i was reading through my j3 journal, and this post is for jon, quen, ian and bryan - and whoever else who will be mentioned below, who still visits my blog. happy ORD, guys. here's to your future, may you all become men of God - ian i bet you don't know what that entails just as much as i don't. but i've realised that it's different for everyone, so no matter.
i wrote this entry on the 24th of april 2005, it was jon's first bmt weekend out and ching had planned a surprise birthday party for him because he wasn't doing too well (who does in bmt, really? i wouldn't know though, i'm a girl. but somewhere else in this journal, just before nus applications opened and bryan decided he was applying to med, i wrote down that he said "i need to confirm my attitude in sispec."). certain names have been withheld to protect the innocent.
saturday night 2352
this is chloe again i think: fundamentally chloe, just older, but perhaps not much wiser. tonight i realised how fruitless my current relationship with ***** is, how i've clung on to an ideal that no longer exists. seeing jon and ching today made my heart ache, because i had a sudden desire to be that kind of girlfriend. and i was, in my own way, self-sacrificing at times, sweet, smiling always, striving for someone else's happiness and not my own - but he just wasn't that kind of guy, even though he couldn't have suited me better, when he was himself.
this isn't really about ***** though, it's about the people who were in the void deck after school studying, especially towards the As. it's about acjc, the class of 2004, the people on for God, the bleacher people, the music people, and those who came with them. i realised today that beneath all that army bravado and incessant army talk lies a bunch of small, scared boys, unsettled and shy, unsure about the future - the 'lucky' ones, those with girlfriends, have that bit more security and something to look forward to in life, which can amount to alot.
but as we wait to face the unknown like the many people before us, we regress, becoming children: seeking adventure, feeling trepidation and excitement, thinking that we can take on the world armed solely with our youth. i saw everyone differently tonight: ching is a wonderful girl, and so is sheryl, actually. caleb, no matter that he's a bit of a jerk, really does love her to bits. some guys just haven't grown up enough, like jon, and josh nair. people like ****** who believe life's a joyride and the world owes them a living. then there're the people like me and ian and bryan and quen. but we're really all average, normal people who make up the bulk of society, muddling along through life; looking for God through the haze of uncertainty, feeling that sense of what, i don't know. loneliness and dissatisfaction? emptiness, like something's missing? and then we realise God is the one who defines us.
strains of lux aeterna; the time of ave verum, of *****, spring dreams, ronde and soleram - they're over now. those mad love days of j1, which i thank God i was able to have as yet - it's a new set of music, a different sort of life, and it ain't gonna be an easy journey. but i'll never walk alone, for God is with me.
i can't describe this feeling. it's loneliness and dissatisfaction, sadness, contentment, peace and contemplative joy all at once.
how carefree we once were, before the burdens of the world started presenting themselves to us. how precious people are, how futile conversations can be. how do we even begin telling people how much they mean to us, because sometimes words aren't enough to encompass all we're feeling? even now, i realise that i still want only one person to put his arm around me in that slightly possesive, slightly proud manner of a loving boyfriend, one person to tuck me in, to message me sweet nothings - and that's the ***** of my j1 days. funny huh? but really, i realised tonight those days are gone forever. memories i will always cherish and treasure, like the lingering scent of hot cocoa on a rainy day, the bittersweetness that comes with reading winnie the pooh and understanding it fully, at the age of eighteen. when you knew the secrets to the world, to life, to the universe; when you heard the songs of the stars, the whispers of the rustling leaves, and could read secret messages into the shadows cast by the moon. when you understood and knew what true love was. like the smell of roses, a breeze lifting your hair on a hot and sweltering day. snuggling under the blankets in a thunderstorm. kisses from chapped lips, arms encircling you and you never wanted them to let go. wanting to face each day, because every sunset held a new beauty and wonder.
how much these things mean to me, more than people, perhaps - maybe i'll live in my imagination until the day i die. silent, not knowing what to say, really - loving people all the same - missing them but not knowing it, until i see them again. e flat major days. you know.
- but we never think about, or refuse to see, the sadness that belies things sometimes. life isn't perfect, and we're only human after all. the way rose petals fold so perfectly.
