lemon squares

martha stewart's peons made these on an episode of everyday food which aired in singapore a while back, and when i saw the amount of sugar (1 cup granulated for the tops and 1/3 cup confectioners' for the crust) and lemon juice (2/3 cup) i immediately thought of abi.

also, i seem to make very good buys when i go shopping with adele:


WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA?

i've only been taking photos of my more recent (and prettier) purchases so i can show them to jon.

last night at choxxx's birthday (yes, he's choXXX triple X yo!) dinner someone asked me if i was counting down the days until jon and i will see each other again, so i decided to let someTHING which is more mathematically inclined do it for me.

of course, i hope to come back earlier. but as it is, my semester in beijing officially ends on the 14th.

i really hope i don't freeze to death from the cold or choke to death on the smog.

boot camp-like, my mother says.

after all, you're my wonderwall

but i think God knew what He was doing when He made men and women different, and different in this way and many other ways.

the africans are still starving
today i bought insurance for my stay in beijing from dexter.

yup, dexter, who celebrated his 21st birthday a year before i celebrated mine.

okay, it's not a big deal, BUT STILL!

this is the kind of thing you hear about when you're younger but never quite expected. not that i never expected not to buy these things from my friends, but you don't think really think about it until it actually happens.

starving africans were something we talked about often when we were in secondary school.

perfect!
as skilled as mama!

thanks to quents who introduced it to me, and thanks to lukas who abandoned his DS-Lite in favour of a PSP, i have now found a new love: COOKING MAMA!

try it, you'll be hooked too.

i don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love

'now a new oil furnace costs at least two hundred dollars,' continued father. 'i don't pay much more than that in rent every summer for the valley house. this house we own; it's ours. but though there's no rent there is a mortgage and there are taxes. in addition to that it needs new wallpaper, the roof has to be fixed, and the third-floor stairway has to be repaired before it goes down like a stack of dominoes. all that costs money, and an authority on economics always seems to be just as poor or a little poorer than other people. it's going to be rather a struggle. what i'm trying to tell you is this: we'll have to forget about the valley this summer. i hate telling you you'll have to stay in the hot city, but i don't know what else to do. maybe a couple of weeks at the shore in august. that's the most i can promise.'

there was an appalled silence.

'well,' said mona at last, 'other people do it. i guess we can if they can.'

'we have the yard,' added rush. 'and the roof.'

'and there's central park,' said randy. 'and the tops of buses, and the hose. we can cool off in the hose.'

'oh, boy!' cried oliver. 'that's what i like! cooling off in the hose.'

'well, you're good kids,' father said. 'there never were any better ones. cleaner, maybe, or quieter, but never any better.'

'and another thing,' randy said. 'i'm president of the i.s.a.a.c. (independent saturday afternoon adventure club), so it's all right for me to suggest it. we don't really need as much allowance as you give us. why, i bet we could get along fine on a quarter apiece, couldn't we, kids? except oliver of course...'

'i can get along on a nickel,' interrupted oliver stoutly.

'after all money isn't everything,' said randy, rather proud of herself, as if she had made a remarkable discovery.

'you're good kids,' repeated father. he didn't seem to be able to think of anything else to say.

'then there's the Pig If Necessary,' offered rush.

'the what?' father looked startled.

'the pig bank in the Office,' rush explained. 'it's got about a dollar and ninety-six cents in it. maybe more by now. it's not much, of course, but if you could use it...'

'oh. oh, thanks, rush,' father said. 'but i don't think i'm reduced to that just yet. you keep it in case of emergency.'

the first few days were fine; they all felt self-sacrificing and practised economy with zeal. every unnecessary light was turned off. the telephone was hardly ever used. they took all the empty ginger ale bottles back to the grocery, and went by the Good Humour man with their faces averted.

but by thursday it became very hot. the alianthus trees were in profuse full leaf. through the open windows of the house drifted the myriad noises of other people's living: radios quacking away, typewriter keys pecking, dishes clashing together in sinks, voices talking, pianos being played, and a woman singer who practised scales dutifully hour after hour, day after day.

