This week would probably have been the week I started work if I hadn't extended my maternity leave.
My day looked something like this:
8am: Wake up, feed baby, go back to sleep (me, not FBC. He stayed awake amusing himself in his cot, thankfully).
9.50am: Wake up, decide that I HAVE to do the yoga video I'd planned on doing because I don't have the luxury of going for yoga classes on Monday anymore (and besides, that's something I want to blog about!). Change into sports bra.
10.10am: Realise that if I start the yoga video, it may eat into FBC's next feeding time. Decide to do a load of laundry, then turn on computer for good measure. Realise that computer is in the midst of updating and am not sure how long it will take, so decide to wash and sterilise milk bottles.
11.05am: Feed FBC.
11.25am: Put FBC down in cot, as he has dropped off to sleep right after feeding (good boy).
11.30am: Start yoga video.
11.40am: Answer door - it is the Home Improvement Scheme people, asking me why I haven't voted yet. Make small talk. Assure them I will vote after lunch. They thank me and apologise for interrupting my morning.
11.45am: Resume yoga video.
12.35pm: Finish yoga video. Famished, so eat leftovers for lunch. Proceed to hang clothes out to dry after lunch.
1.05pm: Shower. In the middle of shower, hear FBC yelling his little lungs out. Shout back MUMMY IS IN THE SHOWER AND WILL COME SOON! Not sure if he hears or understands, but continue with shower anyway. Feel a bit like a bad mother.
1.15pm: Finish shower, check on FBC. He won't stop crying after being carried, so I deduce that he is hungry.
1.20pm: Feed FBC.
1.40pm: Exhausted from yoga video, so put FBC into cot and lie down on my bed. Drop off to sleep.
2.10pm or so: Unable to ignore complaining from FBC's cot, as it has progressively increased in volume. Yell BABY MUMMY IS HERE CAN YOU LET MUMMY SLEEP PLEASE. Five minutes later, it becomes clear to me that despite my thinking that my child is a genius, he does not understand what I am saying.
2.15pm: As am really unable to drown out the sounds of FBC's plaintive yells, mercilessly wrench myself from my bed and wheel FBC's cot into our bedroom. Fall back down on my bed and tell him, Okay baby you can only sleep in mummy and daddy's room because it's the afternoon. Tonight cannot ah. FBC is momentarily silent, pleased that his calls for attention have not gone unheeded.
From 2.15pm-3.05pm I drift in and out of sleep, intermittently waking up, mumbling and cooing at FBC and sticking his pacifier back into his mouth (which he keeps spitting out).
At 3.05pm, I decide that trying to have a nap is fruitless, so I wake up, wheel FBC's cot back to his room, and tell him we are going to the polling station to cast our vote in respect of the Home Improvement Scheme. He notes that I am putting a romper on him, and that I have retrieved the carrier from the kitchen. He smiles beatifically, pleased as punch.
We finally head out at 3.15pm, and after following some "helpful" signs, one of which was stuck to a dustbin and had an arrow pointing straight to the carpark, we find the polling station. I was initially adamant about voting against the scheme because we didn't want our bathroom tiles hacked and kitchen cabinets damaged when they replaced the pipes, but was assured by the HDB officer that we could opt out of that, so could I please vote in favour of the scheme, we really need your support ah, and yah I understand you have a baby, it's really okay don't worry.
I vote in favour of the scheme, because I am not in favour of hearing anymore spiel.
When I go to opt out of certain aspects of the scheme, the girl at the counter says that FBC is so quiet and well-behaved! I give her a wry smile. She then tells me that my kitchen cabinets may be affected. I feel slightly upset with the first HDB officer. How can you con a woman with a baby?!?!
I go back to he who told me I could opt out of the works to the pipes to confirm that I really can opt out, and he says, "Never leak right? Then opt out lah. I also opted out in my own estate. I assure you, we will not impose a scheme that will make people unhappy because of the damage it will cause to their S$10,000 renovations".
My last snarky comment? Yah, because elections are coming right?