***
different partners and pink i.c. status aside, how much we've changed since then, guys - or maybe we haven't, really. you think?
i read don't ask me why later that year, finished it on 16th july 2005, and i wrote this when i finished it (it's a bit from the book, mostly):
don't ask me why/it's happy ever after: and ash says, i remembered... how he had talked about asking for a happy ending, that perhaps it was more to ask than we knew. i wondered about that. i wondered how we ever got what we wanted in life, how we even knew what we wanted. i wondered if we could make ourselves a happy ending, if we were brave enough to try.
if you ask me, i do believe we're truly older and wiser now, believe that God has worked in our lives - and He's gonna give us the courage and the wisdom to make our very own happy endings.
i wrote this entry on the 24th of april 2005, it was jon's first bmt weekend out and ching had planned a surprise birthday party for him because he wasn't doing too well (who does in bmt, really? i wouldn't know though, i'm a girl. but somewhere else in this journal, just before nus applications opened and bryan decided he was applying to med, i wrote down that he said "i need to confirm my attitude in sispec."). certain names have been withheld to protect the innocent.
saturday night 2352
this is chloe again i think: fundamentally chloe, just older, but perhaps not much wiser. tonight i realised how fruitless my current relationship with ***** is, how i've clung on to an ideal that no longer exists. seeing jon and ching today made my heart ache, because i had a sudden desire to be that kind of girlfriend. and i was, in my own way, self-sacrificing at times, sweet, smiling always, striving for someone else's happiness and not my own - but he just wasn't that kind of guy, even though he couldn't have suited me better, when he was himself.
this isn't really about ***** though, it's about the people who were in the void deck after school studying, especially towards the As. it's about acjc, the class of 2004, the people on for God, the bleacher people, the music people, and those who came with them. i realised today that beneath all that army bravado and incessant army talk lies a bunch of small, scared boys, unsettled and shy, unsure about the future - the 'lucky' ones, those with girlfriends, have that bit more security and something to look forward to in life, which can amount to alot.
but as we wait to face the unknown like the many people before us, we regress, becoming children: seeking adventure, feeling trepidation and excitement, thinking that we can take on the world armed solely with our youth. i saw everyone differently tonight: ching is a wonderful girl, and so is sheryl, actually. caleb, no matter that he's a bit of a jerk, really does love her to bits. some guys just haven't grown up enough, like jon, and josh nair. people like ****** who believe life's a joyride and the world owes them a living. then there're the people like me and ian and bryan and quen. but we're really all average, normal people who make up the bulk of society, muddling along through life; looking for God through the haze of uncertainty, feeling that sense of what, i don't know. loneliness and dissatisfaction? emptiness, like something's missing? and then we realise God is the one who defines us.
strains of lux aeterna; the time of ave verum, of *****, spring dreams, ronde and soleram - they're over now. those mad love days of j1, which i thank God i was able to have as yet - it's a new set of music, a different sort of life, and it ain't gonna be an easy journey. but i'll never walk alone, for God is with me.
i can't describe this feeling. it's loneliness and dissatisfaction, sadness, contentment, peace and contemplative joy all at once.
how carefree we once were, before the burdens of the world started presenting themselves to us. how precious people are, how futile conversations can be. how do we even begin telling people how much they mean to us, because sometimes words aren't enough to encompass all we're feeling? even now, i realise that i still want only one person to put his arm around me in that slightly possesive, slightly proud manner of a loving boyfriend, one person to tuck me in, to message me sweet nothings - and that's the ***** of my j1 days. funny huh? but really, i realised tonight those days are gone forever. memories i will always cherish and treasure, like the lingering scent of hot cocoa on a rainy day, the bittersweetness that comes with reading winnie the pooh and understanding it fully, at the age of eighteen. when you knew the secrets to the world, to life, to the universe; when you heard the songs of the stars, the whispers of the rustling leaves, and could read secret messages into the shadows cast by the moon. when you understood and knew what true love was. like the smell of roses, a breeze lifting your hair on a hot and sweltering day. snuggling under the blankets in a thunderstorm. kisses from chapped lips, arms encircling you and you never wanted them to let go. wanting to face each day, because every sunset held a new beauty and wonder.
how much these things mean to me, more than people, perhaps - maybe i'll live in my imagination until the day i die. silent, not knowing what to say, really - loving people all the same - missing them but not knowing it, until i see them again. e flat major days. you know.
- but we never think about, or refuse to see, the sadness that belies things sometimes. life isn't perfect, and we're only human after all. the way rose petals fold so perfectly.
***
different partners and pink i.c. status aside, how much we've changed since then, guys - or maybe we haven't, really. you think?
i read don't ask me why later that year, finished it on 16th july 2005, and i wrote this when i finished it (it's a bit from the book, mostly):
don't ask me why/it's happy ever after: and ash says, i remembered... how he had talked about asking for a happy ending, that perhaps it was more to ask than we knew. i wondered about that. i wondered how we ever got what we wanted in life, how we even knew what we wanted. i wondered if we could make ourselves a happy ending, if we were brave enough to try.
if you ask me, i do believe we're truly older and wiser now, believe that God has worked in our lives - and He's gonna give us the courage and the wisdom to make our very own happy endings.
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