'you know, ran,' mona confided that day after school. 'i keep thinking of the valley. last night i dreamed about it. do you remember the bobwhites? they say "bob" and then take a deep breath and say "white" afterwards.'

'i know,' said randy. 'and the mourning doves. the way they sound so far away even if they're right in the tree above you. i love mourning doves, the whole summer in the valley always sounded of them.'

up in the Office, rush was playing the piano. he started to thunder through the revolutionary etude as usual and then stopped.

'nuts!' he exclaimed. something had happened to a note in the middle register: it plinked like a guitar and ruined the whole effect. there was a pretty good piano in the valley house. 'oh, nuts, oh, nuts,' repeated rush unhappily, and closed the lid. and besides the piano there was a tennis court at the valley, and a damned up pool in the brook where they swam. the water was dark and tingling and cold; randy said it was like swimming in iced root beer. and besides that there was the treehouse rush had built in the beech tree, where no one else could come unless invited. there was the carpentry shop in the garage. there were the sayles kids on the next farm who had a hayloft as big as a hotel ballroom, and horses to ride on, a mother who made the kind of pie you think of when you say the word 'pie.'

from saturday seven of the saturdays, by elizabeth enright

***

jon seems to have a thing for ice-cream analogies. personally, i'm pretty fond of them too.

leaning on the everlasting arms

i didn't quite plan to type this post now - it's almost 3 a.m., and i have plans to start spring cleaning when i wake up, so my room will be neat and in order when i leave for beijing. but i can't sleep. and maybe, some 6 or 7 bus stops away, quents isn't sleeping too. though i highly doubt it, because he has school in a couple of hours' time. besides, he went for the wake twice. can these things get to you twice?

i'm not sure whether it was the wake, or because i had a nap in the afternoon, but i'm finding it rather difficult to find sleep tonight. this morning, rather.

i think, once you get to a certain age, and someone you know commits suicide, it's no longer so much a question of why as it is a question of was there anything at all i could have done? after all, death's one of life's certainties, and i think we end up getting used to the idea of people dying. not that we don't feel grief or a sense of loss, but you get to the stage where you realise that the world doesn't stop for anyone. you could hear that someone you know committed suicide, and you could go right on into the kitchen and prepare dinner because you know there are hungry people coming home and they expect a hot meal. that's just the way it is.

all the hymns we sang last night took on a strange, new meaning.

what have i to dread, what have i to fear,
leaning on the everlasting arms;
i have blessed peace with my Lord so near,
leaning on the everlasting arms.

what hurt the most was seeing her bible, the NIV women's devotional version, lying neatly in front of her picture. its pink cover was faded, it was wrapped in yellowing plastic, and its pages were turning brown. we thought she was leaning on the everlasting arms, and yet there was so much she dreaded and so much she feared, there's so much we dread and fear. it's been debated, whether christians who take their own lives go to heaven: but maybe she knew she could only find that blessed peace of the hymn in physical death. now is that a why? question phrased differently? funnily enough, i felt certain that she had really gone home to be with the Lord.

the homily was about coping with loss, which i somehow felt was entirely inappropriate. honestly, i don't think i was the only one who thought so either. i thought it should have been on loving one another...not that the people there didn't love her. i'm sure they did. it's just that they didn't realise how much, until she was gone.

***
two sundays ago i raised my head after the prayer, feeling rather more light-hearted than when the service had started. and then i looked out into the congregation from the choir pews, and just like that, the feeling was gone. i saw my parents' friend whose husband's a non-christian, and something she said to my mum which she repeated to me echoed in my mind sometimes i feel like a widow. and there, further behind, was the ex-boyfriend of one of my oldest friends. i used to cry because he'd cancel dates with me and my dad would get really angry, he said that no boy should make his daughter cry. then there was a maid who literally had to carry a wheelchair-bound old lady onto the pew.

so many difficult lives. but you can't tell us apart when all our heads are bowed, can you? and you'll never know how we live our lives the other six days of the week unless we tell you. but were you going to ask? and even if you knew, would you do anything about it? could you?

