sometimes

i wish i didn't know the things i know now. things about life, people, the world. sometimes i wish i didn't know that hearts (including mine) could be broken so easily, by what would seem to others to be the slightest, most cursory of things.

sometimes i wish i lived in a world where paddington was real and we believed in winnie-the-pooh and were willing to take time off from our busy lives to traipse in the hundred acre wood. they're two of my all time favourite characters in books - they're not just bears, mind you. sometimes i think they have more sense than the people i encounter in real life - or humans in books, my post about grown-ups who refuse to believe in magic being a case in point.

"Paddington wasn't quite sure about the spelling of itinerary, but though he had looked through all the 'E's in Mr Brown's dictionary the night before he hadn't been able to find it anywhere. On the whole, Paddington wasn't surprised. He didn't think much of dictionaries and he often found that when he wanted to look up a particularly difficult word it was nowhere to be found."

he just went ahead and spelt it "eyetinnery." and why not? it sounds enough like 'itinerary' when you say it. it was good enough for him, it was the best he could manage, and more importantly it seems that it was enough for everybody else.

sometimes i wonder if i'm running away from Growing Up (sometimes is also a song from britney spears' first album, and look where she is now) because i re-read the adventures of paddington and winnie-the-pooh every so often, along with all the other children's books in my bookcase, most of which have cracked spines. i don't think i am, but sometimes (especially in recentimes) it has gotten pretty overwhelming, and i've felt nauseous, like i was drowning, because there were just too many things to do. and i think, at these times, i should turn to my bible and to God, but sometimes it's just easier to read about pooh and piglet catching heffalumps. i'd like to think God divinely inspired a.a. milne too.

sometimes i wish i wasn't equally guilty of making assumptions and jumping to conclusions about other people, of judging them, really, but don't we all? and sometimes, just sometimes, i wish that was a valid excuse. excuses aren't ever quite valid though, you think?

***
i lay on my bed last night looking at the ceiling, beginning paddington abroad for the umpteenth time. scrawled on the inside front page in a childish hand are the words "This is hereby the property of cockroach eye. Bought at Foyles, 26th Nov 1997 London Heathrow. If lost, please call 469-3012."

that was when - i can't even remember why - i was cockroach eye to my friends, kak chuar yan. when i didn't know that you flew to london heathrow because heathrow was the name of the airport, not that the full name of the city of london was london heathrow. a time when singaporean telephone numbers didn't begin with '6'.

i turned off the light after the first bit of the first chapter, surprised that i felt so chillax about the impending exam, a little sad that this semester was going to be over at 1100 on thursday - with a chinese paper, nonetheless - and it had been a rather weird-ass semester. 'weird-ass' is the only way to describe it because it went by so fast, almost like it didn't quite happen at all. and yet i know it did because i remember rui's everlasting packets of japanese and/or korean seaweed, our endless chastising "GET OFF FACEBOOK/MSN/WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING NOW AND STUDY!" - usually over said medium. and i remember all of our daily groans (whines) whenever lunch or dinner time came round because we usually ended up eating cai fan; the seemingly never-ending evidence lectures, and how when p*nsler announced that it was the last one it was like i was waking up from a long sleep and i didn't quite know where the hours before had went; how we said at the beginning of the sem that we didn't know why evidence was eight credits or why it was a year 3 subject because "it's just case law what." boy, were we wrong when we finally got down to studying it properly.

i think i remember the most about evidence simply because it was our common module, the last we'll have in law school. the next time we have common modules in the sense of 'compulsory, everyone must take,' is when we're doing our plc.

***
today was a nice day. there was perfect after-exam weather, not hot, and i spent the most part of it with sean, long-lost heart friend. funny how we've all turned out after jc, how you realise that life isn't quite about always and forever. and how can it be, when everyday you're reminded how fragile you are and how only He can be always and forever.

the only thing that was missing from today was -

jerome called me the night before last and we talked a little about jon's family's trip to japan, and he asked me what i wanted for christmas. i told him (he's only 13) to save his money for a rainy day, and that all i really wanted for christmas was for da ge to come home safely. and seeing as neither of us had enough money to make that happen, i told him he didn't have to buy me anything and all he had to do was to remember to pray, and be a good boy.

i've taken to referring to jon as "you-know-who," with the hope that that makes the fact that i talk about him pretty often less gay. of course, after harry potter, "you-know-who" is more or less taken to refer to voldemort.

now if only he could apparate home, just like the latter.

if i had a pet duck
i would name him dworkin, and his full name would be dworkin ronald the duck. i don't think i can call him ronald dworkin the duck, because you need the alliteration to come from the first name. he'd be dworky for short.

now don't you think dworkin's just such a nice name for a duck? not that i've anything against him - or his theory of adjudication - as such, but this morning i was sitting up in bed reading hart's reply to him and i felt quite sorry for hart (they're both legal philosophers). dworkin's entire theory (i believe) was premised on the idea that he didn't think hart's theory quite cut it. dworkin was hart's student, if i'm not wrong, and lord seow was asking me last night (and i agree): how could he be such a traitor?

oh well. life happens, i guess.

