tuesday, on the bus home, yalan and i were talking about where idealism leads us. she thought it led, ultimately, to naivete. i disagreed and said it could lead you either to naivete, or to awareness. there were two ends, i said. because i don't think i'm any less idealistic now than i was before - maybe about different things? - but i definitely don't think i'm as naive.
however, perhaps that was just my pride talking. a part of me hates to think that i'm naive in any way, because it smacks, somehow, of broken hearts and people. and that part of me wants to tell the world that i am Grown Up and Mature and Over All That. but i did check the roget's thesaurus for idealistic and naive and the two most telling words i got were perfectionism and innocence respectively. and i have to say that perhaps she was right, after all. maybe idealism can only lead to naivete.
take christianity for instance. if we were always seeking God's perfection, i believe it would ultimately lead to innocence. not innocence in the sense of being guileless, but an innocence of evil. and it would be a choice we made for that innocence, which wouldn't be any less than being aware. perhaps it's not so much that idealism leads to awareness as it is that being aware pushes itself into our lives as we grow older, and we can choose whether to give up our ideals or continue living as inerudite and ignorant of the ways of our generation. or choose to pursue those ideals, if they're worth pursuing.
there's only one ideal really worth pursuing lah, i think. to go on believing that one day we'll see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living (psalm 27:13).
***
God has taught me many things over the past few weeks, particularly during the time when i couldn't sms jon at all because i was in malaysia. it was awful not being able to communicate with him - still, i was always assured that although it was a terrible struggle, it would be okay in the end, and He had His reasons for bringing us through this.
one of the passages for this year's watchnight service sermon was 2 corinthians 12:7-10, and paul writes:
"So to keep me from being too elated by the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, 'My
grace is sufficient for you, for my power (some translations have it 'strength') is made perfect in (some versions insert 'your' here) weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
the being "elated" which paul wrote of wasn't spiritual conceit. it comes from a greek word meaning something like "super-hyper," which i believe would be something like being on an extreme spiritual high, and wanting to spend all your time in God's presence. which would happen if you allowed Him to allow you to experience His love. i think i kinda know how it feels, and there is nothing like it.
yet, although i'm sure God desires this for us, i.e. to worship Him and experience Him, if we were always on cloud 9 we would be of no earthly use. sure, christians are called to be overflowing with the Holy Spirit and to be joyful. but there is so much left to be done on earth, so many people to love and tell about Jesus. if we were always in our own world, literally, no one would think very much of our God, would they? they'd just think we were high on LSD or something. or perpetually suppressing our feelings. what's more we are fallen creatures, human to the last - it would be impossible, even if we desired it, to always be on an extreme spiritual high. because we're bent to sinning, and God hates sin. therefore He cannot dwell in us fully until Jesus' work on the cross is perfected when He comes again.
which is the entire point of being a christian, really. i think it's the only religion which recognises humanity for what it is, and does not fault it for its weaknesses and fragility. paul writes again:
". . . though He (Jesus) was in the form of God, (He) did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." Philippians 2:6-8.
and further,
"For it was fitting that He, for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons to glory, should make the founder of their salvation perfect through suffering. For He who sanctifies and those who are sanctified all have one origin. That is why He is not ashamed to call them brothers. . . Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, He Himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death He might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery. For surely it is not angels that He helps, but He helps the offspring of Abraham. Therefore He had to be made like His brothers in every respect, so that He might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. For because He Himself has suffered when tempted, He is able to help those who are being tempted." Hebrews 2:10-11, 14-18.
just like how Jesus was God in human form, and how He thus assures us that He understands all our sufferings, so christians HAVE to suffer, to grow and thus learn to depend on God. one of the less idealistic books by l.m. montgomery is a tangled web, and she writes of gay, a few months after she's been jilted by her ex-fiance:
"no longer an isolated, selfish unit, she had become one with her kind. she had realised what some one had called 'the infinite sadness of living.' the realisation had made a woman of her."
"If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferigs that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort." 2 Corinthians 1:6-7.
it's not only about going to church and reading your bible everyday. i think being a christian's more about being with your friends and loving them and standing up for them and accepting them no matter what, than it is about anything else. because Jesus loves them, and we were meant to live for so much more. i suppose there's no better way of letting others know that He does put an end to all suffering, than to be living examples of His strength made perfect in every human weakness. it is so comforting to know that He's in control of everything.
that's why i've decided, as part of the believing i said i would do in 2008, to let go of some of my ideals. it's not as painful as i thought it would be, but then i think i am going to be thrown into the Real, Real World (university life only holds one Real, my friends) soon and there's nothing i can do about it. there aren't time turners this side of the universe, the last time i checked. and if i'm going to be able to survive it, without being bogged down by the past - there will be so many more things in the present and future to deal with - then i'll have to. and as i'm thinking about it, i don't think there's anything wrong with it at all. especially since they were ideals which prevented me from really, truly believing in. . . the truth. which is that there is a Godly purpose and reason for all suffering, and i should accept that i/we/all of us had to go through it in order to Grow Up.
as i've said before, that's Life for you. it really is a lot about pride on my part. it makes one feel rather foolish and silly for having to admit that one's parents (alright, one's mother) were right. to admit that age and experience do bring wisdom, and to admit that we do, we have to, and we should learn from our mistakes. because we never want to admit that certain things were mistakes, and mistakes by virtue of the fact that we were too young.