i've had the chance to feel dreadfully lonely. the fact that i didn't type it as Dreadfully Lonely means that i really did feel that way. quents' mother thinks that perhaps, she felt alone, jon thinks perhaps she felt suffocated (there, is that another why? question?).

if it was because she felt alone, then i believe i can see why she did it. being apart from jon, it's like a suddenly i see time: you understand a little more why people do certain things (ah, an answer to the why? question!). why feelings of hopelessness and loneliness are enough to drive people to take their lives, or, on a less drastic level, why they decide to let themselves go and binge eat, or cheat on their partners. feeling lonely, coupled with being alone with your own thoughts, is enough to make anyone go mad or do things they could end up regretting for an entire lifetime.

which is why we have to keep on choosing. choosing God, and thereby choosing hope, and Life. and that's also why we need each other. i think we do play a part in the choices made by those we love, and those who love us; maybe, just maybe, that was the only choice left for her to make. who knows? i know we'll never know why, but i know what we're going to keep on believing.

because He lives, i can face tomorrow
because He lives, all fear is gone
because i know, i know He holds the future
and life is worth the living, just because He lives

is it, now?

you know edward scissorhands
now, there's chloe sourface.

my mother says that the look i get on my face whenever she tells me about how my brother is being damn on in school is one which is decidedly sour. he's been answering questions in lectures, no less. that sort of thing.

i don't think he's had mass p.e. yet. let's see what happens after his first encounter with the sadistic p.e. teachers in acjc. will he still be able to let out an ac gemak gemak, albeit weakly, after they're through with the j1s?

of course, it's a funny sort of sourface. my mother keeps laughing every time i make it. i'm very happy for him.

shangren doesn't seem to want to be my housemate in beijing, something which might ultimately transpire. even though i voluntarily volunteered (is there ANY other way?) to more or less function as domestic help.

***
it still hasn't quite sunk in yet, what's happened. i'm very sorry, joe and josh.

i had a perfectly scrumptious time with adele on thursday, and i'm finally beginning to feel less lazy and more excited about packing part of my life into a suitcase and lugging it to beijing for five months.

all because of her:
this picture doesn't quite do her justice though. we walked into miss selfridge at marina square, and adele dashed forward and said "look!"

she used to be $236 but i got her for $69. nevermind that she's not very thick, she's pretty and i can wear layers. :)

only shumin
can sms me meet you at guardian okay? and when i'm actually at guardian waiting for her, follow that message up five minutes later with a message saying that there doesn't seem to be a guardian at p.s. and can i meet her at the aquarium (is there even an aquarium in p.s.?) instead?

and only she can sms me to tell me sorrowfully that her luggage is overweight and it costs $78 for every extra kg what theeeee (in typical shumin fashion), only to sms me again two hours later to tell me that it wasn't overweight after all, she was looking at the pounds side instead of the kilograms.

only shumin calls me 'clooooboooo!' yes, even when she sms-es me, she bothers to put in all the 'o's. sometimes she even includes extra exclaimation marks.

something caught in my throat as sean and i went down the escalator to B1 of terminal one where she was sitting at burger king, wearing a black tank top, jeans, and a purple sweater which matched her purple hair perfectly. and it was past one a.m. in the morning but she still had her grey contact lenses on, complete with thick eyelash mascara.

i did ask her whether she was going to wear her contacts on the plane and she said of course not! (but you can never tell, with her). which led sean to say oh no so sad you cannot be ang moh already.

she usually looks like she could step on a runway in an instant if only she wanted to, but she'll always be the skinny kid who stuck it through most of Growing Up with me. there are no incriminating photos because all the ones we have of those times were taken when there were no digital cameras to speak of, but i think i'm one of the few who remember her with frizzy, short hair - before she got it rebonded and decided to leave it long so she could hide part of her face, i keep telling her to pull it back - and glasses. it has been ages since i've seen her wearing glasses.

and i don't know when she'll be back in singapore for good. sean thinks that she will do so eventually, and i kinda think so too but i'm not very sure, somehow. that was what made it so strange, and sad, to see her go.

but i know she'll stay the same, really. it's been more than ten years, and there are still strong traces of the shumin who tumbled into my life when i was ten and never quite left, despite the large amounts of time we did not spend together once we entered jc, and after.

thanks sean for driving us to the airport and for sending me back at past two in the morning.

and since i'm doing a "hello friends" kinda thing:

SHANNON LEE LE QUAN YOU @#$!^&*!! YOU O$P$, that's $9.50-$1.20=$8.30.