***
i spent this morning sitting propped up as i am now, leaning against the wall on my pillow, lenny on my lap. the pillowcase is currently a rather lurid orange with bright green flowers - done tastefully of course, which i quite like. after thirteen or so years with pale pink bedsheets it was refreshing when mummy brought home these orange ones.

so here i was, not quite wanting to go through my jurisprudence materials anymore even though the concepts were floating around in my head waiting to be re-grounded in arguments i believe i formulated just the afternoon before. floating around and having a good time playing tag, and ice and melt.

despite that, i decided i'd play solitaire until i won a game - it's quite hard to do so, you never know what kinda hand you're gonna be dealt - and when i won a game (took about three tries) i decided to try this game called purble place. i think it comes with windows vista, and i should have realised from the fact that it was rated family friendly (and free) that it'd be extremely boring. i was sort of hoping it'd be like darby the dragon, one of the better kid's games i've played - about darby the dragon, duh. oh and now you see why the alliteration must come from the first name? just sounds cooler. i spent about twenty minutes "baking cakes," i.e. just choosing the correct colour of cake and frosting, and shape of cake tin and correct shape to place on top of the cake, among other things.

however, i also decided after having been told that i baked five out of five cakes correctly (what would have happened if i hadn't? maybe i should try) that i would just read my bible and pray and hum hymns to myself.

quite a restful morning, don't you think? and i'm usually quite restless before exams. i don't know, maybe evidence totally wiped me out. but to put it simply, i was pretty chillax - which i'm thankful for.

***
last night before going to sleep i spent about five minutes looking at the picture of jon and me, on my desktop. five minutes, because i think that's the period of inactivity after which lenny's programmed to go sleep. and it was one of those times of clarity and restfulness, of peace, which have proved less elusive than i thought, with respect to him. you never quite know how things will turn out when you're apart, no matter that we were sure it was gonna be okay, before he left.

but God's been good to him, to me, to us. it's the same restfulness which comes when you see middle-aged couples walking around the neighbourhood - which i saw during my recent moon walks - not quite talking but just being together. rather older than when they first begun, but not quite disillusioned, i'd like to think: with each other, anyway. older and wiser with respect to each other, now there's a better word. and still together - now there's true wisdom for you, and it's not disillusionment so i hope you'll refrain from calling it that when you get to that age.

restfulness, and i think a sort of simple wonderment, like when you see new grandparents, tiny fingers curled around one finger, why are babies so wont to grab things when you hold them out to them? it's not wonder like the awe-inspiring kind but an Everyday sort of wonder. sometimes i wonder how it'd be if jon died before i did - when we're old and we've lived life well, together. but that's too far in the future, and God willing, we'll know when we get there. i suppose it's quite nice, when all you want to do, is grow old with somebody.

***
anyway wah lau so soppy hor. my mother is currently watching the search for the next pussy cat doll, and i am going to read my chinese notes - or rather, the slides which i spoke of a few posts ago.

picture from quen's blog, with original accompanying message

"chloe’s such a flirt, she hangs out with all these guys…"

i heart you all very many okay! and it's not my fault liz is on exchange and adele and ian are away. plus i do think i'm slightly more man than most of you - except perhaps where jon's concerned. but then there's a reason why i'm his girlfriend right, and we've been friends for the past four years. :)

why does batman wear a cape?
and i'm serious - why does he? so he can fly? so he can properly look like a bat?

jon, batman fan that he is, will probably kill me for asking such a strange question - all boys who like batman probably have this cape fetish thing going on. after all, it is the easiest part of the superhero costume to replicate - just use a big towel or a bedsheet lor.

but i was watching a bit of batman begins just now and there was this bit when christian bale got set on fire by the scarecrow and he jumped out of the window into a puddle (it was raining, how convenient) and his cape got all wet and he ended up looking rather bedraggled. the cape was all crumpled up like cloth when it's wet, you know? i mean, why couldn't he have made it waterproof or something? how to fly like that also?

