should old acquaintance be forgot, and days of auld lang syne?
some of you might disagree, but i think some of them, at least, should be. and sometimes it's not so much of a question of should and be forgot as it is a question of is and forgotten. is old acquaintance forgotten, and days of auld lang syne? now the answer to that, i think, is yes. some things are better left forgotten and unsaid, or, it's better to let sleeping dogs lie, we say. perhaps those are really excuses for the fact that we do forget. how do we not? as time goes by, as brain cells die. or we find Life and Love like no other we've ever experienced.

yet there are times when the past creates fear in the present. and that's the only time, i think, we don't forget - simply because we don't allow ourselves to. but here's a thought for 2008: God's intervention in your life was (or will be) as real as all the times you've sinned, or done something that made you feel horrible. more real, perhaps, than all those times. i know i need to remember that.

it's about half-an-hour to the sun setting as i'm sitting at my desk typing this, and i'm sure people all over the world are doing the same; trying to preserve the last measure of 2007 daylight in words that ultimately mean so little in the grander scheme of things. what's another new year, anyway? as the world parties on, bluffing itself that the mire we wade deeper into everyday doesn't exist there will be people who will die in the first minute, within the first hour of 2008 not knowing that Jesus died for them. what will anybody's words, what will their hopes and plans for 2008 matter then?

i spent the last day of 2007 buying new running shoes and watching across the universe with sean. do watch it if you're a beatles fan, it's got some truly lovely dream sequences (unfortunately signifying drug abuse) and extremely thoughtful covers of some of their best songs.

i wrote before, and i quote, (there are) days you feel the exact feeling i believe you get right after you know you've lost perhaps the only person you'll ever really love with that love which comes only once. it's the loss of that mad kind of love . . . the kind which some people are lucky enough to experience but once in a lifetime, and which i will believe forever i had the fortune to have had, as i write this with a sort of wistful longing as one of those who have joined those ranks. i wrote that in 2004, and to me, that's pretty much what the movie was about. that mad kind of love - they loved without fear said the trailer. when you were young, fearless, felt invincible, felt you could do anything just because you were together in the world, and when it ended you felt it would never be that way ever again ---

so now, forgive me if i sound old, cynical, jaded and disillusioned (i don't think i am in the least, really, and you should read on so you can conclude as to whether i am or not) but: BULLSHIT.

hur, hur, hur. this is NOT going to be an emo post about 2007 and the past. i mean, i'm like so totally over that kind of post, hello (now hold on while i check if there are any past posts to incriminate me)?!

well, okay. i'm not so totally over that kind of thing - but i believe i can say BULLSHIT! now because i got baptised and i believe i've found true freedom loving Jesus. which sounds so totally cliche but it's true! and can you like, so totally count the number of "so totally" 's i've used in the space of two paragraphs?

i will always enjoy, and be able to identify with movies like across the universe - think eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and love me if you dare - but in the movie the hero and heroine hook up right after the heroine's first boyfriend gets killed in the vietnam war. and even though i know sean and i both felt a sweet sort of wistfulness when she broke into if i fell in love with you i couldn't agree more when sean turned to me after they woke up in the morning in the hero's bed and said "that's like just major rebound lah!"

IT'S TRUE AND YOU KNOW IT.

call me preachy, but it's so much more comfortable and restful to be practical, to be older in Christ and wiser in His ways. because that's what the Bible says we were created for - "For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them," Ephesians 2:10 - and it follows that we will never find true contentment and joy in life unless we've surrendered our lives to Him to take care of. and i've found that no amount of telling yourself you have to get over something is as effective as telling yourself to believe that all your sins are forgiven, making you a child of God and best of all, a new creature in Him. no matter what's happened before.

"For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; so far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us." Psalm 103:12-13.

oh sure, i think i churned out writing that was a lot more poetic and thoughtful when i was younger and in the throes of youthful desperation and indulging in the belief that things would never be the same, in an i-am-only-eighteen-but-i've seen-so-much-of-love-and-life-already kind of way. and i'd probably have cried buckets if i'd watched across the universe when i was 17 or 18. but i don't think i'd want to be that way now. how unnecessarily complicated it makes things.

we don't ever think much of how the present will affect the future when we're living it, do we? especially when we're young - we were young, and foolish after all. i know i didn't. and i didn't know that i'd be haunted by whatever happened before when it happened in the before, and i'll bet anything jon didn't know i'd be haunted by whatever happened in his before. i don't think i'm avoiding the truth when i say that for us - for me really - it's a matter of trusting that God makes all things new if only we have faith in Jesus, and having faith that He did create us for each other. some things you just know, and don't question.

it is wearying, to have the world create doubts about true love, when you're struggling to cling on to everything He's promised, and you can't even see the "so much more" beyond that. and it is wearying, because you know you're rejecting God's blessings with each moment you allow the past to wear you down - what's more His blessings are right there waving pom-poms in front of you, bright red shiny ones catching the sunlight, and glow-in-the-dark ones for the torturous nights.

still, we are human after all; He never said there'd only be sunshine, and the Bible says that there is a time for everything. we hurt, but we also forgive, forget, realise that we're living in the Real World and there are people facing a lot more pain than we ever did and ever will. then He has also said that there is love, and there is prayer. what more can we do but enjoy Him once we've found Him?

i still believe people should be allowed to crash and burn though, because we're not alone, and it is necessary, to an extent. but please, try and live like there is a Tomorrow. because there will be, and one Tomorrow, Christ will come again. even if that doesn't happen soon, there'll be plenty of other Tomorrows for you to regret Yesterday.

***
i'll believe in you, if you believe in me; i'll believe in you, it's plain enough to see; i don't know when i don't know how, we'll make it through this world somehow - i'll believe in you and me.

the sun has set now, and that's what i'm going to do in 2008. i'm going to believe. i am going to believe that what i have now, and not what i had then, is true love. there's God's love, of course, the only true love there can be. but for what there is on earth, there is what i have with jon: bills to pay, slaving away for long hours to help rich people get richer so we can pay those bills. the possibility that one day we will be bored of each other, that we will quarrel, will say things we don't mean, which will hurt. and hurt like crazy.

wah lau, like that who wants to get married already right?

however, people do. and i believe (there i go already, and it's not even 2008!) that contrary to what i'd believed, i didn't have to "settle" for someone. i fell in love and this time i'm saying it i'm not going to add on an "again." because there is never an "again." write all the songs you want about love, and i will sing them and work out your fantastic chord progressions and recognise them anywhere. but i fell in love because God is a gracious and loving God, and that's all there is to it. and it's a love for Everyday, for better for worse. just like God's love for all of us.

chicken rice balls in malacca, and my favourite picture from our family holiday.

lukas is entering acjc next year. make me feel old only.

there's a place for us
my grandmother is getting older and it's making her forgetful, and uncertain of herself. sometimes i think she's becoming child-like - inquisitive, unaware of what's going on around her. and when she realises that the world is passing on by, faster and faster, she gets frightened, just like a child lost in vivo city on a crowded saturday afternoon. that's when she searches, reaches for my hand - and as much as it is trying for me to always take it, whether to lead her carefully up and down stairs, to cross the road, i accept it, tightening my grip around her smooth, small, fleshy palm. almost like a child's palm, only when you look down you see how wrinkled it is, that and the wedding band tightening the flesh on her fourth left finger betraying the fact that the prime of her life is over, not just beginning, never mind the slew of aphorisms about "life beginning at 60" and such like.

we had a malaysian family holiday - i secretly think we've had too many malaysian family holidays but i cannot tell my father this - like this recent one when i was nine. i remember lying in bed next to my grandmother late one night in a hotel room in genting, looking through the open window and thinking about her dying. and i felt tears come to my eyes, because then, it was a sad thought. it meant that there would be no more grandma to buy lukas and i snacks at tea-time, no more grandma to come to in the middle of the night because the dark threatened to consume you whole. i remember i used to launch myself off my bed and hurtle towards the faint glimmer of her night-light, heart beating tremendously fast and only going back to normal when i'd managed to wake her up and convince her to sleep on the roll-out bed in my room. there would be no more grandma for da-yi-por and er-yi-por to visit from china, and thus no more treats from china when they came. and when i was 13 and unable, simply unable to tell my mum about my first boyfriend, my grandmother was the first person i thought to tell, the only one i thought who would understand.