I buy a packet of teh-o siu dai bing after our voting experience, and head home. FBC has fallen asleep at this point, and wakes up with a startled cry when I transfer him to his cot. I stick his pacifier in his mouth and he falls asleep, and here I am typing this account of my day.
***
You can't have your cake and eat it too. You want money, status, a great CV, then you've gotta slug it out and make sacrifices in respect of your personal life. I learnt that early enough in my career. But what happens when you've given up those things, and realise after having a child that it still may not be enough? That the nature of some jobs are just more demanding than others, and it's not enough to make it clear that you are contented not being promoted along with your peers, earning less, all so you can have some semblance of time to yourself AND make it home to see your child at a reasonable hour?
I've been toying with the idea of switching industries completely, but am feeling apprehensive - no, make that just plain scared. I didn't give much thought back then to where I would apply to after leaving practice, and now that I have time to myself to think about my current job, I find myself less and less enthralled with the legal industry in general. But it's all I've ever known and I feel that I'm a pretty decent lawyer. What will it be like, starting from ground zero? Getting to know a new office-ful of people all over again? Will it really be better?
One of the things which worries me about going back to work is that FBC won't be close to me. Hah, say the more experienced mothers (including mine), you just wait until he is sick, and doesn't want anyone else but mummy to comfort him. It's true though. I have memories of my mother's soothing hand rubbing calamine lotion over my chicken pox spots when I was five or six, numerous memories of her coming into my room and placing a cooling hand on my forehead to check on my temperature throughout my childhood (and beyond!), and once, I must have been eight or nine, when I threw up in the middle of the night and she woke up, changed the sheets, gave me a warm bath and hot water to drink. (My father was the one I turned to when I went through my scared of the dark phase, I would run to their bedroom and force him to come sleep on the roll out bed in my room.)
I think, no matter who cares for our children while we're at work, they will always be close to us if we love them the best we can (my insecurity whispers, what if it's not enough? But that's a story for another day).
***
So, on to the yoga video I tried, linked here. The only reason I am doing yoga is because my limbs are terribly stiff post-partum and my core isn't what it used to be (I believe a strong core is essential to long distance running). I did do some fairly long runs by myself (9+ to 10km or so) uneventfully two months post-partum and some shorter 5km or so runs with the jogging stroller, because I'd suspended my gym membership for two months to force myself to take a break from exercising - obviously that didn't work so well - but decided to give running a rest for a bit when I started gymming again 3 months post-partum. So I've been doing RPM twice a week, yoga/ Body Balance once a week, and swimming if we have time and I'm not too tired. My mother starts BSF soon though, so like I said, I don't have the luxury of going for yoga/ Body Balance at the gym on Mondays anymore.
In preparation for doing yoga at home, I invested in a Manduka LiveOn yoga mat. I felt like an absolute poser fraud when I purchased it, this cheapest of the atas yoga mats available (S$86 from Touch The Toes), but I felt the difference today. (Jon made a lot of fun of said mat, when I read him the eco-friendly you are doing your part to save the earth spiel printed on its label.On my part, I can't believe I just said that "I felt the difference". But that is the truth.)
I won't lie - I only did 45 minutes of the hour long video, because that's when the prelude to inversions started, and the first 30 minutes or so of the video were enough to leave me exhausted (see above). It's fairly easy to follow if you have some yoga experience, because then you can ownself take the options for the advanced poses (which I definitely did). I enjoyed the core work-out bits in the first thirty minutes. There's a dull ache in my pelvic bone when I do side planks (a lot better than before though), so am taking it easy on that front (you can, too! Just put one knee down when it becomes too much to handle).
I will be trying different levels of yoga videos and will share about them here - I did try the one which Gladys Chung tried out and wrote about in Urban, linked here, and completed it. This one is a lot easier.
One of my goals for this year is to progress to inversions (just a forearm headstand is enough for me!), but we'll see how that goes given that the person who is going to help me with that is Mr I Was A Pole Vaulter Father of FBC.
I am still aching, but we have a dinner appointment so I am going to get us ready. Ugh.
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