***
don't know how hard it's going to be to keep finding pieces of peace next time, but i do know we'll be together, and that's what matters and what's the most important. so long as we keep choosing true love, and we keep choosing God.

the night before evidence i decided that i had to take myself out for a walk because reading the house at pooh corner before i went to sleep wasn't proving sufficient to take my mind off evidence.

it hasn't been the easiest of weeks, i've been living eating breathing evidence - it was the first thing i thought of when i woke up in the morning and last thing i thought of at night. how to do well like that? because honestly i do think we need to get our minds off things totally, if we want to them well when they actually come around.

and so, as i was saying, i took myself out for a walk with my mp3 player.

before i go on though, i'd like to say sorry to rui for swearing after evidence. i would take it back if i could, but since i can't, i'll just apologise here. it wasn't that the paper was bad, i was just so tired and exhausted (i couldn't believe i did THREE hypos) and there wasn't anything else left to say. but yes, i shouldn't have, because it's not something God would have wanted me to do.

there's only one cd i've been listening to lately, and that's kathy troccoli's draw me closer. that's where my life is in Your hands is from, and it's a wonderful song, it is.

i walked all the way to the top of the hill near my house, and as i turned the corner so i'd make one round around my estate i looked up at the sky, and the moon was there, full and glowing like a full moon should. it was rather cloudy too, but the clouds were moving past the moon and it'd be shining clearly one moment and clouded over the next. just like the lyrics of the song:

and though i may not see clearly
i will lift my voice and sing, 'cause Your love does amazing things
Lord i know, my life is in Your hands.

when the clouds were moving across the moon, i couldn't see it clearly - but then they moved across and over the moon (were they really, or did it just look like that from where i was?) and the moon was there, clear, until the clouds moved across it again. i stood there looking at the sky and listening to the song for about two minutes or so, and i finally felt at peace again.

***
thursday i decided to stay home instead of going to school to study, and i spent a fair bit of the morning with e flat major sevenths on the piano, along with a certain song written by a certain somebody. and although it really affected me, recording it, i'm glad i did because it was the beginning of my getting my mind off evidence and a reminder that there's so much more to live for.

i went for a run wednesday evening, and i stood at the overhead bridge looking at - again - a cloudy moon, on my way back home. it wasn't quite dark yet, the last vestiges of the sunny day were being absorbed by the impending inkiness of the night, kinda like how when you leave your highlighter uncapped with the nib on a piece of paper, and all the ink gets slowly absorbed away. i wasn't wearing my spectacles so everything looked a bit blurry, and the headlights of cars looked like they were weaving in and out of the trees by themselves.

they were nice, these pieces of peace.

chloe: what if we don't read the c*y case note, and he marks our essay?
stressed law sch friend: then c plus lor!

you have to see c*y for yourself to know why it's worrying. i don't think he actually really cares about us as students, or if we make fresh arguments. too lazy lah.

i'm in a chocolate kinda mood now

totally random, and i want to write about many other things but those other things will have to wait until i leak out more evidence notes - my bid to reduce my carbon footprint is failing.

but i just had to show you the picture of us attacking shannon's birthday cake:

you can see how greedy we are, we couldn't even wait for it to melt sufficiently so that we could slice it up. and poor shannon, he virtually had ice cream for dinner that night. i tried to convince him NOT to have nuggets after but i guess ice cream isn't really filling particularly when you're only out on weekends from sunnyislandsetinthesea tekong.

because i'm a meanie
i hope hearsay evidence will remain inadmissible in singapore, at least until after year four sem one - because that's when jon has to do evidence, AND HE SHOULD HAVE TO SUFFER LIKE THE REST OF US.

today i finally discovered how screen shots work. a little late, cause i wanted to put up a shot of the time rui and i were web camming IN SINGAPORE hurhur. but here's today's sweet thing of the day: jon's brother changed his msn picture to me and him. so aww worthy hor. :)

容祯是一位非常好的朋友。她刚刚非常有耐心地向我解释了我们这个学期华文课程主要的内容。

which means: jolie is a very good friend. she just ran through with me and explained, with great patience, the essential things we need to know with regards to our chinese legal traditions module.

the funniest thing is when i read her the contents of some of the slides i printed, she started laughing and went "chloeee!!!" incredulously.

because even though they looked very cheem (any mass of chinese words looks cheem, i told you i eat potatoes right?) they only provided background information for our group presentations. i.e. they were irrelevant to the exam.