i was flipping through the first post-secret coffee table book with josh and joe some saturdays ago, and this, i suppose, would be my great post-secret: now, when i think of my grandmother dying, i feel a peculiar sense of relief. i'll be sad, of course, and i will miss her. but i will be relieved - and happy. after all, they say, christian deaths are but the beginning of Life. and i think it's better for her to move on, because, as cruel as it sounds, it sometimes seems that there is no more room for her here with us.

in my heart of hearts i will admit that it may simply be that i'm selfish, and i'm tired of looking after her. tired of always having to be the one to watch out for her when we go out together as a family - she has a bad knee and walks very slowly, and i'm generally a fast walker - tired of having to give in to her and put her needs above my own.

like the time i was eating the dark chocolate my father brought home from berlin - 70% cocoa solids and made with only three ingredients, cocoa solids, cocoa butter and cane sugar; not available in singapore - when she asked if she could have a bit of it. i did give her some, but oh, so grudgingly. i had wanted to say no, and had felt annoyed that i had to give her some, because i felt she wouldn't be able to appreciate it and it would be wasted on her. or when she arrives in the living room after a show has started and i have to interrupt my viewing of it to tell her what's going on, even though i feel she never quite gets it anyway.

also, she takes what seems to be an eternity in the bathroom, whether she's using the toilet or showering, and it's hard to be patient when i'm in a rush to wash-up or i have a bit of a tummyache. for a while she would tell me to just come in if she was using the toilet and i needed to wash my hands, but i decided a while back that i would stop doing that, if only to preserve her dignity, no matter that it inconveniences me. and there were (and still are) times when she'll simply walk into the bathroom to retrieve her face-towel or wash her hands when i'm using the toilet. i've taken to locking the bathroom door and pretending not to hear her entreating me to open it, albeit rather guiltily. what do you want me to do?

but the thing that gets to me the most is her reaction to the world as it is today. it annoys me, i think, because it breaks my heart. like the tsktsk she made when she saw a clip of a beyonce performance on a wide-screen television on sale in giant in jb - one of her suggestive ones, with a bevy of back-up dancers as scantily clad as herself. she tsktsks at matters which we've come to accept as the de facto state of things: explicit sex scenes and violence on television; beauty pageants, reality contests and the glorification of false ideas of perfection and vanity, backstabbing and meanness respectively. i can't quite face watching such things with her around. it's not really because she exudes silent disapproval - maybe this is what cuts the most, because i don't think we should accept these things either, and they've made the world a less safe, less peaceful place, bringing humanity further and further away from God's grace. and it makes me feel guilty that i go on watching it if there's nothing better to do, and because i do think i'm mature enough not to be affected by it any longer. but what of the generation after me? and is this really the, a world for which men have fought and given up their lives for? we all want world peace, but what are we doing to preserve our own?

she has lived through a war, fallen into a well and scrambled out alive. she has brought up two sons single-handedly, and she still does volunteer work. however human she is, however frail old age has made her, has brought out her foibles, she has lived. and she has, in her own way, as part of her generation, fought for everything we enjoy - and abuse - today. she doesn't deserve to be this terribly lonely, and she deserves my utmost patience and respect. what's it to me to help her across the road, to stop myself from replying her irritably, to let her enjoy washing her hair, enjoy a bit of dark chocolate? nice, not too sweet was her reply that day.

but there you have it. that's life, and i'm getting older too.

"His master said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master." Matthew 25:21, 23.

take my hand, precious Lord, lead me home.

that way to the phone hospital
so sonny's been out of it for over a week, and i'm using my grandmother's old phone now (very hard to use, it's an extremely old sony ericsson) and later on i'm going to get an easier to use phone from shannon - who apparently has four spare ones, don't ask me why.

***
me: okay i don't really need my phone but i would just like to know what's happening to it
(i mean, wouldn't you? sonny's been through so much with me! and he's survived numerous falls)
sony ericsson guy: i'll make sure someone calls you
me: yes, not you, someone with the quotation please? (see below for why i said this)
SEG: you mean i cannot call you?
me: i have a boyfriend and he will come back and beat you up if you call me

awww so sweet hor.

anyway so just now i rang sony ericsson again for the second time since yesterday, and above is part of the conversation which transpired between me and the guy on the other end. he was quite nice, and i managed to share about my name (chloe mercy) and consequently about God, with him - he told me i had a "very interesting name," and after sharing about God he laughed and told me not to preach. "we can be friends but don't be preachy please." to which i responded "no lah i'm not preaching i'm just saying that God is real you know you know..." and then i decided i was being weird so i said "nevermind! haha!" don't think he was offended though, just amused.

anyhow, when my mother was pregnant with me she had a tumour but she survived and i came out healthy so they named me chloe mercy to thank God for His mercy to me and to her.

i do like doing pretty (useless) things for christmas. will post pictures of them soon (you wish, how lazy am i).

next tuesday my father is driving us up to pangkor. he has been reminded time and again in the past few days that it's the monsoon season, but he's clinging on to the belief that the weather will be okay because pangkor on the other coast of malaysia what.

***
mother: YOU! you left your dinner plate unwashed on the counter outside!
father: aiyah, i'm going to wash it now (proceeds to pry himself off the floor in their room where he has been engrossed in one of those "teach-yourself-jazz-guitar dvds)
mother: THE LIZARDS ARE COMING!
father (looks as though he has just discovered the secret of the universe): aha! you're right! the LEE-ZARDS are coming! geddit? LEE-ZARDS!
me: not us, daddy, just you.
father: but if i'm a LEE-ZARD that makes you one too
me: no, it's just you.. you're a grown-up LEE-ZARD, i'm not a grown-up one yet, i can still avoid becoming one for all time.

i was just looking at some pictures on facebook and the comments people made about them and i have to say, quents, that you were right about yourself - you really were very skinny LAST TIME.

of course i look very unglam also la. maybe i should also post pictures of you when you were in bmt. wah so handsome can.

cake! and other things, on this rainy day

there, as promised. sand cake. doesn't it look absolutely lovely? don't you want to pay me to bake one just like it for you? my email address is on the right.

but christmas is the season for giving after all, so be nice and you might just get some, compliments of the cook.

***

i suppose it's alright to hoard things, if only because you get to chance across them whilst cleaning up many years later and they make you shout with laughter at how seriously we took ourselves before. although for me it was more like i was sneezing with laughter, what with the dust and the cold weather. which is the best kind of weather to do spring-cleaning in, anyhow.

i'm pretty sure the person who wrote the following won't be reading this, and will probably never do so, so it's safe to put it up:

(and even if he does i don't think he'll remember writing it. all spelling and punctuation is original)

dear chloe,
i feel kinda bad telling this to you but i think i must if not it won't be right. that night when u asked me if i felt sad or was crying, though i wasn't i felt something else. i didn't want to tell you then, neither do i want to tell you now but i will. i felt disappointed. not at you but at myself. because you didn't trust me (at this juncture he drew a smiley face =) which he proceeded to CANCEL OUT! but even if he'd blanco-ed it i guess i would've turned the paper over to see what he'd written) i kept on telling you but you kept on denying. just like peter who denied Jesus 3 times. now i know how it kinda felt. but it's okay, i forgive you. pls don't break down and cry over this. it aint worth it.

i couldn't stop laughing when i read that. it goes on for a bit more, and i really want to put the rest of it up but not very nice, lah. it's not from an ex-boyfriend or anything, but from a really, really good friend i had. i found a stack of letters from him in a disused drawer which i hadn't opened in the longest time. the letter was written when i was 14 and he was 15 and there were complications in the friendship i.e. you like me i like you that kind of nonsense. which ruined it, and it only got back on track when i was 15 and he was 16 (i even tried to hook him up with one of my friends!) and then it fell apart for good when i was 17.

sadly enough, the letter above ended with:

even if we don't go together (not saying i want to =p), u'll always be a special friend.
frens come, frens go, some return some don't but the memories will always be cherished...

that aside, we really were very tight before jc happened to me. and he stuck it out through some pretty awful times in my life. i will always remember the happy meal he bought me one sad, sad saturday.

we made contact briefly over facebook when i was interning (go figure) and i remember telling him he really didn't need the money he was getting from his internship - a four-figure sum per month, compared to the $100 a week i was getting at my internship.

