well time makes older children get older, i'm getting older too
of late, it has become increasingly difficult for me to write; to sing, play the piano, give "presentations" to people - the formal ones, the informal ones. anything that requires me to put myself on the line and risk being torn apart because my feelings and thoughts will be made known to everyone around me. like my juris presentation, and today's life-sharing at cell.
i don't know what it is. i'd like to think i've become more diffident and self-effacing because i've matured over the years and i therefore don't need to justify myself with my words anymore (least of all with fancy schmancy deep-ish musings about life), and therefore i'm also now more willing to listen to other people. yet sometimes i feel i've just become painfully shy and i get the idea that people aren't really interested in what i have to say because frankly, i'm not exactly interested in what they have to say either. in fact, there are times when i think the only thing i have worth to talk about is God and how i'm able to love, how He has given me this wonderful ability to love - and the best thing of all, how He has enabled me to love and understand Him. because everything else is vanity and chasing after the wind.
don't get me wrong. i love sitting around doing nothing with the girls, having ridiculous conversations about nothing at all: like my conversation with rui today about what to name my children next time, or lunch with yalan where we talked about something utterly ridiculous. i can't quite remember what it was that we talked about but i remember laughing very hard. i even like studying, like coming online to have conversations with people. all these very wordly things - and then, as i turn off my laptop for the night i sit back and wonder if i've spent enough time with God today.
it's been incredibly difficult having jon away. i never thought it'd be this hard, for me. or maybe i did think it would be, knew it would be, but just didn't want to admit it to myself. it's okay, really - i'm good. i'm doing well, i'm not terribly depressed; i just can't seem to shake off the feeling that something's missing. we've just talked, and he's right. i have to truly want to stop feeling that something's missing, want to stop feeling that i want to have something sad to talk about. human beings are weird that way - so often even we christians settle for the worthless when we've already seen what it's like to choose the worthy.
it's not sad really, him being away. having oodles of time with the girls has been a blessing, and besides, there are more difficult things in life coming up. although i pointed out to him that mortgages and kids getting into trouble will be different because we'll be in the same country and hopefully living in the same flat by then, having gotten married. we'll be together. this is a different kind of difficult.
at times i wish we didn't have facebook, msn or email. or snailmail even. then i wouldn't have to keep expecting things, and getting disappointed. i know what i should do, and jon's been incredibly patient and direct (which i'm thankful for, even though it hurts to have your faults pointed out to you). i need to lower my expectations, and not put pressure on myself to come online. because i hate having that pressure, and it makes me hate the fact that we have so many means of communicating even though i should be thankful for them. as in, i have the idea if they weren't there i wouldn't expect so much communication or any communication for that matter.
but there you have it - we are an instantly gratified generation, and i've gotta learn to deal with it God's way. that's the only way i'm ever going to battle the evil forces of the world the bible talks about, taking comfort in the fact that with Jesus we already have the victory. and i will be thankful for all this "adversity" (i have three square meals a day, enough pocket money and public buses to take me to school - water at the turn of the tap and electricity at the flick of a switch. adversity? huh?) because it's just going to bring me closer to God. i have been neglecting Him, really. not turning to Him whenever i'm down which is when i really need it, but finding other things to fill the space that jon's left. when answers aren't enough, when friends, people, msn, silly facebook groups, ANTM isn't enough - there is Jesus. i've forgotten that of late. and then i wonder: is He really everything to me, more precious and more worthy than anything this world has to offer, as i realised a little over two weeks ago? i was sure of it then, and i'm sure of it now. so why am i not living like i am?
what's more, just today, i shared in cell that we COULDN'T desire to choose worthlessness after we'd chosen what was worthy because we'd remember how it felt to choose what was worthy. but i guess we can, and i'm living proof of it right now. it does feel "good" to wallow in self-pity and think about the distance and the bad things instead of how sweet this time of separation is in its own way; how, if we do things God's way, we'll be able to look back on this entire time and laugh about bad internet connections during class (in india), the vegetarian food (jon is a carnivore) and totally random and silly poems written on the spur of the moment.
and i want that. i want to look back and see that i was strong because God wanted me to be so that i could glorify Him and enjoy His love so much more, being alone and without the one person i love the most in the world bar my parents and grandparents. i want to look back and see that i wasn't just self-aware of my own shortcomings but that i recognised in my weakness that if i accepted the sufficiency of His grace His strength would be perfected in me.
i want to look back and be able to say that i fought the fight and finished the race well. there have been too many years of heartache, nights of sleeplessness and tears: i do not want to go back there again, for i have tasted and seen that the Lord is good. it is only my own humanness now that keeps me from surrendering all my fears and worries to Him.
if the facebook group reaches 1253 members i will name my son wah and my daughter, zee. so they can be Wah Lau and Lau Zee respectively. tris suggested Hong - Lau Hong. and rui suggested chek, neng, sar (how do you spell one two three in hokkien) because lau2 is floor/level in hokkien and they'd be first floor second floor third floor depending on the order in which they were born.
