of practice - far from it - and this is not going to be one of those "What On Earth Am I Doing With My Life?" posts. I just find these feelings I have amusing, pathetic and necessary all at once, and thought I'd share them with you. And I'm not the only one, and young lawyers aren't the only ones who feel this way. There was an article in the Sunday Times written by a young journalist who said she felt that way too. I had to work that weekend I think (there, that's a feel-good thing), and on Sunday was simply too tired to read it.
What is it people my age really want now, anyway? I can't deny that I was swayed by the posh reception areas with fancy artwork, as well as all the stereotypes people have perpetrated about lawyers. The long hours, the money, the fancy meals, sharp clothes and even sharper tongues. That sophisticated aura lawyers in TV shows always give off (yes, even Ally McBeal had it).
But there you have it. Most of the time it's not actually like that at all, and not everyone gets to do exciting, big cases and deals - things which would make me feel good about myself and my worth, if I did care to admit it. Which I just have. And you know, what I'm doing now was what I actually saw myself doing when I first decided I wanted to go to law school all the way back then. And on top of that I get to keep decent hours. Which is a miracle and a blessing, something that shows me God does care about my life and who He wants me to be.
So a contented ant I'll be, with my contented worker ant boyfriend, and I'll see you back here in a bit with pictures of us at mass call. How Very Exciting, Hor?