***
i went back to ac yesterday - unfortunately we couldn't find lukas or neil, bryan's brother - and my mother asked me later on in the day if i would relive my jc days, just lived them differently if i had the chance to. and i told her i wouldn't. i've never quite wished to, really. i've learnt many things the hard way, and i'm glad i'm over and done with learning those things - i hope. there's so much more to learn about Life and i'm glad i don't have to spend time on those lessons now.
thank you bryan for being part of the reason why i wouldn't want to relive jc any other way.
my arms look fatter than they do now here right, or maybe it's just the light hurhur.
YOU certainly look skinnier here.
and this is a secret that's not going to be a secret any longer,
i'm sure you'll make a good doctor lah.
despite what everybody says about avoiding you like the plague whenever they're sick -
just so long as you go on doing your best.
but oh, have i been bitter and grudging about having to admit to being young and idealistic and, yes, naive. now that prevents us from truly applying the lessons we've learnt though. it's also kinda like denying that i believe that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to His purpose. they have worked together for good, just as jon's past has, and both our pasts have shown themselves to be working together for our good.
broken hearts, broken dreams, forsooth! we have to live and learn, there's no two ways about it. the sooner i stop having mopey moments wondering why Life isn't quite like storybooks where people are childhood sweethearts and made for each other blah blah blah, the better. it may have been possible before, when one's world was smaller and things, seemingly more innocent. that brought with it its own set of problems to deal with, of course. but i'm part of this generation, and i've finally found the Greatest Love of All. which, if i put away my pride and believe in all that He has promised, is as good as any love story written by l.m. montgomery. better, in fact, because i'm living it. it's just about accepting that every dog has to have its day before it can truly know that it's making the right decision when it finally decides to come home to rest by the fire.
so, no deal, ideals. i can't see it, but i believe that whatever God's offering is far more worthy. i don't think He wants me to go home with less than what He has promised, either.
***
i sat at the coffeeshop near my house with shannon yesterday, placidly eating the slices of lemon - skin and all - which came in my lemon drink, while shannon just sat there stoning into space. i was quite surprised that he didn't make some comment about me eating lemon slices, but he then proceeded to take the cup and eat one of them himself. which led to the sharing of the confidence that we both enjoy lemons, as well as the white part of watermelons, between the red flesh and the green outer layer.
however, perhaps that was just my pride talking. a part of me hates to think that i'm naive in any way, because it smacks, somehow, of broken hearts and people. and that part of me wants to tell the world that i am Grown Up and Mature and Over All That. but i did check the roget's thesaurus for idealistic and naive and the two most telling words i got were perfectionism and innocence respectively. and i have to say that perhaps she was right, after all. maybe idealism can only lead to naivete.
take christianity for instance. if we were always seeking God's perfection, i believe it would ultimately lead to innocence. not innocence in the sense of being guileless, but an innocence of evil. and it would be a choice we made for that innocence, which wouldn't be any less than being aware. perhaps it's not so much that idealism leads to awareness as it is that being aware pushes itself into our lives as we grow older, and we can choose whether to give up our ideals or continue living as inerudite and ignorant of the ways of our generation. or choose to pursue those ideals, if they're worth pursuing.
there's only one ideal really worth pursuing lah, i think. to go on believing that one day we'll see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living (psalm 27:13).
***
God has taught me many things over the past few weeks, particularly during the time when i couldn't sms jon at all because i was in malaysia. it was awful not being able to communicate with him - still, i was always assured that although it was a terrible struggle, it would be okay in the end, and He had His reasons for bringing us through this.
one of the passages for this year's watchnight service sermon was 2 corinthians 12:7-10, and paul writes:
"So to keep me from being too elated by the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, 'My
grace is sufficient for you, for my power (some translations have it 'strength') is made perfect in (some versions insert 'your' here) weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
the being "elated" which paul wrote of wasn't spiritual conceit. it comes from a greek word meaning something like "super-hyper," which i believe would be something like being on an extreme spiritual high, and wanting to spend all your time in God's presence. which would happen if you allowed Him to allow you to experience His love. i think i kinda know how it feels, and there is nothing like it.
yet, although i'm sure God desires this for us, i.e. to worship Him and experience Him, if we were always on cloud 9 we would be of no earthly use. sure, christians are called to be overflowing with the Holy Spirit and to be joyful. but there is so much left to be done on earth, so many people to love and tell about Jesus. if we were always in our own world, literally, no one would think very much of our God, would they? they'd just think we were high on LSD or something. or perpetually suppressing our feelings. what's more we are fallen creatures, human to the last - it would be impossible, even if we desired it, to always be on an extreme spiritual high. because we're bent to sinning, and God hates sin. therefore He cannot dwell in us fully until Jesus' work on the cross is perfected when He comes again.