oh well i shall just read them anyway, to improve my chinese grammar. which, by God's grace, i think has improved.

the only grown-ups i can remember at this point who believed in "childish fancies" of the sort mentioned below were the parents of jo, bessie and fanny of the enchanted wood trilogy. their mother allowed moon face and the saucepan man to stay over when mr watzisname was angry with the both of them. and she said, when jo stayed over with moon face in the FIRST book, "i expect jo is just staying over with moon face for a treat!". as an aside, jo only did so because the policeman from the Land of Topsy-Turvy whom he was rude to made him able only to walk on his hands. you wouldn't like to go home to your mother walking upside down, would you?

when the three children and cousin dick came home from the Rocking Land - was that what it was called, in the second book? - their father scolded them and said he would not let them go about with their friends or get them nice clothes if they would come back with the clothes all tattered.

when they came back with lovely presents from the Land of Presents these two very enlightened grown-ups willingly accepted the goat, hens, garden tools, purse, pipe and tobacco (this is still book two, the magic faraway tree) instead of asking whether they stole these things or some such other nonsense - to their very obvious benefit, don't you think?

finally, when connie comes to stay in book three (the folk of the faraway tree) her initial incredulity at the existence of the enchanted wood is partially dispelled by the mother of jo, bessie and fanny telling her otherwise. she also lets them have a tea party at their house for silky, moon face and the saucepan man - who never made it there because they were shut up in the slippery slip by lady yell-around and lord shout-alot (i can't remember their names exactly!) from the Land of Tempers.

you can see how often i have read and re-read these books.

the point is, smart parents.

the enchanted castle
is really yalding towers, which is where gerald, kathleen, james and mabel found the ring that is "whatever you say it is," leading to the four getting up to various shennenigans, chief among them becoming invisible. (mabel comes after the 'and' because the former three are siblings, she's the niece of the housekeeper at yalding towers.)

gerald, kathleen and james were unable to go home for the holidays because their cousin betty got measles when she arrived there first (it's always measles!) and were desperately wishing for something to happen to them when they chanced upon mabel playing at being a princess asleep for a hundred years in the middle of a maze, gerald conveniently tumbling into a tunnel which led them to yalding towers - the enchanted castle, really. that's when the 'something exciting' they were hoping to happen really does happen. it's rather exciting in a horrid way for them at first, given the inadvertent wishes granted and inquisitive adults - but it was written for children, and there is always some lovely, good thing to be learnt in books about and for children.

there was harry potter, and now there's the golden compass; i wonder why no one raised a ruckus about the enchanted castle, or the story of the amulet. they were both written in the late 1800s to the early 1900s, but i haven't heard of them being decried as rank heresy, not like the "magic books" of today. and what of carbonel, talking cats and flying broomsticks and mrs cantrip's spell book which rosemary and john managed to steal from her, which led to the rainbow magic and the undoing of the silent magic?

but i think children need these things. they need to imagine, to dream, to believe in the impossible - the grown ups in all these books never seemed to believe the children, dismissing the magical happenings as "childish fancies," nodding absently when told about them and telling them to "run along, now, there's a dear" and going back to knitting and reading the papers or whatever boring and grown-up thing they were doing at the moment. aunt petunia and uncle vernon didn't believe in it, neither did lord yalding until he saw it at work for himself; how many of us would believe in magic today, especially in the pragmatic singaporean social climate?

funnily enough, it was reading the enchanted castle that made me think about whether i've been neglecting spending time with God. we don't ever want to admit to ourselves that we are i think, until we have some time alone and we feel rather - discouraged? worn? weary? and we wonder why, and ask if God has truly been working in our lives.

"don't you see now," said mabel, her eyes wider than ever, "the ring's what you say it is? that's how it came to make us invisible - i just said it . . . i say it isn't a wishing-ring. i say it's a ring that makes the wearer four yards high."

she had caught up the ring as she spoke, and even as she spoke the ring showed high above the children's heads on the finger of an impossible mabel, who was, indeed, twelve feet high.

perhaps that's what child-like faith is about, you think? believing, and carrying the precious knowledge with us each day that we can and should expect miracles if we're walking with Jesus; that if we pray and ask for things in His name, in His will, He will answer.