remember when you were a kid, and you saw models in advertisments and idolised local celebrities? okay maybe i was one of the few misguided ones who did the latter. but i'm sure you remember growing up with channel eight serials at the very least - the seven o'clock and nine o'clock shows?

the point is, i think you know you're Getting Older not only when you start discussing paychecks with people you grew up with, but you can point at models in advertisements and actors on local television and say hey didn't/doesn't that person go to school with me? or hey isn't that person my senior/junior from _____?

oh and by the way, i was kidding about it being alright to hoard things. if it's not useful it won't be allowed in the house. you know who you are, and you have been warned. or else i won't iron your shirts.

my boyfriend looks like a civil servant

not that that's such a bad thing, i suppose. aren't they supposed to be very reliable, dependable, responsible and trustworthy? hurhur. someone create an acronym for their traits, please.

you have two options, according to him:
(a) professional inheriter
(b) professional beneficiary

you can see civil servanthood isn't one of them, but don't you think he looks like one? especially in the pictures above (taken after various internships)?

now i'm not very sure what i'm trying to say about civil servants, but judging by the jokes my father cracks and the conversations he carries on in the normal course of things (see archives for examples), i think jon could well be on his way to being one.

i just transferred pictures from my desktop to lenny - too lazy to transfer them all, my thumbdrive has too little memory to get them all down at one shot and the mouse on my desktop refuses to roll properly. but here is the picture i spoke of many posts ago, the cake i baked at my godmother's when i was in sydney -

okay the picture's not loading and i have to go NOW because my godbrother's over from australia and we're going shopping. so you can't see the picture now, sorry.

alright, seeing as that worked - now to get rid of the annoying advertisment, although i don't think that's possible.

following up from yesterday:

growie chroeie (the plant version) says:
you know right
THE LAST PART
i was just sprinting
and i wanted to die
hahaa
i couldnt feel my legs

chaoqin. says:
hah. that's cool...
it's supposed to be this way

growie chroeie (the plant version) says:
but pain yes.
i know

chaoqin. says:
will make the memories everlasting
hah
ywee ern has asked me whether i wanna do it again next yr

growie chroeie (the plant version) says:
HAHAA
is the pain worth it though
i dunno man

chaoqin. says:
haha maybe i'll think abt it when im doing up next yr's resolution

growie chroeie (the plant version) says:
YES! think abt it and let me know ok! hahaaa

chaoqin. says:
haha
u sound excited abt taking part again next yr

growie chroeie (the plant version) says:
hahahaa
only because im sitting down now
so i cant feel the pain

bryan hurry and PROPERLY become a doctor so you can give me PROPER free medical advice? hopefully i'll never have to give you any legal advice in return, cause that'd mean you're in trouble with the law. you can play with my children in return ok?

okay i'm trying this out - blogging through email, because china doesn't allow access to blogger and although jolie's told me to RELAX and find a way when we get there you never know, and i don't want to part with this blog for five months.

---

Real people. Real questions. Real answers. Share what you know.

never again

but of course, i might change my mind once i can walk properly again. because there's nothing like running down the CBD with the wind in your hair, watching the sun rise. next time i get to see the sunrise in the CBD it'll probably be because i was stuck in the office overnight.

and there will never be anything quite like a good run.

i had an extremely enjoyable time, and surprised myself by really enjoying my own company for 39 km or so. the first 4 i was running with chao qin and his friend bomby (he has a cool french name which i don't know how to spell, i think that's a short form, it was on the back of his shirt) and when i detoured to the first water point they left me behind.

oh well! i decided not to hero hero and chiong with them - guys leh - and do like the posters said and run my own race.

everything lasted fine from the waist up the entire distance, and i was also pretty surprised that i didn't feel breathless or anything. what's making me think never again is the fact that i am in excruciating pain, waist down. i can't walk properly, and i don't think i can walk for long distances (no shopping yet, BOO!) so please come to my house and visit me for the next few days at least, if you're dying to see me.

oh and i have abrasions too. the pain, when i take showers.

i finished in 4:56:56 although it really, really REALLY hurt to do so. that's the time on my watch anyway, and i know i definitely finished sub-5 because the official clock showed 4:59 hurhur. but i only reached the starting point after 0530, see? couldn't feel the pain in my legs (or feel my legs, for that matter) the last 200m or so - and i was sprinting like anything and wondering when the padang would appear.

well, it did, and i finished in less than five hours like i wanted to and - we'll see whether i'll go through this madness again next year.

i'm very thankful for the lovely weather, and for the sense of camaraderie - the atmosphere was a lot better than AHM. it was nice, when we passed this bunch of poor schoolkids who were there to cheer us on (at 0645), and one of them started singing if you're happy and you know it and the passing runners very obligingly clapped their hands. it was also nice, meeting old friends along the way.

i also saw a couple of philippians 4:13s and i couldn't agree more.

i can do EVERYTHING through Him who gives me strength.

the thing about having friends from all over the place is that you finish exams earlier than they do, or you're free when they aren't. last night, after coming home from a salty lunch and even saltier dinner in JB i was dying to eat cookies and cream ice cream from island creamery. but quents had cell, i have no idea what jon (wr)ong was doing but he said he was sleepy and wanted to sleep, and shannon was my only hope because he was at church which is at adam road, near serene centre.

but he finished later than he expected, so i had to eat slightly lau-honged peanut butter oreos and a bit of lindt pistachio chocolate to satisfy my cravings for something sweet after ALL THAT SALT YUCKS.

anyway that's not the point. to top it off, i seem to remember that shannon rang me at around 0117 - that's the time shown on my phone, anyway - to apologise for not being able to eat ice cream. and i seem to remember muttering sleepily "i'm sleeping huh it's okay and i wanted to eat cause im running on sunday" or something like that before hanging up with another "i'm sleepingggg."

there is perfect running weather as of now, and i can't go for a run, which is frustrating. it better be cool tomorrow morning.

vaguely emo mood
if i fell in love with you
would you promise to be true
and help me understand
'cause i've been in love before
and i found that love was more
than just holding hands

that's the best part of the song i think, because the rest of it, though lovely chord progression and tune wise, is not very lovely lyrics-wise. kinda sounds like some guy wants to get back at an ex-girlfriend, or maybe not.

okay la it's quite sweet, but WHY did john lennon have to add "i hope that she will cry when she learns that we are two?"

minus those bits it is currently my favourite song. thanks sean for remembering how the "if i fell in love with you" parts went, at the very least - because you couldn't remember the rest. surprisingly, or not surprisingly, it was my dad who remembered the rest of it. he's been on a george harrison/eric clapton roll of late, good on him.

it hasn't even been two months, and i feel like a pine tree. pine-y.

sometimes

i wish i didn't know the things i know now. things about life, people, the world. sometimes i wish i didn't know that hearts (including mine) could be broken so easily, by what would seem to others to be the slightest, most cursory of things.

sometimes i wish i lived in a world where paddington was real and we believed in winnie-the-pooh and were willing to take time off from our busy lives to traipse in the hundred acre wood. they're two of my all time favourite characters in books - they're not just bears, mind you. sometimes i think they have more sense than the people i encounter in real life - or humans in books, my post about grown-ups who refuse to believe in magic being a case in point.

"Paddington wasn't quite sure about the spelling of itinerary, but though he had looked through all the 'E's in Mr Brown's dictionary the night before he hadn't been able to find it anywhere. On the whole, Paddington wasn't surprised. He didn't think much of dictionaries and he often found that when he wanted to look up a particularly difficult word it was nowhere to be found."

he just went ahead and spelt it "eyetinnery." and why not? it sounds enough like 'itinerary' when you say it. it was good enough for him, it was the best he could manage, and more importantly it seems that it was enough for everybody else.

sometimes i wonder if i'm running away from Growing Up (sometimes is also a song from britney spears' first album, and look where she is now) because i re-read the adventures of paddington and winnie-the-pooh every so often, along with all the other children's books in my bookcase, most of which have cracked spines. i don't think i am, but sometimes (especially in recentimes) it has gotten pretty overwhelming, and i've felt nauseous, like i was drowning, because there were just too many things to do. and i think, at these times, i should turn to my bible and to God, but sometimes it's just easier to read about pooh and piglet catching heffalumps. i'd like to think God divinely inspired a.a. milne too.

sometimes i wish i wasn't equally guilty of making assumptions and jumping to conclusions about other people, of judging them, really, but don't we all? and sometimes, just sometimes, i wish that was a valid excuse. excuses aren't ever quite valid though, you think?

