Beautiful Day

Four more Wednesday morning spin classes and I'll be back at work full-time. It seems like just yesterday I was at the gym staring at the bottom of the swimming pool right after my no-pay leave was approved, wondering how on earth I was going to survive the many months ahead not being gainfully employed. 

***

It's the last day of August, and it is evident that I haven't felt much like writing the past month. I cooked many things - as I went through a severe spate of boredom at the beginning of August, I decided that we should host a pizza party at our place over the SG50 public holiday. I made oodles of pizza dough and pizza sauce (I used half a teaspoon of ground fennel and crushed canned tomatoes instead of tomato sauce) and while the guys were playing soccer, I expended lots of eye power directing the wives and girlfriends in the rolling out and making of many thin crust pizzas which were devoured with suitable appreciation. I also made a humongous shepherd's pie, macaroni and cheese, and Xinjiang spiced chicken drumlets and mid-joints, in a bid to prevent the guys from ordering the special spicy National Day chicken from KFC. The mix of spices I used can be found here, and I also added some soy sauce to the marinade. You can bake the chicken in a 170C fan-forced oven for about 25-30 minutes. If you're using bigger drumsticks/ chicken parts and making a smaller batch as per the original recipe, you can dredge the chicken parts in cornstarch before sticking them in the oven. Roast them for about 15 minutes on one side, then flip them to the other side and roast for 15 minutes, then flip them back and roast for about 10-15 minutes or until nicely golden brown. 

The beginning of August also saw Jon going for three weeks of reservist. Just before it started, he was confident that he would be able to come home early for dinner every day and that it wouldn't be too taxing a programme. He was dead wrong, and this led to much unhappiness and quarrelling during the first week. To top it all off, FBC was sick that week, finally succumbing fully to whatever he had picked up during the Home Improvement Scheme with EASE ("HISWE", and what an inaccurate name for something which was not easy At All).

The period during which FBC was sick was one of the lowest points of this entire SAHM journey thus far. I was exhausted from having to constantly clean up after the HISWE took place in our flat, and was recovering from whatever virus it subsequently transpired FBC had caught as well, despite my hoping against hope that it wouldn't escalate. 

There is a Thursday which stands out in my memory, it must have been the week after the SG50 public holiday. I'd dropped FBC off at my in-laws', and when I picked him up, was told that he had been as good as gold when he was there, and had eaten all his Heinz baby food without complaint. When we got home, it was as if someone somewhere had turned on a cranky switch, and he refused to nap or be left alone. When it came to dinner time, he refused to eat any of the food I had prepared. It would be apt, for dramatic effect, to say that I had prepared it "painstakingly", but as I had the use of my thermal pot and really, tasty porridge is all a matter of time once you have one of those, I shall not toot my own horn (seeing as I have already done it when describing our SG50 pizza party. Hur hur hur). He spat out whatever I could get into his mouth, which included some bits of spare rib which I later found rolled into a short, thin, grey roll on the living room floor. 

In hindsight, the virus was probably beginning to take hold and FBC had probably just been too distracted at my in-laws' to unleash his unhappiness at being ill. But I didn't know - babies can't bleddy communicate with adults in a way the latter understand, can they?! - and I felt bitter and outraged because I felt like I had done so much for him but he couldn't even behave himself properly at home.

Of course, FBC also woke up about twice that night and was inconsolable. Usually he is quite good and goes right back to sleep if you give him a bottle, and he sleeps through the night unless he is going through some growth or other developmental spurt. 

This did nothing for my mood, and because I still refused to believe that he was falling sick, when he refused to take his mid-morning nap the next day and kept making noise and wanting to be carried, I was so frustrated and angry that I left him in his cot, went to the kitchen, and swore in a loud, angry whisper (can a whisper be loud? Thankfully, I still retained enough of my sanity to exercise some self-restraint). I also declared in the same tone that I hated being a SAHM, ****** this ******. I leave it to you to fill in the asterisks with your choice of swear words (the ones I used don't require six asterisks. FYI). 

After that, repentant, I went back to FBC's room, gave him a hug, asked for his forgiveness, and prayed with him. I asked God to forgive me for losing my cool, and I asked Him for patience and understanding. I told FBC that I was trying very hard to understand him but I just couldn't, unfortunately, and I prayed that even though I didn't know what was wrong with him, that God would comfort him in his distress. And of course, I prayed that FBC would just SLEEP. Which he did. 

FBC only developed a fever a day or two after that episode and a few more nights of wailing and having to be carried and sung to for hours on end. Which was when I realised that I had been terribly unfair to him, and that he had just been sick all that time. But that's looking after a baby, and human nature, for you. What can we do but strive to give it our best, and depend on God's grace when we're spent?  