***
today i cooked dinner. and i decided to roll my pork balls in flour in a bid to make them adhere together and retain their round shape when i fried them. unfortunately, this did not work, and to top it off i shook out more flour than necessary. which i didn't want to waste because there's a wheat shortage, and it's gotten so bad that malaysians might not be able to enjoy prata anymore.

oh the horror, right?! i totally agree. can you imagine not being able to bite into hot, crisp prata, slightly soggy where you dipped it into fish/chicken/mutton curry?

so i dumped the extra flour into the pasta sauce and added extra water. flour is a thickener, you know?

but that made the pasta taste a bit weird.

and, again, i have failed to make pasta with MEATBALLS. pasta with meat, yes, but when will i ever achieve perfect meatballs?

when i told jon about this and all he said was that he's been eating a lot of prata. i wonder why the wheat shortage hasn't affected india, i don't think he should be consuming so much ghee.

***
i have also been poking fun incessantly at my brother, who's just finished orientation. he remembers all the cheers he's been taught, as well as the steps to the mass dance. the only steps i remember are that co-ordinated hand thing we had to do at the beginning, to come on over, and that funny heart-shaped pose we had to make.

i told my mother that, maybe, when you're pure of heart and free from sin, it's a lot easier to have fun doing these silly things. i remember thinking that orientation was silly, and i remember feeling terribly tired and jaded throughout. the former probably didn't have anything to do with the latter, though.

she recently finished watching almost the entire season of coffee prince (which i think i shall watch when i'm in china). it's a korean serial that's currently playing at 2300 on channel u as well.

only my mother, really, can calmly tune in at 2300 to channel u every night and tell us, when we scold her for watching it again, but, you see, it's clearer on tv.

that's the trick, i suppose. to speak of certain things you probably shouldn't be doing as if they were Perfectly Normal Things To Do.

i was reading abi's blogs (yes, blogs in the plural) and I MISS HER MORE THAN EVER!!!
BOOHOO!
and stella's coming tomorrow but she WON'T BE HERE!

i can't believe jon's going to miss meeting two of the people i love the most, viz. stella and shumin (he's met abi already). SHUMIN WHY YOU DON'T WANT TO STAY IN SINGAPORE. and it's getting more expensive to fly to melbourne. or has jetstar started flying there cheaply already?

(i)deal or no deal

tuesday, on the bus home, yalan and i were talking about where idealism leads us. she thought it led, ultimately, to naivete. i disagreed and said it could lead you either to naivete, or to awareness. there were two ends, i said. because i don't think i'm any less idealistic now than i was before - maybe about different things? - but i definitely don't think i'm as naive.

however, perhaps that was just my pride talking. a part of me hates to think that i'm naive in any way, because it smacks, somehow, of broken hearts and people. and that part of me wants to tell the world that i am Grown Up and Mature and Over All That. but i did check the roget's thesaurus for idealistic and naive and the two most telling words i got were perfectionism and innocence respectively. and i have to say that perhaps she was right, after all. maybe idealism can only lead to naivete.

take christianity for instance. if we were always seeking God's perfection, i believe it would ultimately lead to innocence. not innocence in the sense of being guileless, but an innocence of evil. and it would be a choice we made for that innocence, which wouldn't be any less than being aware. perhaps it's not so much that idealism leads to awareness as it is that being aware pushes itself into our lives as we grow older, and we can choose whether to give up our ideals or continue living as inerudite and ignorant of the ways of our generation. or choose to pursue those ideals, if they're worth pursuing.

there's only one ideal really worth pursuing lah, i think. to go on believing that one day we'll see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living (psalm 27:13).