***
i lay on my bed last night looking at the ceiling, beginning paddington abroad for the umpteenth time. scrawled on the inside front page in a childish hand are the words "This is hereby the property of cockroach eye. Bought at Foyles, 26th Nov 1997 London Heathrow. If lost, please call 469-3012."

that was when - i can't even remember why - i was cockroach eye to my friends, kak chuar yan. when i didn't know that you flew to london heathrow because heathrow was the name of the airport, not that the full name of the city of london was london heathrow. a time when singaporean telephone numbers didn't begin with '6'.

i turned off the light after the first bit of the first chapter, surprised that i felt so chillax about the impending exam, a little sad that this semester was going to be over at 1100 on thursday - with a chinese paper, nonetheless - and it had been a rather weird-ass semester. 'weird-ass' is the only way to describe it because it went by so fast, almost like it didn't quite happen at all. and yet i know it did because i remember rui's everlasting packets of japanese and/or korean seaweed, our endless chastising "GET OFF FACEBOOK/MSN/WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING NOW AND STUDY!" - usually over said medium. and i remember all of our daily groans (whines) whenever lunch or dinner time came round because we usually ended up eating cai fan; the seemingly never-ending evidence lectures, and how when p*nsler announced that it was the last one it was like i was waking up from a long sleep and i didn't quite know where the hours before had went; how we said at the beginning of the sem that we didn't know why evidence was eight credits or why it was a year 3 subject because "it's just case law what." boy, were we wrong when we finally got down to studying it properly.

i think i remember the most about evidence simply because it was our common module, the last we'll have in law school. the next time we have common modules in the sense of 'compulsory, everyone must take,' is when we're doing our plc.

***
today was a nice day. there was perfect after-exam weather, not hot, and i spent the most part of it with sean, long-lost heart friend. funny how we've all turned out after jc, how you realise that life isn't quite about always and forever. and how can it be, when everyday you're reminded how fragile you are and how only He can be always and forever.

the only thing that was missing from today was -

jerome called me the night before last and we talked a little about jon's family's trip to japan, and he asked me what i wanted for christmas. i told him (he's only 13) to save his money for a rainy day, and that all i really wanted for christmas was for da ge to come home safely. and seeing as neither of us had enough money to make that happen, i told him he didn't have to buy me anything and all he had to do was to remember to pray, and be a good boy.

i've taken to referring to jon as "you-know-who," with the hope that that makes the fact that i talk about him pretty often less gay. of course, after harry potter, "you-know-who" is more or less taken to refer to voldemort.

now if only he could apparate home, just like the latter.

if i had a pet duck
i would name him dworkin, and his full name would be dworkin ronald the duck. i don't think i can call him ronald dworkin the duck, because you need the alliteration to come from the first name. he'd be dworky for short.

now don't you think dworkin's just such a nice name for a duck? not that i've anything against him - or his theory of adjudication - as such, but this morning i was sitting up in bed reading hart's reply to him and i felt quite sorry for hart (they're both legal philosophers). dworkin's entire theory (i believe) was premised on the idea that he didn't think hart's theory quite cut it. dworkin was hart's student, if i'm not wrong, and lord seow was asking me last night (and i agree): how could he be such a traitor?

oh well. life happens, i guess.

***
i spent this morning sitting propped up as i am now, leaning against the wall on my pillow, lenny on my lap. the pillowcase is currently a rather lurid orange with bright green flowers - done tastefully of course, which i quite like. after thirteen or so years with pale pink bedsheets it was refreshing when mummy brought home these orange ones.

so here i was, not quite wanting to go through my jurisprudence materials anymore even though the concepts were floating around in my head waiting to be re-grounded in arguments i believe i formulated just the afternoon before. floating around and having a good time playing tag, and ice and melt.

despite that, i decided i'd play solitaire until i won a game - it's quite hard to do so, you never know what kinda hand you're gonna be dealt - and when i won a game (took about three tries) i decided to try this game called purble place. i think it comes with windows vista, and i should have realised from the fact that it was rated family friendly (and free) that it'd be extremely boring. i was sort of hoping it'd be like darby the dragon, one of the better kid's games i've played - about darby the dragon, duh. oh and now you see why the alliteration must come from the first name? just sounds cooler. i spent about twenty minutes "baking cakes," i.e. just choosing the correct colour of cake and frosting, and shape of cake tin and correct shape to place on top of the cake, among other things.

however, i also decided after having been told that i baked five out of five cakes correctly (what would have happened if i hadn't? maybe i should try) that i would just read my bible and pray and hum hymns to myself.

quite a restful morning, don't you think? and i'm usually quite restless before exams. i don't know, maybe evidence totally wiped me out. but to put it simply, i was pretty chillax - which i'm thankful for.

***
last night before going to sleep i spent about five minutes looking at the picture of jon and me, on my desktop. five minutes, because i think that's the period of inactivity after which lenny's programmed to go sleep. and it was one of those times of clarity and restfulness, of peace, which have proved less elusive than i thought, with respect to him. you never quite know how things will turn out when you're apart, no matter that we were sure it was gonna be okay, before he left.

but God's been good to him, to me, to us. it's the same restfulness which comes when you see middle-aged couples walking around the neighbourhood - which i saw during my recent moon walks - not quite talking but just being together. rather older than when they first begun, but not quite disillusioned, i'd like to think: with each other, anyway. older and wiser with respect to each other, now there's a better word. and still together - now there's true wisdom for you, and it's not disillusionment so i hope you'll refrain from calling it that when you get to that age.

restfulness, and i think a sort of simple wonderment, like when you see new grandparents, tiny fingers curled around one finger, why are babies so wont to grab things when you hold them out to them? it's not wonder like the awe-inspiring kind but an Everyday sort of wonder. sometimes i wonder how it'd be if jon died before i did - when we're old and we've lived life well, together. but that's too far in the future, and God willing, we'll know when we get there. i suppose it's quite nice, when all you want to do, is grow old with somebody.

***
anyway wah lau so soppy hor. my mother is currently watching the search for the next pussy cat doll, and i am going to read my chinese notes - or rather, the slides which i spoke of a few posts ago.

picture from quen's blog, with original accompanying message

"chloe’s such a flirt, she hangs out with all these guys…"

i heart you all very many okay! and it's not my fault liz is on exchange and adele and ian are away. plus i do think i'm slightly more man than most of you - except perhaps where jon's concerned. but then there's a reason why i'm his girlfriend right, and we've been friends for the past four years. :)

why does batman wear a cape?
and i'm serious - why does he? so he can fly? so he can properly look like a bat?

jon, batman fan that he is, will probably kill me for asking such a strange question - all boys who like batman probably have this cape fetish thing going on. after all, it is the easiest part of the superhero costume to replicate - just use a big towel or a bedsheet lor.

but i was watching a bit of batman begins just now and there was this bit when christian bale got set on fire by the scarecrow and he jumped out of the window into a puddle (it was raining, how convenient) and his cape got all wet and he ended up looking rather bedraggled. the cape was all crumpled up like cloth when it's wet, you know? i mean, why couldn't he have made it waterproof or something? how to fly like that also?

***
don't know how hard it's going to be to keep finding pieces of peace next time, but i do know we'll be together, and that's what matters and what's the most important. so long as we keep choosing true love, and we keep choosing God.

the night before evidence i decided that i had to take myself out for a walk because reading the house at pooh corner before i went to sleep wasn't proving sufficient to take my mind off evidence.

it hasn't been the easiest of weeks, i've been living eating breathing evidence - it was the first thing i thought of when i woke up in the morning and last thing i thought of at night. how to do well like that? because honestly i do think we need to get our minds off things totally, if we want to them well when they actually come around.

and so, as i was saying, i took myself out for a walk with my mp3 player.

before i go on though, i'd like to say sorry to rui for swearing after evidence. i would take it back if i could, but since i can't, i'll just apologise here. it wasn't that the paper was bad, i was just so tired and exhausted (i couldn't believe i did THREE hypos) and there wasn't anything else left to say. but yes, i shouldn't have, because it's not something God would have wanted me to do.

there's only one cd i've been listening to lately, and that's kathy troccoli's draw me closer. that's where my life is in Your hands is from, and it's a wonderful song, it is.

i walked all the way to the top of the hill near my house, and as i turned the corner so i'd make one round around my estate i looked up at the sky, and the moon was there, full and glowing like a full moon should. it was rather cloudy too, but the clouds were moving past the moon and it'd be shining clearly one moment and clouded over the next. just like the lyrics of the song:

and though i may not see clearly
i will lift my voice and sing, 'cause Your love does amazing things
Lord i know, my life is in Your hands.

when the clouds were moving across the moon, i couldn't see it clearly - but then they moved across and over the moon (were they really, or did it just look like that from where i was?) and the moon was there, clear, until the clouds moved across it again. i stood there looking at the sky and listening to the song for about two minutes or so, and i finally felt at peace again.