***
one of my favourite parts in the enchanted castle which i've quoted before in this space is when the children find the hall of granted wishes:

"many other pictures there were that these arches framed. and all showed some moment when life had sprung to fire and flower - the best that the soul of man could ask or man's destiny grant. and the really good hotel had its place here too, because there are some souls that ask no higher thing of life than ' a really good hotel.' "

which is nice, isn't it? to expect little and gain much simply because you do.

of course, there is no life without its hunger (from you raise me up, that annoying over-played over-sung song) and even though we should be content in whatever circumstances we're in, there is something more and greater we should always be looking to.

the enchanted castle ended with lord yalding finding his long-lost love - every wish the ring granted when it was a wishing ring exacted a price except from children, except for the last wish. and his long-lost love (who, incidentally, was also kathleen's french governess at school) wished that all the magic the ring ever wrought be undone, and the ring be naught more than a charm to bind herself and lord yalding forevermore.

there's still magic, whether we want to see it or not. and we don't need wishes granted, or fantastic things happening. we just need Jesus - and from Him with whom there is no changing, comes every good and perfect thing.

alright and this is rather cheesy but - above all, there are miracles because there is Love, and love. and it's true and you know it!

purely for yalan's and rui's amusement
i miss jon lau!!1!!!!1 *sobs sobz sobzZZZzzzZ*

and for everyone else, this i came across in liew kaling v. public prosecutor [1960] 1 MLJ 306.1 (goodness knows why it's '306.1'):

"It is however, only helpful to say that the only standard is that of the prudent man if we go on to say that the prudent man himself applies a variety of standards, a variety of standards that can be almost infinite, to the problems of ordinary life. . . the matter is perhaps not capable of being expressed in words but clearly the standard which a prudent man will apply to the question of whether he should take a box of chocolates home to his wife is something different from the standard he will apply to the question of whether he should take the good lady a valuable diamond ring. He will apply a different standard to the question of whether his butler has helped himself to a little of his whiskey than he will to the question of whether his wife has been seduced by his gamekeeper."

might i suggest that the standard he would apply to the first question is, in the words of sandra leong from last monday's straight talk column, is that of the 4 Cs. cut, carat, clarity and cardiac arrest (when he sees the price tag on the "valuable diamond ring"). only if he fulfils the last one will he know that his lady love will deem him worthy.

me, i'd be happy with a box of chocolates. very dark please.

and i have no answer for the second question. very strange legal system we have - if a judge approves his previous judgement in a subsequent case does that in any way detract from the authority of either as good law?

thanks you quents and jon ong for coming to school yesterday

even though you guys kept making fun of law students and i was worried you guys would end up being prosecuted under the snail act (kidding, think it's been un-officially repealed). i was extremely happy to see the both of you and thanks jon for dropping by again after your guitar lesson even though we both know who you really wanted to see (again, kidding). and even though, as we've come to say, you're the (wr)ong jon. okay not funny.

after reading jolie's blog
19, from the sonnets to orpheus by rainer maria rilke.

Quick though the earth itself churns,
changing like cloud formations,
each fulfilled thing returns
to ancient foundations.

Beyond changing and passing,
freer and higher,
your prelude is alone lasting:
god with the lyre.

Grief is beyond comprehension.
True love has never been learned.
Nor do we know by what agency

we are to death interned.
Only the song over the land
yields blessing and commemoration.

joe looks plain scary, quents is always pouting and shannon looks too army boy for words.

the mandatory food pictures are of dishes already finished or in the process of being eaten because i neglected to take my camera out when the food first arrived. yoshinoya and pumpkin soup from tcc post-movie, shannon's creation. see below for further information.

because i finally decided to bring cammie out, we have photos! although most of them are of shannon's deconstruction of what used to be a tcc coaster.

yes, the coaster transcended its context. maybe because we were talking about christianity in post-modern context.

and we also watched lars and the real girl, which was nice. thanks all for a lovely night. :)

teh-c-kosong dai zou and khong guan sultana biscuits
yesterday evening i was on the bus on the way to melanie's house when i felt something moving on my wrist. it was a thin, green caterpillar. i shook him (her? it, then) off onto the seat next to me, and proceeded to watch it move around helplessly trying to search for a way off the seat and back to its grassy abode, i suppose. it was fascinating, the way it moved, arching itself; although i'm rather fearful of such moving creatures because they're so small and they move so quickly - who knows where they'll crawl to - i felt its desperation. kinda reminded me of how we are before God rescues us.

so i took out an old receipt from my wallet, held it next to the caterpillar so it would crawl onto it, prayed like anything that it wouldn't crawl back onto my hand, and i managed to take it successfully out of the bus on the receipt and i set it free on the grass next to melanie's bus stop.