What this experience taught me was not to take what babies do so personally. Most of the time, they have no idea that certain things they do hurt their primary caregiver (especially if you're their mother), and they are just unable to express that they are feeling uncomfortable and distressed in a language other than Inconsolable Crying (a dialect of Whale and Seal), in actions other than Carry Me Or I Will Continue This Horrible Screeching.

I think it is good that I have reached this understanding, especially since it has enabled me to see other things more rationally, for instance that ALL caregivers should be working together for the good of the child and my unhappiness that FBC sometimes prefers his grandmothers to me (wouldn't you, if you had a mother who left you crying unhappily in your cot while she went to the kitchen to whisper swear?) has no place in this scheme. Also as a parent, my job is not to be liked all the time. Which brings me to the issue of Discipline, and that I will share about when I've thought about it a bit more. 

***

I met B on Saturday, and she asked me what I missed about working life. I said that I missed interacting with adults, but what I missed the most was probably having time to myself and not having to worry about someone else... And as I said it, I realised that I would never not be worrying about someone else ever again. There's a double negative there, so what I mean is that I will always be worrying about FBC, and I miss the feeling of not having him to worry about. 

***

I took the bus home from lunch with R and Z today, and as FBC banged his head against my chest, eyes closing, I looked at our reflection in the plastic panel in front of us and smiled wistfully at myself, already nostalgic for these languid, sunny days where we had the luxury of these long bus rides together. 

Why Do Babies Do THAT?

If I knew, I'd be a millionaire on your money. #(!$#(*@#*&!!!%!^!

SAHM Survival Guide

(No helper, mum-centric edition)

I thought I would compile a list of things I found were essential during these 4 months of paid and 6 plus months of unpaid maternity leave, for your reference in case you were thinking of taking a similar or longer time off with your child (two more months!). I have caveated above that this is mum-centric, so if you are looking for proper activities involving your child, i.e. not of the taking long bus rides and going to the supermarket variety, ask Google again.

1.       Supportive Husband

I have mentioned many times that I have no illusions about marriage, in particular with regard to how helpful husbands are around the house – so what may constitute “support” to me may not be to you. If you have a husband who cooks and does the dishes and cleans the house, good for you!

Jon really did put in his best to help out by washing FBC’s milk bottles and doing the dishes occasionally. While his other efforts at housework sometimes resulted in more work and consequently more nagging from me, I think he deserves an A+ for effort, patience and emotional support. Also for being as chill about being a parent to FBC as I am, and for never denying me sashimi although it’s expensive and I’m not working.

2.       Someone to leave your child with while you do your own thing for a few hours

Much thanks to my mother and my in-laws. I went to the gym mostly, and once to the dentist to get my wisdom tooth removed. Whatever floats your boat. 

3.       Part-time help

No further explanation needed as to why this is essential, although I still do all the laundry and most baby-related things myself, as well as cook. I have done the floors myself in the weeks she couldn’t make it – it is doable, but annoying because babies will insist on trying to get at the vacuum cleaner and when they can’t because you have imprisoned them in their cots, the resulting ruckus is even louder than the vacuum cleaner. Zzzz.

4.       Books

I purchased a Kindle from yoursingaporeimporters.com just before I started my maternity leave, which was about one to two weeks before FBC’s arrival (it was actually medical leave as my gynae decided that I needed to stop being so active due to my amniotic fluid index readings getting progressively lower). You can also purchase Amazon gift cards at a premium from them, which helps with buying books if you’re not big on VPN and anonymous browsing and whatnot.

Because of this, I have read an astonishing number of books in the past year – my Kindle home screen puts the number of items on my Kindle at 89, so taking in to account the fact that I like to download samples of books, as well as some classics Jon downloaded, I would put the total number of books I’ve read at about 40. While this has been useful in keeping my mind active and my grammar from going down the drain, I can’t say that most of what I’ve read has been the most intellectually stimulating. I’m also on a Kindle fast because reading too many books on it has made me unable to properly focus when I’m reading paperbacks, and I’ve got Kate Atkinson’s latest novel, A God In Ruins, and Neil Gaiman’s Neverwhere sitting on my bedside table, both of which I would like to read properly.