***
thursday i decided to stay home instead of going to school to study, and i spent a fair bit of the morning with e flat major sevenths on the piano, along with a certain song written by a certain somebody. and although it really affected me, recording it, i'm glad i did because it was the beginning of my getting my mind off evidence and a reminder that there's so much more to live for.

i went for a run wednesday evening, and i stood at the overhead bridge looking at - again - a cloudy moon, on my way back home. it wasn't quite dark yet, the last vestiges of the sunny day were being absorbed by the impending inkiness of the night, kinda like how when you leave your highlighter uncapped with the nib on a piece of paper, and all the ink gets slowly absorbed away. i wasn't wearing my spectacles so everything looked a bit blurry, and the headlights of cars looked like they were weaving in and out of the trees by themselves.

they were nice, these pieces of peace.

chloe: what if we don't read the c*y case note, and he marks our essay?
stressed law sch friend: then c plus lor!

you have to see c*y for yourself to know why it's worrying. i don't think he actually really cares about us as students, or if we make fresh arguments. too lazy lah.

i'm in a chocolate kinda mood now

totally random, and i want to write about many other things but those other things will have to wait until i leak out more evidence notes - my bid to reduce my carbon footprint is failing.

but i just had to show you the picture of us attacking shannon's birthday cake:

you can see how greedy we are, we couldn't even wait for it to melt sufficiently so that we could slice it up. and poor shannon, he virtually had ice cream for dinner that night. i tried to convince him NOT to have nuggets after but i guess ice cream isn't really filling particularly when you're only out on weekends from sunnyislandsetinthesea tekong.

because i'm a meanie
i hope hearsay evidence will remain inadmissible in singapore, at least until after year four sem one - because that's when jon has to do evidence, AND HE SHOULD HAVE TO SUFFER LIKE THE REST OF US.

today i finally discovered how screen shots work. a little late, cause i wanted to put up a shot of the time rui and i were web camming IN SINGAPORE hurhur. but here's today's sweet thing of the day: jon's brother changed his msn picture to me and him. so aww worthy hor. :)

容祯是一位非常好的朋友。她刚刚非常有耐心地向我解释了我们这个学期华文课程主要的内容。

which means: jolie is a very good friend. she just ran through with me and explained, with great patience, the essential things we need to know with regards to our chinese legal traditions module.

the funniest thing is when i read her the contents of some of the slides i printed, she started laughing and went "chloeee!!!" incredulously.

because even though they looked very cheem (any mass of chinese words looks cheem, i told you i eat potatoes right?) they only provided background information for our group presentations. i.e. they were irrelevant to the exam.

oh well i shall just read them anyway, to improve my chinese grammar. which, by God's grace, i think has improved.

the only grown-ups i can remember at this point who believed in "childish fancies" of the sort mentioned below were the parents of jo, bessie and fanny of the enchanted wood trilogy. their mother allowed moon face and the saucepan man to stay over when mr watzisname was angry with the both of them. and she said, when jo stayed over with moon face in the FIRST book, "i expect jo is just staying over with moon face for a treat!". as an aside, jo only did so because the policeman from the Land of Topsy-Turvy whom he was rude to made him able only to walk on his hands. you wouldn't like to go home to your mother walking upside down, would you?

when the three children and cousin dick came home from the Rocking Land - was that what it was called, in the second book? - their father scolded them and said he would not let them go about with their friends or get them nice clothes if they would come back with the clothes all tattered.

when they came back with lovely presents from the Land of Presents these two very enlightened grown-ups willingly accepted the goat, hens, garden tools, purse, pipe and tobacco (this is still book two, the magic faraway tree) instead of asking whether they stole these things or some such other nonsense - to their very obvious benefit, don't you think?

finally, when connie comes to stay in book three (the folk of the faraway tree) her initial incredulity at the existence of the enchanted wood is partially dispelled by the mother of jo, bessie and fanny telling her otherwise. she also lets them have a tea party at their house for silky, moon face and the saucepan man - who never made it there because they were shut up in the slippery slip by lady yell-around and lord shout-alot (i can't remember their names exactly!) from the Land of Tempers.

you can see how often i have read and re-read these books.

the point is, smart parents.

the enchanted castle
is really yalding towers, which is where gerald, kathleen, james and mabel found the ring that is "whatever you say it is," leading to the four getting up to various shennenigans, chief among them becoming invisible. (mabel comes after the 'and' because the former three are siblings, she's the niece of the housekeeper at yalding towers.)

gerald, kathleen and james were unable to go home for the holidays because their cousin betty got measles when she arrived there first (it's always measles!) and were desperately wishing for something to happen to them when they chanced upon mabel playing at being a princess asleep for a hundred years in the middle of a maze, gerald conveniently tumbling into a tunnel which led them to yalding towers - the enchanted castle, really. that's when the 'something exciting' they were hoping to happen really does happen. it's rather exciting in a horrid way for them at first, given the inadvertent wishes granted and inquisitive adults - but it was written for children, and there is always some lovely, good thing to be learnt in books about and for children.

there was harry potter, and now there's the golden compass; i wonder why no one raised a ruckus about the enchanted castle, or the story of the amulet. they were both written in the late 1800s to the early 1900s, but i haven't heard of them being decried as rank heresy, not like the "magic books" of today. and what of carbonel, talking cats and flying broomsticks and mrs cantrip's spell book which rosemary and john managed to steal from her, which led to the rainbow magic and the undoing of the silent magic?

but i think children need these things. they need to imagine, to dream, to believe in the impossible - the grown ups in all these books never seemed to believe the children, dismissing the magical happenings as "childish fancies," nodding absently when told about them and telling them to "run along, now, there's a dear" and going back to knitting and reading the papers or whatever boring and grown-up thing they were doing at the moment. aunt petunia and uncle vernon didn't believe in it, neither did lord yalding until he saw it at work for himself; how many of us would believe in magic today, especially in the pragmatic singaporean social climate?

funnily enough, it was reading the enchanted castle that made me think about whether i've been neglecting spending time with God. we don't ever want to admit to ourselves that we are i think, until we have some time alone and we feel rather - discouraged? worn? weary? and we wonder why, and ask if God has truly been working in our lives.

"don't you see now," said mabel, her eyes wider than ever, "the ring's what you say it is? that's how it came to make us invisible - i just said it . . . i say it isn't a wishing-ring. i say it's a ring that makes the wearer four yards high."

she had caught up the ring as she spoke, and even as she spoke the ring showed high above the children's heads on the finger of an impossible mabel, who was, indeed, twelve feet high.

perhaps that's what child-like faith is about, you think? believing, and carrying the precious knowledge with us each day that we can and should expect miracles if we're walking with Jesus; that if we pray and ask for things in His name, in His will, He will answer.