remember those $1.99 shop pink and blue slippers which everyone seemed to be wearing when we were in secondary school, and those "trail" ones with the thick black straps in various neon colours? you exchanged a side with your friend if you could, so you could look cooler and appear popular and "tight" with someone else.

that was quite important, wasn't it, in those days? how we used to cling so tightly to that sort of thing, trying so hard to manifest the security of friendships in pieces of foam.

they were usually adorned with words and flowers or hearts or any manner of cutesy girl things in fabric paint, glittery or not. they were really quite ugly though. and the $1.99 shop doesn't even exist anymore.

kiss the rain, whenever you need me

how we loved that song when we were, what, 11 or 12? i was kept awake by the rain, lying on my bed early early wednesday morning. right before it started raining i'd rung jon and we'd spoken for two minutes before he had to go, and it had been raining in bangalore too.

what's new, how's the weather? is it stormy where you are, you're so close but it feels like you're so far.

and even though it cost a very painful fifteen cents, i sent him an sms to tell him that i'd flown a kiss out of my window into the rain. just because.

***
i said i'd find something to be thankful about everyday this week, and tuesday night i was anna's witness for her mock trial which took place at wong partnership. i realised then that wong p was very near bak chor mee sua with the grumpy uncle! which means i might apply there for pupillage after all. however there isn't much good food around there besides aforementioned stall, or maybe i just haven't explored that area enough.

yesterday (it's 0006 on my computer clock) saw the last bsf session of the year, and it seems like only yesterday i walked in for the first lesson of the year not knowing what to expect - with no expectations really. the sermon at watchnight 2006 was 'scraped tablets,' and we were encouraged to enter 2007 with hearts scraped clean of the past to allow God to write His own story for us, and He has.

being me, i raised my hand when the teaching leader looked around for the second person to share on 'how romans has touched my life this year.' i'm rather tired now, but i'm going to share what i shared now because i might not have time to blog over the weekend.

as i sat there tonight listening to various people share i was immensely thankful and awed that God had been so faithful to so many, and i felt affirmed as i identified with other peoples' stories of how the study of romans changed their lives. because it changed mine too, like, totally.

this is what i scribbled down on my notes for today's sharing:

one of the most significant lessons i've learnt and applied from the study of romans has been the lesson on justification by faith and how we inflict pain on ourselves as a result of our choice to turn away from God. it has been significant because i finally became a Christian, in the proper sense of the word, as it should be. God called, as He had been doing for so long, and because i finally understood how amazing His grace was, i gave my heart to Him and decided to follow Jesus - the world behind me, the cross before me, no turning back.

i can't even quite remember what happened exactly, but i remember there was a period where i had unspeakable joy; where i just longed to spend time praying and worshipping Him - a period when i felt a tangible difference inside, like someone had literally, physically taken away the guilt, shame, hurt and pain of the past years. taken it away and replaced it with God's love, His cleansing love, and reconciled my wandering heart to His ever-faithful one. such a change, what blessings, how amazing His grace.

i've come to see that everything truly works together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose. i've learnt to see people as God sees them - loved, created in His image; learnt how much pain God feels when we disobey Him.

there is nothing more, and nothing less, that we can do to earn our salvation but to put our faith and trust in Him when He calls us to do so. but that might as yet be the hardest and scariest thing ever, as it was for me. still, i have lived fully and with the joy of the Holy Spirit after doing just that in february, and i've grown closer to Him in a way that i never imagined or thought was possible. i prayed that i'd never forget how it felt before this change happened, and when i'm down, i remember the emptiness i felt in the past and then i just close my eyes and thank God because i realise each time that i'm simply not empty anymore. it hasn't always been easy, but i hope i will always be able to say i'd rather have Jesus than anything this world affords today - for we have no life apart from Him, He is everything.

i used to be unsure of my faith, of what being a Christian entailed, but i'm sure now, and am always ready to share when i can. and it's only because God has truly blessed me with understanding, wisdom and courage. apart from Him i don't think i could have done or said anything, could have loved the way i did and been the friend that i've been to all of you this year.

thank you for thanking me whenever you've thought i've helped you in any way - and i know, i am absolutely and utterly convinced that i wouldn't be who i am today if God didn't bring me to this glorious eternal life by grace through faith in Jesus. i can't explain how i changed so quickly (in human time), can't explain how everything just seemed to fall into place. so it must have been God, and for that i'm thankful. it's such a relief knowing there's someone far greater taking care of everything.

'tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home.

goodnight. i am very lazy but i'll try to blog when i can, promise. :) all the best for exams and God bless.