Some authors I liked were:

• Elizabeth George – The Inspector Lynley series. Not all of the series is well-written. I picked and chose based on reviews. Also (spoiler alert), Helen dies and I wasn’t interested in reading about Helen dying because I liked her too much. The books I enjoyed included: A Great Deliverance, Well-Schooled In Murder and In The Presence Of The Enemy.
•  Fannie Flagg – I first read Fried Green Tomatoes at The Whistle-Stop Café more than 10 years ago. Her books in general are easy to read, heart-warming and filled with interesting characters. Welcome To The World, Baby Girl! And The All-Girl Filling Station’s Last Reunion are good too.
• Liane Moriarty – I read The Husband’s Secret in paperback on our babymoon. It was okay, and I saw the secret from a mile away. The book of hers which I really enjoyed was What Alice Forgot, which is apparently being made into a movie. Jon says I only enjoyed the book because Alice forgot everything after falling off her bike at a spin class.
• James Herriot – I would consider All Creatures Great And Small, All Things Bright and Beautiful and All Things Wise and Wonderful proper Literature and perhaps best read in paperback. But desperate times call for desperate measures.
• Gary D. Schimidt – Excellent Young Adult Fiction. I read Okay For Now and The Wednesday Wars.
• Ellen Raskin’s The Westing Game (also a young adult book). Creeped me out and kept me awake, but the ending was totally un-creepy and very nice.  

5.       TV

Ah, TV. If you haven’t switched to Starhub, please do so.

Cooking/ food shows

•  Bake With Anna Olson and Fresh With Anna Olson. Anna Olson must be one of the most boring TV cooks ever, but she does have pretty good tips, especially on the former show. Her recipe ideas on the latter aren’t bad either.
• Giada At Home and Everyday Italian. Giada de Laurentiis has a big head and sometimes I wonder if she can really cook, but she is so neat when she cooks, and her gestures are so compact. It’s quite therapeutic watching her, really. Plus her shows are good for gleaning ideas for dinner.
• Gordon Ramsay’s Ultimate Home Cooking. Gordon Ramsay cooking in his own kitchen (I hope it’s his own!), with appearances by his kids. Need I say more?
• The Great British Bake-Off. Season 4 was meh, but I am really enjoying Season 5 (BBC Entertainment is lagging, I know, but what can we do?)
•  Any show Nigella hosts. Because Nigella. Personally I find she uses a lot of fat, e.g. butter and cream in her cooking so I don’t really like her recipes, but. See previous sentence. 

    

     Korean dramas (dramafire.com)

• The Producers – best Korean drama I’ve watched so far this year. Good writing, believable characters and plot. And Cha Tae Hyun,
• The Time We Were Not In Love. Because Ha Ji Won (!!!!). I know this show has its fair share of detractors, but it’s not over yet and so far I am enjoying the story because Ha Ji Won and Lee Jin Wook are doing a great job portraying characters who are REAL and NORMAL.
• Cheongdamdong Scandal. Couldn’t commit to it, but because it was SO long, every time I needed something to watch when I was doing a bit of ironing or feeling lonely whilst cooking dinner, it would be showing when I turned on the TV to Channel 820 for a good 2 months or so. It’s not half bad, and based on what I’ve read online, it is particularly satisfying watching the evil mother-in-law’s comeuppance. You could consider watching it if you are really bored.

***

I'm probably giving SAHMs a bad name (too free, becoming auntie, etc.), but hey, we all deal with staying at home in our own ways. 

As to activities with FBC, besides lots of singing and peek-a-boo-ing, I have taken many bus rides and walks with him to meet friends for lunch and to the supermarket, and we have enjoyed them all. I will miss the feeling of having him close to me, small and snug, exploring the world from his carrier. It is these moments I treasure the most of all, and I hope he does too, even if all he remembers of these times is the feeling of being loved and cherished, and security in a world he is only just coming to know.  

True Believer

FBC has just expressed his displeasure at The Economist's view that euthanasia should be legalised by ripping the cover and front page of that particular issue of said magazine into shreds and leaving the draft from the ceiling fan to scatter them around the living room.

Jon finds this behaviour endearing, and speaks fondly of FBC "nesting". I find it a nuisance, which should be unsurprising to you because guess who has to clean up FBC's "nests"? 

***

P asked me at dinner last night whether I she3 de2 go back to work (do excuse the ungrammaticalness of that last phrase and word, there is sometimes no better way to put things). I answered with a resounding YES. When he said that his wife felt sad leaving their 7-month old and returning to work, I told him that maybe she should have taken two more months off, because I have found for myself that the marginal utility of being a SAHM* reaches zero around the ninth month (just about equal to the period of gestation!); beyond that, the law of diminishing returns sets in.

*I refer, in this regard, to the pleasure the SAHM derives from being a SAHM.

This article had its day of shares on Facebook recently, which led to a friend pointing out (and I may be paraphrasing her response a bit too simplistically) that most mothers in this day and age, especially in Singapore, have a choice as to whether to stay at home to look after the kids or go back to work, so perhaps SAHMs should complain a little less about being un/ under-appreciated. After all, it was YOUR CHOICE. While I agreed in general with her point (and "Liked" her Facebook post on this to indicate my agreement, hardee-ha-ha), I did caveat that it would be nice to be shown some appreciation now and then. True appreciation, which to me would take the form of rinsing beer bottles after you're done and taking them downstairs to be recycled, or doing the dishes without being asked after meals, for instance. 