***
one of my favourite parts in the enchanted castle which i've quoted before in this space is when the children find the hall of granted wishes:

"many other pictures there were that these arches framed. and all showed some moment when life had sprung to fire and flower - the best that the soul of man could ask or man's destiny grant. and the really good hotel had its place here too, because there are some souls that ask no higher thing of life than ' a really good hotel.' "

which is nice, isn't it? to expect little and gain much simply because you do.

of course, there is no life without its hunger (from you raise me up, that annoying over-played over-sung song) and even though we should be content in whatever circumstances we're in, there is something more and greater we should always be looking to.

the enchanted castle ended with lord yalding finding his long-lost love - every wish the ring granted when it was a wishing ring exacted a price except from children, except for the last wish. and his long-lost love (who, incidentally, was also kathleen's french governess at school) wished that all the magic the ring ever wrought be undone, and the ring be naught more than a charm to bind herself and lord yalding forevermore.

there's still magic, whether we want to see it or not. and we don't need wishes granted, or fantastic things happening. we just need Jesus - and from Him with whom there is no changing, comes every good and perfect thing.

alright and this is rather cheesy but - above all, there are miracles because there is Love, and love. and it's true and you know it!

purely for yalan's and rui's amusement
i miss jon lau!!1!!!!1 *sobs sobz sobzZZZzzzZ*

and for everyone else, this i came across in liew kaling v. public prosecutor [1960] 1 MLJ 306.1 (goodness knows why it's '306.1'):

"It is however, only helpful to say that the only standard is that of the prudent man if we go on to say that the prudent man himself applies a variety of standards, a variety of standards that can be almost infinite, to the problems of ordinary life. . . the matter is perhaps not capable of being expressed in words but clearly the standard which a prudent man will apply to the question of whether he should take a box of chocolates home to his wife is something different from the standard he will apply to the question of whether he should take the good lady a valuable diamond ring. He will apply a different standard to the question of whether his butler has helped himself to a little of his whiskey than he will to the question of whether his wife has been seduced by his gamekeeper."

might i suggest that the standard he would apply to the first question is, in the words of sandra leong from last monday's straight talk column, is that of the 4 Cs. cut, carat, clarity and cardiac arrest (when he sees the price tag on the "valuable diamond ring"). only if he fulfils the last one will he know that his lady love will deem him worthy.

me, i'd be happy with a box of chocolates. very dark please.

and i have no answer for the second question. very strange legal system we have - if a judge approves his previous judgement in a subsequent case does that in any way detract from the authority of either as good law?

thanks you quents and jon ong for coming to school yesterday

even though you guys kept making fun of law students and i was worried you guys would end up being prosecuted under the snail act (kidding, think it's been un-officially repealed). i was extremely happy to see the both of you and thanks jon for dropping by again after your guitar lesson even though we both know who you really wanted to see (again, kidding). and even though, as we've come to say, you're the (wr)ong jon. okay not funny.

after reading jolie's blog
19, from the sonnets to orpheus by rainer maria rilke.

Quick though the earth itself churns,
changing like cloud formations,
each fulfilled thing returns
to ancient foundations.

Beyond changing and passing,
freer and higher,
your prelude is alone lasting:
god with the lyre.

Grief is beyond comprehension.
True love has never been learned.
Nor do we know by what agency

we are to death interned.
Only the song over the land
yields blessing and commemoration.

joe looks plain scary, quents is always pouting and shannon looks too army boy for words.

the mandatory food pictures are of dishes already finished or in the process of being eaten because i neglected to take my camera out when the food first arrived. yoshinoya and pumpkin soup from tcc post-movie, shannon's creation. see below for further information.

because i finally decided to bring cammie out, we have photos! although most of them are of shannon's deconstruction of what used to be a tcc coaster.

yes, the coaster transcended its context. maybe because we were talking about christianity in post-modern context.

and we also watched lars and the real girl, which was nice. thanks all for a lovely night. :)

teh-c-kosong dai zou and khong guan sultana biscuits
yesterday evening i was on the bus on the way to melanie's house when i felt something moving on my wrist. it was a thin, green caterpillar. i shook him (her? it, then) off onto the seat next to me, and proceeded to watch it move around helplessly trying to search for a way off the seat and back to its grassy abode, i suppose. it was fascinating, the way it moved, arching itself; although i'm rather fearful of such moving creatures because they're so small and they move so quickly - who knows where they'll crawl to - i felt its desperation. kinda reminded me of how we are before God rescues us.

so i took out an old receipt from my wallet, held it next to the caterpillar so it would crawl onto it, prayed like anything that it wouldn't crawl back onto my hand, and i managed to take it successfully out of the bus on the receipt and i set it free on the grass next to melanie's bus stop.

remember those $1.99 shop pink and blue slippers which everyone seemed to be wearing when we were in secondary school, and those "trail" ones with the thick black straps in various neon colours? you exchanged a side with your friend if you could, so you could look cooler and appear popular and "tight" with someone else.

that was quite important, wasn't it, in those days? how we used to cling so tightly to that sort of thing, trying so hard to manifest the security of friendships in pieces of foam.

they were usually adorned with words and flowers or hearts or any manner of cutesy girl things in fabric paint, glittery or not. they were really quite ugly though. and the $1.99 shop doesn't even exist anymore.

kiss the rain, whenever you need me

how we loved that song when we were, what, 11 or 12? i was kept awake by the rain, lying on my bed early early wednesday morning. right before it started raining i'd rung jon and we'd spoken for two minutes before he had to go, and it had been raining in bangalore too.

what's new, how's the weather? is it stormy where you are, you're so close but it feels like you're so far.

and even though it cost a very painful fifteen cents, i sent him an sms to tell him that i'd flown a kiss out of my window into the rain. just because.

***
i said i'd find something to be thankful about everyday this week, and tuesday night i was anna's witness for her mock trial which took place at wong partnership. i realised then that wong p was very near bak chor mee sua with the grumpy uncle! which means i might apply there for pupillage after all. however there isn't much good food around there besides aforementioned stall, or maybe i just haven't explored that area enough.

yesterday (it's 0006 on my computer clock) saw the last bsf session of the year, and it seems like only yesterday i walked in for the first lesson of the year not knowing what to expect - with no expectations really. the sermon at watchnight 2006 was 'scraped tablets,' and we were encouraged to enter 2007 with hearts scraped clean of the past to allow God to write His own story for us, and He has.

being me, i raised my hand when the teaching leader looked around for the second person to share on 'how romans has touched my life this year.' i'm rather tired now, but i'm going to share what i shared now because i might not have time to blog over the weekend.

as i sat there tonight listening to various people share i was immensely thankful and awed that God had been so faithful to so many, and i felt affirmed as i identified with other peoples' stories of how the study of romans changed their lives. because it changed mine too, like, totally.

this is what i scribbled down on my notes for today's sharing:

one of the most significant lessons i've learnt and applied from the study of romans has been the lesson on justification by faith and how we inflict pain on ourselves as a result of our choice to turn away from God. it has been significant because i finally became a Christian, in the proper sense of the word, as it should be. God called, as He had been doing for so long, and because i finally understood how amazing His grace was, i gave my heart to Him and decided to follow Jesus - the world behind me, the cross before me, no turning back.

i can't even quite remember what happened exactly, but i remember there was a period where i had unspeakable joy; where i just longed to spend time praying and worshipping Him - a period when i felt a tangible difference inside, like someone had literally, physically taken away the guilt, shame, hurt and pain of the past years. taken it away and replaced it with God's love, His cleansing love, and reconciled my wandering heart to His ever-faithful one. such a change, what blessings, how amazing His grace.

i've come to see that everything truly works together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose. i've learnt to see people as God sees them - loved, created in His image; learnt how much pain God feels when we disobey Him.

there is nothing more, and nothing less, that we can do to earn our salvation but to put our faith and trust in Him when He calls us to do so. but that might as yet be the hardest and scariest thing ever, as it was for me. still, i have lived fully and with the joy of the Holy Spirit after doing just that in february, and i've grown closer to Him in a way that i never imagined or thought was possible. i prayed that i'd never forget how it felt before this change happened, and when i'm down, i remember the emptiness i felt in the past and then i just close my eyes and thank God because i realise each time that i'm simply not empty anymore. it hasn't always been easy, but i hope i will always be able to say i'd rather have Jesus than anything this world affords today - for we have no life apart from Him, He is everything.

i used to be unsure of my faith, of what being a Christian entailed, but i'm sure now, and am always ready to share when i can. and it's only because God has truly blessed me with understanding, wisdom and courage. apart from Him i don't think i could have done or said anything, could have loved the way i did and been the friend that i've been to all of you this year.

thank you for thanking me whenever you've thought i've helped you in any way - and i know, i am absolutely and utterly convinced that i wouldn't be who i am today if God didn't bring me to this glorious eternal life by grace through faith in Jesus. i can't explain how i changed so quickly (in human time), can't explain how everything just seemed to fall into place. so it must have been God, and for that i'm thankful. it's such a relief knowing there's someone far greater taking care of everything.

'tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home.

goodnight. i am very lazy but i'll try to blog when i can, promise. :) all the best for exams and God bless.

