emo-nemo strikes again
although i realise that every time i think i'm going to have an entry that's veering towards being puke-worthy i make sure i post warnings beforehand. which kinda ruins the overall effect, you think?
you can also blame jon for this emo mood, because he was the one who told me to go listen to ben folds five's landed and still fighting it when i was verging emo-ness last night.
all right, i know that if you youtube landed it appears to be about a chimpanzee.
BUT STILL. you don't fight with music like that, especially because one of the reasons i think they're good, too, is because you can actually hear what they're singing about.
and of course, brick. one of their classics. that one i went to youtube myself, but how can you listen to ben folds songs and not go back to brick?
cannot win lah.
***
it's 0535 as i've begun typing this, and the sun is rising. despite the fact that i've been mentally (rather than physically) exhausted after our climb up changbaishan, i've been waking up early the past two days. the sunrises from my window are surprisingly unpretty, maybe because the sun rises slowly slowly, the mornings are foggy, and the surrounding buildings just too tall.
the fact that the sun's rising this early means that we're really entering summer here in beijing, but it's still pretty cold until about 0800, and it starts getting cooler around 1700 in the evening. i've buried my legs under my trusty quilt, which i hope won't cause me to exceed the weight limit when i bring it back to singapore.
last night jinni told me that i really should consider going to inner mongolia with them, and that they would try very hard to squeeze the trip in before i had to leave. i was touched, but i declined and told them to do everything according to their plans, because i was looking forward to bak chor mee more than to seeing stars right up close and grassland and riding on a horse and sliding down sand dunes.
i know that sounds Absolutely Ridiculous to some, but i think you'll understand.
(yes, because it'll really mean porridge until i go home, not to mention more hassle with visas)
some days, sometimes, bouts of loneliness seize me, even though i couldn't ask for nicer people to be on exchange with.
like now. and yesterday, when i was having lunch with jolie in the school canteen. for no reason whatsoever i felt my heart contract and i just felt sad that i was still 8 weeks from home.
we talked last night, the three of us in the house, about how we felt on top of changbaishan. i sheepishly confessed that although i'd said it would've been unwise to carry on, i was really thinking of how far away beijing and a proper hot shower was, and of the fact that i had a pair of dry track pants in my backpack which i could change into once we got off the mountain. that thought sustained me through the climb down and through the freezing cold wait for the others in the souvenir shop.
it's not that i didn't honestly think it was unsafe and there was a chance that we might have gotten hurt, or that i didn't want to see falling snow in the underground forest. pressing on to the tianchi would've been nice, i guess, and seeing the white against the green would have been lovely.
i don't quite know how to explain how i felt at those points in time.
i think it was more like i felt that i'd had enough, in the sense that whatever we'd seen and done was enough for me and i didn't see anything wrong with sitting out because i was Too Cold For Words and i didn't want to fall sick or break a leg. the former would've meant 2 to 3 weeks of Feeling Miserable in beijing during exam time, and the latter would've meant that i couldn't run the singapore marathon at the end of the year.
and of course, i sure as heck didn't want any of the others to get hurt either, and they sounded Pretty Darn Scared up there.
beyond that, things just don't feel the same without jon, and i think that's probably why i get a bit quiet so often, and why i'm more willing than the others to sit out on things.
it sounds like my life revolves around him, but believe me, it doesn't.
i was sure about coming to beijing on exchange, just as sure as i was that he was meant to go to bangalore. it hasn't always been easy, of course, but i think we've had a very enjoyable, peaceful long-distance relationship, which i think is more rare than it is common. when i look at the past seven months they seem like almost nothing short of a miracle, and it makes me ever more grateful for what i know can only be God working in our lives.
i realised last night that loving him has made me a stronger person: i think i'm now more determined to get things done and to see things through, simply because i don't want to die without seeing jon at least one more time.
that's a morbid thought, huh. but it's what pushes me to keep pressing on whenever i feel like staying in my room and crying or playing endless rounds of text twirl to stave off the jon-shaped empty feeling and the dizziness and exhaustion which comes from being out in the busy, bustling, overcrowded city which is beijing. it pushed me to get to the top of changbaishan despite weather conditions never before encountered and to survive awful train rides (we got ying zhuo seats for our journey back from changbaishan), among other things.
most of all, it's made me determined to live, not just for the reason i gave above, but also because i want to be someone worthy of his love. there's living, and there's living. you know what i mean?
still, the novelty of being in a new country is fast wearing off and is being replaced by a longing for bak chor mee, tiger beer, teh-o-kosong and hours and hours of sitting and walking around talking about nothing, and everything in the world.
i'll miss beijing when 1 july comes.
but nothing i can see in the world, no place i can go to, will be able to compare to seeing jon smile at me in Real Life. little else matters (God, family, friends - don't worry i haven't turned into an obsessive possessive maniac), and it's comforting to know, you think, that i've reached that realisation?
although i realise that every time i think i'm going to have an entry that's veering towards being puke-worthy i make sure i post warnings beforehand. which kinda ruins the overall effect, you think?
you can also blame jon for this emo mood, because he was the one who told me to go listen to ben folds five's landed and still fighting it when i was verging emo-ness last night.
all right, i know that if you youtube landed it appears to be about a chimpanzee.