Then again, that's life for you - marriage and raising a child was never going to be a bed of roses; it may sound tragic but I have ren4 ming4, i.e. resigned myself to my fate, and can finally start counting down the days (weeks! Two-and-a-half months!) before I return to work (it wouldn't have made sense to countdown before now, there were just too many days). 

Was choosing the SAHM path, even if it's only until FBC turns one, a good choice for me? After ten months of ups and downs I honestly don't know, but I do think it was probably the best choice for our family at the time, and therefore the best choice for me ("best" being different from "good"). And while I haven't gone batsh*t crazy from being a SAHM (yet! And hopefully when the law of diminishing SAHM returns dictates that it's time to begin my descent into batsh*t crazydom, it will be time for me to return to work), I have learnt in these 10 plus months or so that temperamentally, I am definitely not suited to SAHM life. I think I could do it long-term if push came to shove and I didn't have a choice, but firstly I don't think I believe enough in the modern SAHM model to be one (point one of the Huffington Post article sums this up very well). As I'm typing this, FBC is standing in his cot dropping his empty milk bottle to the ground and bouncing up and down making noises for me to pick it up so he can repeat it. And if you follow my Facebook and Instagram feeds, I'm always thinking about what to cook for dinner, proceeding to cook dinner even if it means leaving FBC unattended to "nest" in the living room, or watching Korean dramas - sometimes with FBC. Which is a big No-no.

Or maybe, and I know this is what people may secretly think, I am just lazy, selfish, and unwilling to make sacrifices so that my child can have the best. To my credit, though, when FBC chuckled loudly when L put his arm around Ha Ji Won in episode two (three?) of The Time We Were Not In Love on the pretext of reaching for her mouse to help her find something on her computer, I immediately turned off my laptop in horror, told him that he must not do such things to girls next time, and persisted with singing him to sleep*.

*Which takes anything from 15-20 minutes. Sometimes I just lie down next to him and sing both of us to sleep. I must've sung Be Thou My Vision, and all four verses at that, about a hundred times in the past 10 months. Coming in a close second is probably My Beloved Is Mine, And I Am His.

People say over and over again that you should bring up your children in the best way for your family and beliefs - and then proceed to give you all sorts of unsolicited advice about what is the best way, usually based on what they believe in. Sometimes, of course, being suckers for pain and perfection, we solicit advice ourselves, usually from parenting articles with clickbait titles. No matter how lax I may seem about things, in the long run, the pressure I would put on myself to be someone I'm not would probably be unhealthy for the family, especially my relationship with Jon.

Also, nice as it is to see your child's smile first thing in the morning and witness his "achievements", the latest being discovering that he can climb onto the sofa and coffee table unassisted (not sure how I feel about this, but so long as FBC can clamber back down in a civilised manner, I suppose it's still okay to leave him unattended?*), there is, for me, a limit to the pleasure such things bring. 

*Just to clarify, I am being tongue-in-cheek. I'm not sure there are many mothers out there, including my own, who appreciate my sense of humour in this regard.

I hope, when I go back to work, that I will continue growing and maturing as a person and as a Christian, so that I will be able to show FBC (and our subsequent child(ren)) what it means to be a mature, God-fearing person. And I hope and pray that I will be able to be there for him/ them whenever they need a listening ear, a hug, or just someone to watch TV or a movie with.

***

FBC fell out of his Ikea high chair recently because I neglected to buckle him in and he managed to stand up and then decided that it would be interesting to explore the kitchen floor, which he is usually not allowed to crawl on. My first thought was Wah lau, so mafan. Need to go hospital anot? After he'd stopped bawling and gotten over the initial shock, I rang a doctor friend who told me to just monitor him for signs of lethargy (ugh, first time ever that I was worried he was napping) and/ or vomiting. After ringing said doctor friend, I decided to ask Google what other parents did when their kids fell off high chairs, and came across a blog post where a mum said she cried her eyes out because she felt so bad when her 10/11-month old rolled off his Ikea changing table (only slightly higher than the Ikea high chair). You can imagine how bad that made me feel. 

I am sharing this in case some other mother has like me asked Google the same thing, and if you are that other mother and Google directed you to my blog, the fact that your child fell from his/ her high chair/ changing table/ wherever and/ or the fact that you don't feel flustered, just an overwhelming sense of troublesomeness, doesn't make you a bad or uncaring mother. That being said, every fall is different, and I think FBC actually landed on his side first. So please, get your kid to A&E if you can see that something is really wrong.  

***

FBC has, in the time I've taken to write this, managed to drag an entire pack of Stage 4 Pampers from underneath his changing table and to the living room (amongst other monkey-like 10-month old behaviour). I leave you now to clear up another nest, and will hopefully be back in this space soon to share some things I've cooked lately.