of late, it has become increasingly difficult for me to write; to sing, play the piano, give "presentations" to people - the formal ones, the informal ones. anything that requires me to put myself on the line and risk being torn apart because my feelings and thoughts will be made known to everyone around me. like my juris presentation, and today's life-sharing at cell.
i don't know what it is. i'd like to think i've become more diffident and self-effacing because i've matured over the years and i therefore don't need to justify myself with my words anymore (least of all with fancy schmancy deep-ish musings about life), and therefore i'm also now more willing to listen to other people. yet sometimes i feel i've just become painfully shy and i get the idea that people aren't really interested in what i have to say because frankly, i'm not exactly interested in what they have to say either. in fact, there are times when i think the only thing i have worth to talk about is God and how i'm able to love, how He has given me this wonderful ability to love - and the best thing of all, how He has enabled me to love and understand Him. because everything else is vanity and chasing after the wind.
don't get me wrong. i love sitting around doing nothing with the girls, having ridiculous conversations about nothing at all: like my conversation with rui today about what to name my children next time, or lunch with yalan where we talked about something utterly ridiculous. i can't quite remember what it was that we talked about but i remember laughing very hard. i even like studying, like coming online to have conversations with people. all these very wordly things - and then, as i turn off my laptop for the night i sit back and wonder if i've spent enough time with God today.
it's been incredibly difficult having jon away. i never thought it'd be this hard, for me. or maybe i did think it would be, knew it would be, but just didn't want to admit it to myself. it's okay, really - i'm good. i'm doing well, i'm not terribly depressed; i just can't seem to shake off the feeling that something's missing. we've just talked, and he's right. i have to truly want to stop feeling that something's missing, want to stop feeling that i want to have something sad to talk about. human beings are weird that way - so often even we christians settle for the worthless when we've already seen what it's like to choose the worthy.
it's not sad really, him being away. having oodles of time with the girls has been a blessing, and besides, there are more difficult things in life coming up. although i pointed out to him that mortgages and kids getting into trouble will be different because we'll be in the same country and hopefully living in the same flat by then, having gotten married. we'll be together. this is a different kind of difficult.
at times i wish we didn't have facebook, msn or email. or snailmail even. then i wouldn't have to keep expecting things, and getting disappointed. i know what i should do, and jon's been incredibly patient and direct (which i'm thankful for, even though it hurts to have your faults pointed out to you). i need to lower my expectations, and not put pressure on myself to come online. because i hate having that pressure, and it makes me hate the fact that we have so many means of communicating even though i should be thankful for them. as in, i have the idea if they weren't there i wouldn't expect so much communication or any communication for that matter.
but there you have it - we are an instantly gratified generation, and i've gotta learn to deal with it God's way. that's the only way i'm ever going to battle the evil forces of the world the bible talks about, taking comfort in the fact that with Jesus we already have the victory. and i will be thankful for all this "adversity" (i have three square meals a day, enough pocket money and public buses to take me to school - water at the turn of the tap and electricity at the flick of a switch. adversity? huh?) because it's just going to bring me closer to God. i have been neglecting Him, really. not turning to Him whenever i'm down which is when i really need it, but finding other things to fill the space that jon's left. when answers aren't enough, when friends, people, msn, silly facebook groups, ANTM isn't enough - there is Jesus. i've forgotten that of late. and then i wonder: is He really everything to me, more precious and more worthy than anything this world has to offer, as i realised a little over two weeks ago? i was sure of it then, and i'm sure of it now. so why am i not living like i am?
what's more, just today, i shared in cell that we COULDN'T desire to choose worthlessness after we'd chosen what was worthy because we'd remember how it felt to choose what was worthy. but i guess we can, and i'm living proof of it right now. it does feel "good" to wallow in self-pity and think about the distance and the bad things instead of how sweet this time of separation is in its own way; how, if we do things God's way, we'll be able to look back on this entire time and laugh about bad internet connections during class (in india), the vegetarian food (jon is a carnivore) and totally random and silly poems written on the spur of the moment.
and i want that. i want to look back and see that i was strong because God wanted me to be so that i could glorify Him and enjoy His love so much more, being alone and without the one person i love the most in the world bar my parents and grandparents. i want to look back and see that i wasn't just self-aware of my own shortcomings but that i recognised in my weakness that if i accepted the sufficiency of His grace His strength would be perfected in me.
i want to look back and be able to say that i fought the fight and finished the race well. there have been too many years of heartache, nights of sleeplessness and tears: i do not want to go back there again, for i have tasted and seen that the Lord is good. it is only my own humanness now that keeps me from surrendering all my fears and worries to Him.
if the facebook group reaches 1253 members i will name my son wah and my daughter, zee. so they can be Wah Lau and Lau Zee respectively. tris suggested Hong - Lau Hong. and rui suggested chek, neng, sar (how do you spell one two three in hokkien) because lau2 is floor/level in hokkien and they'd be first floor second floor third floor depending on the order in which they were born.
No comments:
Post a Comment