BUT STILL. you don't fight with music like that, especially because one of the reasons i think they're good, too, is because you can actually hear what they're singing about.
and of course, brick. one of their classics. that one i went to youtube myself, but how can you listen to ben folds songs and not go back to brick?
cannot win lah.
***
it's 0535 as i've begun typing this, and the sun is rising. despite the fact that i've been mentally (rather than physically) exhausted after our climb up changbaishan, i've been waking up early the past two days. the sunrises from my window are surprisingly unpretty, maybe because the sun rises slowly slowly, the mornings are foggy, and the surrounding buildings just too tall.
the fact that the sun's rising this early means that we're really entering summer here in beijing, but it's still pretty cold until about 0800, and it starts getting cooler around 1700 in the evening. i've buried my legs under my trusty quilt, which i hope won't cause me to exceed the weight limit when i bring it back to singapore.
last night jinni told me that i really should consider going to inner mongolia with them, and that they would try very hard to squeeze the trip in before i had to leave. i was touched, but i declined and told them to do everything according to their plans, because i was looking forward to bak chor mee more than to seeing stars right up close and grassland and riding on a horse and sliding down sand dunes.
i know that sounds Absolutely Ridiculous to some, but i think you'll understand.
(yes, because it'll really mean porridge until i go home, not to mention more hassle with visas)
some days, sometimes, bouts of loneliness seize me, even though i couldn't ask for nicer people to be on exchange with.
like now. and yesterday, when i was having lunch with jolie in the school canteen. for no reason whatsoever i felt my heart contract and i just felt sad that i was still 8 weeks from home.
we talked last night, the three of us in the house, about how we felt on top of changbaishan. i sheepishly confessed that although i'd said it would've been unwise to carry on, i was really thinking of how far away beijing and a proper hot shower was, and of the fact that i had a pair of dry track pants in my backpack which i could change into once we got off the mountain. that thought sustained me through the climb down and through the freezing cold wait for the others in the souvenir shop.
it's not that i didn't honestly think it was unsafe and there was a chance that we might have gotten hurt, or that i didn't want to see falling snow in the underground forest. pressing on to the tianchi would've been nice, i guess, and seeing the white against the green would have been lovely.
i don't quite know how to explain how i felt at those points in time.
i think it was more like i felt that i'd had enough, in the sense that whatever we'd seen and done was enough for me and i didn't see anything wrong with sitting out because i was Too Cold For Words and i didn't want to fall sick or break a leg. the former would've meant 2 to 3 weeks of Feeling Miserable in beijing during exam time, and the latter would've meant that i couldn't run the singapore marathon at the end of the year.
and of course, i sure as heck didn't want any of the others to get hurt either, and they sounded Pretty Darn Scared up there.
beyond that, things just don't feel the same without jon, and i think that's probably why i get a bit quiet so often, and why i'm more willing than the others to sit out on things.
it sounds like my life revolves around him, but believe me, it doesn't.
i was sure about coming to beijing on exchange, just as sure as i was that he was meant to go to bangalore. it hasn't always been easy, of course, but i think we've had a very enjoyable, peaceful long-distance relationship, which i think is more rare than it is common. when i look at the past seven months they seem like almost nothing short of a miracle, and it makes me ever more grateful for what i know can only be God working in our lives.
i realised last night that loving him has made me a stronger person: i think i'm now more determined to get things done and to see things through, simply because i don't want to die without seeing jon at least one more time.
that's a morbid thought, huh. but it's what pushes me to keep pressing on whenever i feel like staying in my room and crying or playing endless rounds of text twirl to stave off the jon-shaped empty feeling and the dizziness and exhaustion which comes from being out in the busy, bustling, overcrowded city which is beijing. it pushed me to get to the top of changbaishan despite weather conditions never before encountered and to survive awful train rides (we got ying zhuo seats for our journey back from changbaishan), among other things.
most of all, it's made me determined to live, not just for the reason i gave above, but also because i want to be someone worthy of his love. there's living, and there's living. you know what i mean?
still, the novelty of being in a new country is fast wearing off and is being replaced by a longing for bak chor mee, tiger beer, teh-o-kosong and hours and hours of sitting and walking around talking about nothing, and everything in the world.
i'll miss beijing when 1 july comes.
but nothing i can see in the world, no place i can go to, will be able to compare to seeing jon smile at me in Real Life. little else matters (God, family, friends - don't worry i haven't turned into an obsessive possessive maniac), and it's comforting to know, you think, that i've reached that realisation?
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