大家总是跟我发牢骚，说他们觉得他们读的东西非常不有趣。我跟他们讲，至少你们读的都是英语, ok? 你们不要 complain 了可以吗？给我一点同情心吧。show me some love and compassion please. 谢谢你们的爱心和关怀。我想蓉珍看了这个 post 会骂我华文真的是很差劲，应该多多读。

完了。

mother: are you late for class?
chloe: yes.
mother: that's terrible!
chloe: mummy, it's a nine a.m. class. what were you expecting?

but it took longer than i expected to get to school because traffic was heavy (hurrah for too many cars on dunearn road) and because i'm hum chee i'm now sitting outside the seminar room making notes despite rui's repeated entreaties to just go in. which might actually be more useful than being in class.

i kept tearing on saturday too, listening to kathy troccoli's my life is in Your hands. immensely comforting - and a piano song too, to boot.

my life is in Your hands
my heart is in Your keeping
i'm never without hope
not when my future is with You

my life is in Your hands
and though i may not see clearly;
i will lift my voice and sing
'cause Your love does amazing things
Lord i know my life is in Your hands.

banana fritters and the like: actually i don't really like goreng pisang
rui and i were talking about boyfriends today, just before i left school to go home for dinner. and on the way back in the bus and during the walk back to my house from the bus stop (i stopped at esso on the way in to buy a starhub pre-paid card top-up card - quite a waste of plastic this is turning out to be, even though zac efron's likeness is printed on them) it came to me quite clearly and suddenly that what jon and i have is precious; too precious to be frittered away on fearing and worrying that things will go wrong, that we'll lose each other.

a comforting, peaceful thought plucked out of the cold rain-fied twilight air, like the drops of rain which fall from the trees when the wind blows through them after a shower.

so that was something to be thankful for today. truly, all things fall into place when we turn our eyes upon Jesus.

i love going back to church on saturdays. everyone dresses down, and it was nice to see a certain old couple (who shall remain unnamed) who probably don't have informal clothes doing so. the wife was dressed in one of her tweed pant suits and the husband in a long-sleeved shirt and pants. but she wore birkenstocks, not her usual court shoes, and he wore a pair of rather lok-kok sandals.

i'm glad, too, that i chose to make the sacrifice and sing with the dawnbreakers - there's nothing like seeing old, old couples holding hands, kneeling at the altar rails and praying together. it makes me tear sometimes, and it gives me hope because i'm reminded of how much God blesses those who love Him above all else, reminded of how He has promised that His love will see jon and i through.

it hasn't always been easy, these past few weeks, and i don't know how it's going to be for the months to come. but i do feel that i've matured a little since jon left, and that we've somehow arrived somewhere today.

i'm learning to find security in God, learning what it is to truly love: i think it does entail letting go, in a way, because ultimately we all belong to Him. and it's only when He's writing your love story that you can be sure come what may, He will make everything beautiful in His time. no matter if there are tears and insomnia along the way which no amount of dark, dark chocolate can cure (well, maybe it can).

i've found that trying to keep up with jon's life in india and trying to make him live my life with me back here just made me terribly unhappy, put unnecessary pressure on the both of us, and distracted me from what was important (and wonderful, and a blessing) for us.

like how we should actually enjoy being so far away from each other (what an adventure), and be affirmed as we miss each other more with each passing day that this is truly meant to be. there ain't gonna be no being apart next time, there'll just be the both of us, weird toilet, sleeping habits and all. undone laundry, bills to pay, ants on the kitchen counter that refuse to go away no matter that you're practically asphyxiated yourself spraying baygone at them.

also, i've come to see that just because we don't "exchange information" everyday it means we're growing apart - on the contrary, it probably means we're growing closer and anyway, that's not what real communication's about. and we both agreed when he left that this was to be time meaningfully used for God. if i'm not going to accept it for the wonderful blessing that it is, i'm not going to be able to see Him working in our lives.

now that's not going to be worth missing out on.

joel (jon's second brother) came to church yesterday bearing a hello panda multi-pack, for me because i was so sad that jon's away. and my lovely abibobeeboo very kindly acceded to my request that she write me a letter of encouragement, which was chock full of bible verses and all and reminded me to strive to be a better person for Christ and to shine like the light in the universe that i ought to be now that it is no longer i who live but He that lives in me.

i've decided to crash a certain evidence professor's tutorial tomorrow morning at 0900. it's almost 2300, i have to prepare for it now.

TAUPOD LIVES! i'm very happy for you rui.

just came back from the juris break, and we saw scruffy-hot english exchange student - i got into the lift with him and his friend and i realised that, a) he reeked of cigarette smoke; b) he was extremely unshaven; and c) he wore a thin leather thong around his neck - which i think is extremely unbecoming on men.

a fortiori, i love my chinese boy(s). yalan says good because now there are more hot guys for HER. oh well.

R.I.P., taupod. rui i hope you got a fair share of the assets when his grandfather split them.

and josh, i am so sorry but i love my current campus too much to feel very much for the fact that the government (rather rudely) chased smu out of bukit timah. otherwise it's a well-produced mini-documentary though i have to apologise once more, i sorta kinda agree with joe's (again, rather rude) comment. the real world honestly isn't much better - in fact it's far worse. this is singapore, the national religion is money. but we can buck the trend and show everyone how much better life can be, come on! we didn't become christians for nothing.



we celebrated shannon's birthday on saturday night at island creamery. imagine, seven of us attacking an ice-cream cake with forks because it was too frozen for us to cut into slices. the white island creamery cake with rainbow sprinkles and gummies is essentially a block of cookies and cream ice-cream in the shape of a cake. i'm waiting for the pictures which might never come, but i got three white gummies so i'm happy.

this week i shall find something to be thankful for everyday and i shall attempt to blog about it if i'm not too lazy.

i just read yalan's blog. i love all of you many many from the bottom of my heart. yalan rui mag jean. thank you for the lovely friday night.

well time makes older children get older, i'm getting older too
of late, it has become increasingly difficult for me to write; to sing, play the piano, give "presentations" to people - the formal ones, the informal ones. anything that requires me to put myself on the line and risk being torn apart because my feelings and thoughts will be made known to everyone around me. like my juris presentation, and today's life-sharing at cell.

i don't know what it is. i'd like to think i've become more diffident and self-effacing because i've matured over the years and i therefore don't need to justify myself with my words anymore (least of all with fancy schmancy deep-ish musings about life), and therefore i'm also now more willing to listen to other people. yet sometimes i feel i've just become painfully shy and i get the idea that people aren't really interested in what i have to say because frankly, i'm not exactly interested in what they have to say either. in fact, there are times when i think the only thing i have worth to talk about is God and how i'm able to love, how He has given me this wonderful ability to love - and the best thing of all, how He has enabled me to love and understand Him. because everything else is vanity and chasing after the wind.

don't get me wrong. i love sitting around doing nothing with the girls, having ridiculous conversations about nothing at all: like my conversation with rui today about what to name my children next time, or lunch with yalan where we talked about something utterly ridiculous. i can't quite remember what it was that we talked about but i remember laughing very hard. i even like studying, like coming online to have conversations with people. all these very wordly things - and then, as i turn off my laptop for the night i sit back and wonder if i've spent enough time with God today.

it's been incredibly difficult having jon away. i never thought it'd be this hard, for me. or maybe i did think it would be, knew it would be, but just didn't want to admit it to myself. it's okay, really - i'm good. i'm doing well, i'm not terribly depressed; i just can't seem to shake off the feeling that something's missing. we've just talked, and he's right. i have to truly want to stop feeling that something's missing, want to stop feeling that i want to have something sad to talk about. human beings are weird that way - so often even we christians settle for the worthless when we've already seen what it's like to choose the worthy.

it's not sad really, him being away. having oodles of time with the girls has been a blessing, and besides, there are more difficult things in life coming up. although i pointed out to him that mortgages and kids getting into trouble will be different because we'll be in the same country and hopefully living in the same flat by then, having gotten married. we'll be together. this is a different kind of difficult.

at times i wish we didn't have facebook, msn or email. or snailmail even. then i wouldn't have to keep expecting things, and getting disappointed. i know what i should do, and jon's been incredibly patient and direct (which i'm thankful for, even though it hurts to have your faults pointed out to you). i need to lower my expectations, and not put pressure on myself to come online. because i hate having that pressure, and it makes me hate the fact that we have so many means of communicating even though i should be thankful for them. as in, i have the idea if they weren't there i wouldn't expect so much communication or any communication for that matter.

