quents gave me a lift home from this year's chinese new year gathering, which was a dinner-time one and held in potong pasir at shannon's place. and as the conversation progressed on the way home i suddenly felt like weeping. because i nurse a fear that my friends who are guys will stop loving me, as i will them, and i will leave them behind. which i sometimes feel - fear, rather - i'm already doing. and worst of all, it's not a conscious thing. it just happen(s?)(ed?), what with the two year gap because of NS, the different things we're doing in university and out of university - and all of us, save for liz and kenneth, have ended up dating out of our (at times) annoying jiak kantang ac circle. and these relationships all look set to last a long, long time.
i didn't weep, of course. one doesn't do these things, and besides, i was too tired.
there's nothing to weep about also lah, really. when i get over this whole Growing Up nonsense i will admit to myself that it is rather lovely to be moving on with your life and planning for your future, and being glad for your friends' futures at the same time.
i told joel (jon's younger brother, who very kindly went for a choir gathering with me on the third day of the new year) that i'd probably go through almost anything for jon wrong and quents. and it's nights when i feel like this that i wonder why i know i would, no questions asked.
i don't think i'm ever going to quite forgive jon wrong for making us sit through daywatch though. granted, shannon was at fault too, for renting it in the first place; but the movie was So Painful, liz and i were fighting to turn off the dvd player the moment we realised we were never going to get the plot. which was sometime into the first 15 minutes of the show.
sometimes, like this time, now, i feel like i'm fighting time. time with his army of minutes and hours, seconds and weeks. invincible, never to be beaten. he will soldier on, and we're pretty much defenceless against him.
time has to be a him, i can't imagine time being a her.
when i started university, i never actually gave much thought to the fact that doing law would lead to my being a lawyer. the closest i came to truly acknowledging that law school=lawyer was being interested in pro bono work and being a guardian ad litem. that's when the state picks you to represent children in matters such as their welfare and custody. and then i had ideas about setting up childcare centres where children who needed this service could come and be looked after.
so of course, to actually do that, you need to be a lawyer; perhaps i did acknowledge that after all, in my own way.
but i've come to see that being a lawyer here in singapore more or less means slogging it out in the corporate world. i might be wrong, and i suppose i really ought not to make such sweeping statements until i'm actually out there working: stay tuned to this space. i just don't think i'd be happy if i didn't have time to go for runs and walks, watch tv and cook dinner for jon. and most importantly, i wouldn't be happy if i couldn't read my bible and love people whole-heartedly as it commands us to do without finding it a chore because my mind is too weighed down by what i have to do at work. and it seems that that's the way it's gonna be, for the first few years at least. will i have time for these things? i tell myself that as long as i want to make time, there will be time, but i can't help having my doubts.
also, heels give me headaches and blisters, and i detest ironing clothes which pretend to be the wrinkle-free sort. BLIARS, all of them.
some of the most peaceful times i had in 2007 were when i was sitting in quents' car, usually at the back, listening idly to the others talk nonsense while i did nothing except gaze out of the car window at expanses of blue sky, clouds and tree-tops. sometimes i got sunsets too.
jon tells me i'll get over these things, that we'll all get through university and come out and find that we're better friends than ever, things like that - but this is one of those times when i really don't know, and i wish we were sitting at the bleachers with only our a levels to worry about. how long the entire exam period seemed, how soon it was over, and we were one step closer to the Rest of Our Lives.
***
from now on, everytime i hear wang bu liao, i know i'll remember quents being slightly freaked out because we told him it reminded us of ghosts in cheongsams with red roses in their hair smiling sweetly and eerily from mirrors. which wasn't very nice, because he was giving us a lift home.
still, that's what friends are for.
i didn't weep, of course. one doesn't do these things, and besides, i was too tired.
there's nothing to weep about also lah, really. when i get over this whole Growing Up nonsense i will admit to myself that it is rather lovely to be moving on with your life and planning for your future, and being glad for your friends' futures at the same time.
i told joel (jon's younger brother, who very kindly went for a choir gathering with me on the third day of the new year) that i'd probably go through almost anything for jon wrong and quents. and it's nights when i feel like this that i wonder why i know i would, no questions asked.
i don't think i'm ever going to quite forgive jon wrong for making us sit through daywatch though. granted, shannon was at fault too, for renting it in the first place; but the movie was So Painful, liz and i were fighting to turn off the dvd player the moment we realised we were never going to get the plot. which was sometime into the first 15 minutes of the show.
sometimes, like this time, now, i feel like i'm fighting time. time with his army of minutes and hours, seconds and weeks. invincible, never to be beaten. he will soldier on, and we're pretty much defenceless against him.
time has to be a him, i can't imagine time being a her.
when i started university, i never actually gave much thought to the fact that doing law would lead to my being a lawyer. the closest i came to truly acknowledging that law school=lawyer was being interested in pro bono work and being a guardian ad litem. that's when the state picks you to represent children in matters such as their welfare and custody. and then i had ideas about setting up childcare centres where children who needed this service could come and be looked after.
so of course, to actually do that, you need to be a lawyer; perhaps i did acknowledge that after all, in my own way.
but i've come to see that being a lawyer here in singapore more or less means slogging it out in the corporate world. i might be wrong, and i suppose i really ought not to make such sweeping statements until i'm actually out there working: stay tuned to this space. i just don't think i'd be happy if i didn't have time to go for runs and walks, watch tv and cook dinner for jon. and most importantly, i wouldn't be happy if i couldn't read my bible and love people whole-heartedly as it commands us to do without finding it a chore because my mind is too weighed down by what i have to do at work. and it seems that that's the way it's gonna be, for the first few years at least. will i have time for these things? i tell myself that as long as i want to make time, there will be time, but i can't help having my doubts.
also, heels give me headaches and blisters, and i detest ironing clothes which pretend to be the wrinkle-free sort. BLIARS, all of them.
some of the most peaceful times i had in 2007 were when i was sitting in quents' car, usually at the back, listening idly to the others talk nonsense while i did nothing except gaze out of the car window at expanses of blue sky, clouds and tree-tops. sometimes i got sunsets too.
jon tells me i'll get over these things, that we'll all get through university and come out and find that we're better friends than ever, things like that - but this is one of those times when i really don't know, and i wish we were sitting at the bleachers with only our a levels to worry about. how long the entire exam period seemed, how soon it was over, and we were one step closer to the Rest of Our Lives.
***
from now on, everytime i hear wang bu liao, i know i'll remember quents being slightly freaked out because we told him it reminded us of ghosts in cheongsams with red roses in their hair smiling sweetly and eerily from mirrors. which wasn't very nice, because he was giving us a lift home.
still, that's what friends are for.
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