***
God has taught me many things over the past few weeks, particularly during the time when i couldn't sms jon at all because i was in malaysia. it was awful not being able to communicate with him - still, i was always assured that although it was a terrible struggle, it would be okay in the end, and He had His reasons for bringing us through this.

one of the passages for this year's watchnight service sermon was 2 corinthians 12:7-10, and paul writes:

"So to keep me from being too elated by the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, 'My
grace is sufficient for you, for my power (some translations have it 'strength') is made perfect in (some versions insert 'your' here) weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

the being "elated" which paul wrote of wasn't spiritual conceit. it comes from a greek word meaning something like "super-hyper," which i believe would be something like being on an extreme spiritual high, and wanting to spend all your time in God's presence. which would happen if you allowed Him to allow you to experience His love. i think i kinda know how it feels, and there is nothing like it.

yet, although i'm sure God desires this for us, i.e. to worship Him and experience Him, if we were always on cloud 9 we would be of no earthly use. sure, christians are called to be overflowing with the Holy Spirit and to be joyful. but there is so much left to be done on earth, so many people to love and tell about Jesus. if we were always in our own world, literally, no one would think very much of our God, would they? they'd just think we were high on LSD or something. or perpetually suppressing our feelings. what's more we are fallen creatures, human to the last - it would be impossible, even if we desired it, to always be on an extreme spiritual high. because we're bent to sinning, and God hates sin. therefore He cannot dwell in us fully until Jesus' work on the cross is perfected when He comes again.

which is the entire point of being a christian, really. i think it's the only religion which recognises humanity for what it is, and does not fault it for its weaknesses and fragility. paul writes again:

". . . though He (Jesus) was in the form of God, (He) did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." Philippians 2:6-8.

and further,

"For it was fitting that He, for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons to glory, should make the founder of their salvation perfect through suffering. For He who sanctifies and those who are sanctified all have one origin. That is why He is not ashamed to call them brothers. . . Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, He Himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death He might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery. For surely it is not angels that He helps, but He helps the offspring of Abraham. Therefore He had to be made like His brothers in every respect, so that He might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. For because He Himself has suffered when tempted, He is able to help those who are being tempted." Hebrews 2:10-11, 14-18.

just like how Jesus was God in human form, and how He thus assures us that He understands all our sufferings, so christians HAVE to suffer, to grow and thus learn to depend on God. one of the less idealistic books by l.m. montgomery is a tangled web, and she writes of gay, a few months after she's been jilted by her ex-fiance:

"no longer an isolated, selfish unit, she had become one with her kind. she had realised what some one had called 'the infinite sadness of living.' the realisation had made a woman of her."

"If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferigs that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort." 2 Corinthians 1:6-7.

it's not only about going to church and reading your bible everyday. i think being a christian's more about being with your friends and loving them and standing up for them and accepting them no matter what, than it is about anything else. because Jesus loves them, and we were meant to live for so much more. i suppose there's no better way of letting others know that He does put an end to all suffering, than to be living examples of His strength made perfect in every human weakness. it is so comforting to know that He's in control of everything.

that's why i've decided, as part of the believing i said i would do in 2008, to let go of some of my ideals. it's not as painful as i thought it would be, but then i think i am going to be thrown into the Real, Real World (university life only holds one Real, my friends) soon and there's nothing i can do about it. there aren't time turners this side of the universe, the last time i checked. and if i'm going to be able to survive it, without being bogged down by the past - there will be so many more things in the present and future to deal with - then i'll have to. and as i'm thinking about it, i don't think there's anything wrong with it at all. especially since they were ideals which prevented me from really, truly believing in. . . the truth. which is that there is a Godly purpose and reason for all suffering, and i should accept that i/we/all of us had to go through it in order to Grow Up.

as i've said before, that's Life for you. it really is a lot about pride on my part. it makes one feel rather foolish and silly for having to admit that one's parents (alright, one's mother) were right. to admit that age and experience do bring wisdom, and to admit that we do, we have to, and we should learn from our mistakes. because we never want to admit that certain things were mistakes, and mistakes by virtue of the fact that we were too young.