but there you have it - we are an instantly gratified generation, and i've gotta learn to deal with it God's way. that's the only way i'm ever going to battle the evil forces of the world the bible talks about, taking comfort in the fact that with Jesus we already have the victory. and i will be thankful for all this "adversity" (i have three square meals a day, enough pocket money and public buses to take me to school - water at the turn of the tap and electricity at the flick of a switch. adversity? huh?) because it's just going to bring me closer to God. i have been neglecting Him, really. not turning to Him whenever i'm down which is when i really need it, but finding other things to fill the space that jon's left. when answers aren't enough, when friends, people, msn, silly facebook groups, ANTM isn't enough - there is Jesus. i've forgotten that of late. and then i wonder: is He really everything to me, more precious and more worthy than anything this world has to offer, as i realised a little over two weeks ago? i was sure of it then, and i'm sure of it now. so why am i not living like i am?

what's more, just today, i shared in cell that we COULDN'T desire to choose worthlessness after we'd chosen what was worthy because we'd remember how it felt to choose what was worthy. but i guess we can, and i'm living proof of it right now. it does feel "good" to wallow in self-pity and think about the distance and the bad things instead of how sweet this time of separation is in its own way; how, if we do things God's way, we'll be able to look back on this entire time and laugh about bad internet connections during class (in india), the vegetarian food (jon is a carnivore) and totally random and silly poems written on the spur of the moment.

and i want that. i want to look back and see that i was strong because God wanted me to be so that i could glorify Him and enjoy His love so much more, being alone and without the one person i love the most in the world bar my parents and grandparents. i want to look back and see that i wasn't just self-aware of my own shortcomings but that i recognised in my weakness that if i accepted the sufficiency of His grace His strength would be perfected in me.

i want to look back and be able to say that i fought the fight and finished the race well. there have been too many years of heartache, nights of sleeplessness and tears: i do not want to go back there again, for i have tasted and seen that the Lord is good. it is only my own humanness now that keeps me from surrendering all my fears and worries to Him.

if the facebook group reaches 1253 members i will name my son wah and my daughter, zee. so they can be Wah Lau and Lau Zee respectively. tris suggested Hong - Lau Hong. and rui suggested chek, neng, sar (how do you spell one two three in hokkien) because lau2 is floor/level in hokkien and they'd be first floor second floor third floor depending on the order in which they were born.

now that lawnet has ceased to work for many of us (why? please, school admin, provide us with a reason?) we're resorting to other means to continue finding cases online - save trees mah. and it's showing me up for the chao mugger i was in year one. i actually know how to work lexisnexis, which means i must have been paying attention during those seemingly useless "learn how to use X legal research database" sessions.

i'm getting older i think, not in a "oh i have many aches and pains way"but, i'd like to believe, in a nice sort of way.

remember when -
snails were just creatures who seemed to appear en masse after a heavy rain, creatures who made a nice crunchy sound when you (very cruelly) stepped on them just to hear aforementioned sound, or a car ran over them as you were passing by. and sometimes you had the good fortune of stepping on a pregnant snail and got to feel particularly disgusted and grossed out at the sight of the yellow eggs and slime. feelings we all rather like to feel actually, if only we admit it to ourselves. there's something rather satisfying about being in control, something to be said for natural sado-masochistic tendencies.

on the way to check out the calling cards at the mama shop just now i chanced upon two snails; a big one and a smaller one. probably mother and daughter. they were moving very slowly, the smaller snail in front. i resisted the urge to step on them, something i'd have done without thinking when i was about eight. i wished them well, and i hope they made it to their destination in one piece.

***
today i crashed a singapore studies lecture (spent most of it reading dworkin) with quentin and toshi and deborah (who is the sister of one of our dear friends, CHRISTOPHER YEO. who's that who's that?? - alright for the uninitiated she's caleb's sister but we don't like these references to people who are studying overseas and not here. plus we've forgotten who he is, this christopher character) and they've got a project coming up. quentin said he was going to do his on construction workers and how they're such a big part of the changing landscape of singapore, yet we give them so little credit and look down on them.

well, the mama shop couldn't offer me a better deal than the singtel hello! card (amazing!) so i took off to the 7-eleven near forture, which is fairly near my house, to purchase a starhub pre-paid card. which they didn't sell. and because i was on the wrong side of the road and crossing to take a bus would have been too much of a bother i walked all the way to the 7-11 at sixth avenue.

whilst i was waiting for the cashier to register my pre-paid card, three or four maids came in in quick succession to buy top-up cards for various pre-paid cards, pulling money folded many times over from their pockets, probably able to come out because their employers were having dinner.

and what quentin said today hit home: these are people too. i don't think we ever quite realise that. they've got families waiting for them, they went through adolesence and had turbulent emotions whilst growing up just like us.

i missed jon very much today, and for a while i felt rather spineless for being part of the instantly gratified generation. what of those people who went to war, world wars one and two? they could only write letters which could take up to months to arrive at their intended destinations. or the construction workers and maids who have no msn, no skype - and calling home (especially to india, now i know) takes up a fair amount of their pay. and here i was feeling gloomy because jon (in typical guy fashion) didn't charge his phone and went off travelling without a charger, thus making him uncontactable.

his mum suddenly called me though, which was truly an answered prayer - whoever it was who prayed that i would find some comfort today, thank you :) and i smsed abi "abi boo i need yoo" and she called and we had a time of prayer too. what a privilege to be able to carry everything to God in prayer, and to be able to share one's burdens this way.

one of my biggest gripes now is that debussy's petite suite is for piano, FOUR HANDS. obviously i don't have four hands, only two, and jon's away. en bateau will have to wait.

would debussy dismiss it as drivel?
we were studying (admittedly playing scrabbulous, more like) in school on tuesday when ruishan said, maybe we should switch mp3 players to see what we're each listening to - but then you've probably got a lot of christian music?

and i told her, nah i don't really like christian music nowadays (honestly. but if you gave me a cd with hymns done interestingly and a capella i'd reconsider). most of - five-eighths - of my playlist is classical music, i said, because i wanted something value neutral (the rest is jazz, ella fitzgerald and joe pass. if you want just let me know).

of the five-eighths, there's only holst's jupiter that isn't by debussy or debussy and ravel.

i was preparing for my juris presentation which just happened, and as all philosophy students will agree, it's quite a frustrating thing to dissect theories especially when you're sleepy. which got me to thinking whether debussy would have thought they (the theories) were drivel and there was so much more to life. and i decided that anyone who could write about life the way he did would probably have thought it was drivel.

the names of his songs are all in french and all in one folder so i don't know what i'm listening to but it doesn't matter, really.

that being said, i enjoy jurisprudence very much. my tutor pointed out to me today that i seem to be a bit muddled in my views, so perhaps it's time for me to stop trying to defer to the world and look at things properly from God's point of view.

***
if jon and i were to be nominated as a couple for superlatives - yes, that annoying facebook application - we would be voted most likely to get into the weirdest scrapes. which other pair believes in being strangely honest (and i meant honest such that it's strange), or chooses to go on exchange to places where there's no toilet paper, where msn and skype seem to be blocked and budget calls on 1516 from singapore cost 30 cents a minute? (95 cents on singtel budget plan, but thank God for starhub pre-paid cards, 11 cents a minute)

moral of the story, choose china cause at least there's msn. although i do love chappati and i'm sure you like it too. but we'll see when i get to beijing (if i get to beijing) whether it'll be quirkily charming enough to add to our superlatives nomination, if ever there was one.

i was frantically calling starhub and m1 to ask about their idd plans last night, after finding out from 1516 that it's 30 cents a minute to bangalore, off-peak. thanks to abi who provided me with all the numbers.

m1 was useless, i queried about that super funny "this is mumbai ah. in-dee-ah," ad which offered free calls to india and the guy told me i had to sign up for some sunperks plan. he also seemed in a hurry to put down the phone. singtel was way better although the guy sounded very sheepish when he told me it was 95 cents a minute. then there was starhub, lovely starhub, with the very chirpy customer service officer even though it was around eleven p.m. who sounded so pleased to tell me that there was an offer until 31 dec for 11 cents a minute on 018 calls to india from a pre-paid card.

we'll see about the connection after i get the card, haha. for now it's google chat, coupled with erratic power/internet failures which means we get cut off mid-chat. endearing in its own way, something to remember and laugh about when we're older and greyer. i love these things that remind us of a time when technology was less advanced and life, simpler.