which is the entire point of being a christian, really. i think it's the only religion which recognises humanity for what it is, and does not fault it for its weaknesses and fragility. paul writes again:
". . . though He (Jesus) was in the form of God, (He) did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." Philippians 2:6-8.
and further,
"For it was fitting that He, for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons to glory, should make the founder of their salvation perfect through suffering. For He who sanctifies and those who are sanctified all have one origin. That is why He is not ashamed to call them brothers. . . Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, He Himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death He might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery. For surely it is not angels that He helps, but He helps the offspring of Abraham. Therefore He had to be made like His brothers in every respect, so that He might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. For because He Himself has suffered when tempted, He is able to help those who are being tempted." Hebrews 2:10-11, 14-18.
just like how Jesus was God in human form, and how He thus assures us that He understands all our sufferings, so christians HAVE to suffer, to grow and thus learn to depend on God. one of the less idealistic books by l.m. montgomery is a tangled web, and she writes of gay, a few months after she's been jilted by her ex-fiance:
"no longer an isolated, selfish unit, she had become one with her kind. she had realised what some one had called 'the infinite sadness of living.' the realisation had made a woman of her."
"If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferigs that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort." 2 Corinthians 1:6-7.
it's not only about going to church and reading your bible everyday. i think being a christian's more about being with your friends and loving them and standing up for them and accepting them no matter what, than it is about anything else. because Jesus loves them, and we were meant to live for so much more. i suppose there's no better way of letting others know that He does put an end to all suffering, than to be living examples of His strength made perfect in every human weakness. it is so comforting to know that He's in control of everything.
that's why i've decided, as part of the believing i said i would do in 2008, to let go of some of my ideals. it's not as painful as i thought it would be, but then i think i am going to be thrown into the Real, Real World (university life only holds one Real, my friends) soon and there's nothing i can do about it. there aren't time turners this side of the universe, the last time i checked. and if i'm going to be able to survive it, without being bogged down by the past - there will be so many more things in the present and future to deal with - then i'll have to. and as i'm thinking about it, i don't think there's anything wrong with it at all. especially since they were ideals which prevented me from really, truly believing in. . . the truth. which is that there is a Godly purpose and reason for all suffering, and i should accept that i/we/all of us had to go through it in order to Grow Up.
as i've said before, that's Life for you. it really is a lot about pride on my part. it makes one feel rather foolish and silly for having to admit that one's parents (alright, one's mother) were right. to admit that age and experience do bring wisdom, and to admit that we do, we have to, and we should learn from our mistakes. because we never want to admit that certain things were mistakes, and mistakes by virtue of the fact that we were too young.
***
i went back to ac yesterday - unfortunately we couldn't find lukas or neil, bryan's brother - and my mother asked me later on in the day if i would relive my jc days, just lived them differently if i had the chance to. and i told her i wouldn't. i've never quite wished to, really. i've learnt many things the hard way, and i'm glad i'm over and done with learning those things - i hope. there's so much more to learn about Life and i'm glad i don't have to spend time on those lessons now.
thank you bryan for being part of the reason why i wouldn't want to relive jc any other way.my arms look fatter than they do now here right, or maybe it's just the light hurhur.
YOU certainly look skinnier here.
and this is a secret that's not going to be a secret any longer,
i'm sure you'll make a good doctor lah.
despite what everybody says about avoiding you like the plague whenever they're sick -
just so long as you go on doing your best.
but oh, have i been bitter and grudging about having to admit to being young and idealistic and, yes, naive. now that prevents us from truly applying the lessons we've learnt though. it's also kinda like denying that i believe that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to His purpose. they have worked together for good, just as jon's past has, and both our pasts have shown themselves to be working together for our good.
broken hearts, broken dreams, forsooth! we have to live and learn, there's no two ways about it. the sooner i stop having mopey moments wondering why Life isn't quite like storybooks where people are childhood sweethearts and made for each other blah blah blah, the better. it may have been possible before, when one's world was smaller and things, seemingly more innocent. that brought with it its own set of problems to deal with, of course. but i'm part of this generation, and i've finally found the Greatest Love of All. which, if i put away my pride and believe in all that He has promised, is as good as any love story written by l.m. montgomery. better, in fact, because i'm living it. it's just about accepting that every dog has to have its day before it can truly know that it's making the right decision when it finally decides to come home to rest by the fire.
so, no deal, ideals. i can't see it, but i believe that whatever God's offering is far more worthy. i don't think He wants me to go home with less than what He has promised, either.
***
i sat at the coffeeshop near my house with shannon yesterday, placidly eating the slices of lemon - skin and all - which came in my lemon drink, while shannon just sat there stoning into space. i was quite surprised that he didn't make some comment about me eating lemon slices, but he then proceeded to take the cup and eat one of them himself. which led to the sharing of the confidence that we both enjoy lemons, as well as the white part of watermelons, between the red flesh and the green outer layer.
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