***
i went back to ac yesterday - unfortunately we couldn't find lukas or neil, bryan's brother - and my mother asked me later on in the day if i would relive my jc days, just lived them differently if i had the chance to. and i told her i wouldn't. i've never quite wished to, really. i've learnt many things the hard way, and i'm glad i'm over and done with learning those things - i hope. there's so much more to learn about Life and i'm glad i don't have to spend time on those lessons now.

thank you bryan for being part of the reason why i wouldn't want to relive jc any other way.
my arms look fatter than they do now here right, or maybe it's just the light hurhur.
YOU certainly look skinnier here.
and this is a secret that's not going to be a secret any longer,
i'm sure you'll make a good doctor lah.
despite what everybody says about avoiding you like the plague whenever they're sick -
just so long as you go on doing your best.

but oh, have i been bitter and grudging about having to admit to being young and idealistic and, yes, naive. now that prevents us from truly applying the lessons we've learnt though. it's also kinda like denying that i believe that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to His purpose. they have worked together for good, just as jon's past has, and both our pasts have shown themselves to be working together for our good.

broken hearts, broken dreams, forsooth! we have to live and learn, there's no two ways about it. the sooner i stop having mopey moments wondering why Life isn't quite like storybooks where people are childhood sweethearts and made for each other blah blah blah, the better. it may have been possible before, when one's world was smaller and things, seemingly more innocent. that brought with it its own set of problems to deal with, of course. but i'm part of this generation, and i've finally found the Greatest Love of All. which, if i put away my pride and believe in all that He has promised, is as good as any love story written by l.m. montgomery. better, in fact, because i'm living it. it's just about accepting that every dog has to have its day before it can truly know that it's making the right decision when it finally decides to come home to rest by the fire.

so, no deal, ideals. i can't see it, but i believe that whatever God's offering is far more worthy. i don't think He wants me to go home with less than what He has promised, either.

***
i sat at the coffeeshop near my house with shannon yesterday, placidly eating the slices of lemon - skin and all - which came in my lemon drink, while shannon just sat there stoning into space. i was quite surprised that he didn't make some comment about me eating lemon slices, but he then proceeded to take the cup and eat one of them himself. which led to the sharing of the confidence that we both enjoy lemons, as well as the white part of watermelons, between the red flesh and the green outer layer.

because i ended up pangseh-ing jon (wr)ong last night - YOU DESERVE IT, YOU @##$%$#!!!^^, for all the times you pangseh-ed us - i woke up at 8 this morning so i could be at his house at 9. it's otherwise impossible to get hold of him. although we're all supposed to have supper again tonight, but i doubt it will come to pass.

we spent a while with him on the guitar and me singing, talking about the future, and then we walked pounce, his lovely golden retriever. he doesn't look like he does in the above picture anymore, at all. and we're turning 22, and come august 2008 he'll be leaving and it will be some time before we will see him permanently, properly in singapore again - if that ever happens.

so yes, it might have been suicide to have woken up that early, but it was worth it.

facebook has its uses

it allows you to leach off your friends!

for everything else, there's sms. i am Absolutely Amazed that jon (wr)ong deigned to plan supper tonight. what usually happens is that i'll sms everyone and towards the time we're supposed to meet i'll ring him and scold him for not replying or for being Too Damn Lazy to get out of the house. AND HE DRIVES.

but he rang me this afternoon and actually said he would sms everyone... and he did! 2008 is turning out to be an amazing year.

you see what little faith my friends inspire in me.

i miss abigail very much. not the same way i miss jon, but enough. and perhaps a little more than that at this point. AND i know how to describe the way i miss her. it's kinda like you've finished the bottle of your favourite body spray and when you head down to the shops you discover they don't make it anymore. or, more accurately, kinda like how i felt when i had to buy the 2120 instead of the 1120 because it simply made more economic sense (i didn't really buy the spiel about how the 2120 is an upgraded version of the 1120). but my new shoes are nice, i took them out for a trial run today.

it's okay that she gone but it's just not the same. i shall have to stop taking out my phone and scrolling to her number by reflex.

i'm going to miss my long runs when i'm beijing.