i think i may have found the perfect bowl of bak chor mee today. at the coffeeshop at the end of circular road, the special $3 mee sua. i poured in an entire dinky little sauce holder full of vinegar - shiokness.

however - it might not really have been perfect? because it isn't really bak chor mee unless it's yellow noodles. you think?

but then i also realised something else - perhaps when you're with the right person, that bowl of bak chor mee you're having will always be perfect.

my vegetarian pizza from al dente on valentines day. it was really good.

photos are up!! rather grainy though because they're ripped from quen's flickr site.

taken after the annual chinese new year lunch at jon's place. it's not chinese new year if we don't go to his house and eat all manner of nice things. of course i'll still say grace with you guys.

taken after breakfast at bukit timah market last thursday. quen was on leave - he only ORDs in april poor guy. i think i look. . . glowy. ian we're going to make you hang out more with us.

***
yesterday i sat in the courtyard at raffles place, after wiping off rainwater with my subway napkin. and i ate a toasted cold cut trio and an 80 cent chilean nectarine from this fruit shop and i felt happy to be alive. glad that my mother taught me early on how to choose nectarines. must be soft.

***
anyhow. i think i'm not going for equity lecture today because all thw does is read from his slides. . . even though i do think he's pretty hot. gotta do my public law tutorial.

because i had approximately three hours of sleep (i think it was nearer two) i decided to make myself a cup of milo for energy - no caffeine!!! - and i made it from scratch because the 3-in-1 version, no matter that it tastes really good, is chock full of sugar. which led me to decide that from now on, every saturday, i shall try to make it a point to bait my father, simply because it's just too funny.

apparently, last saturday, the following conversation transpired between my parents. . .
father: so what shall i do for lukas' birthday, anything special, seeing as i'm his only father?
mother: of course you're his only father. saying 'only father' is redundant.

i mean duh right. one son only has one father as such, bar stepfathers.

but i think my conversations with him are the best.

me: daddy!! i don't want to drink my milo, it's lumpy!! (such are the perils of making milo from scratch. somehow there are all these little browny-white lumps. and i hate the taste of milk, i've got to find a good ratio)
father: take off your glasses and drink lor. that way you won't be able to see the lumps. that's what i do. . . if you can't see it, it isn't there.

?!?!!!!

today i decided not to imbibe any caffeine. slightly more than two full mugs of strong tea a day since the holidays began (marks and sparks assam!) do not a happy chloe's heart make. of course this didn't bode very well for my assignment but my heart was okay with it. it was nice being able to sleep properly in the afternoon without waking up every so often because your heart's beating so fast, and i really thank God for the rain.

alas, i think i'm going to have to brew myself some tea tonight. we'll see.

i just got internet in my room - the mio thing - and i'm not sure it's such a good thing after all because i HAVE to start writing substantively but i'm feeling so happy that i just have to blog. haha.

i went for breakfast this morning with the guys at bukit timah market. there SHOULD be photos but quen has no card reader and he can't find his camera cable so. . . until he does these words will have to suffice.

i'm just happy la. jon says i'm like glowy and they keep going on about how i'm in love and the sun's shining everyday and i'm like. . . dudes, the sun IS shining everyday. hello, we stay in singapore remember? and i realised i'm so totally in love with both of them too, like when quen made this absolutely random comment about how today was a special day because jon HARDLY EVER goes to hawker centres because they're crowded and dirty and i realised that it was really true, he's the air-con orchard road boy. or when jon makes his jaded jon comments about love, when he tells me that i'll never be able to sing pop songs because i'm a choir girl. when we both jack quen about his not ORDing until april when practically everyone else in our batch is pinkic-ed already. listening to jon go on forever about how he doesn't need to go out already because he bought some jazz guitar book yesterday, and he's subscribed to this online programme where they teach him how to play the flute.

or when both of them just went on and on and on about how i was in love and glowing. . . okay i'll stop.

but that's not really why i'm so happy.

i'm very proud of both of them. honestly, i never thought they'd actually start growing up (until uni?) but they have. showing strength of character by committing to long distance relationships, seeing the world in other colours besides red blue and gold - i felt a bit ashamed because in some ways they really have grown up faster than i have and i didn't even realise and appreciate them for it. you know how girls always feel they're the superior species, how they've grown up faster than the guys, matured faster spiritually - but it's all nonsense la.

alright enough of this glowy moonbeams and butterflies and sunshine thing. cmi cmi cmi!!11!!!

"many other pictures there were that these arches framed. and all showed some moment when life had sprung to fire and flower - the best that the soul of man could ask or man's destiny could grant. and the really good hotel had its place here too, because there are some souls that ask no higher thing of life than 'a really good hotel.' "
- the enchanted castle, edith nesbit.

she really is one of my favourite children's authors, i never realised how much i appreciated her books until recently. like the treasure seekers, where alice decided exactly how she would like school to be. the railway children. . . which is lovely and beautiful and nice because it's about life and loving your family. and the enchanted castle, just because it's about magic and finding it in the everyday things - it was the gentlemanly ugli-wugli who could speak better than the rest because the children cut a flap for his mouth so he could form words better, who wanted the really good hotel.

something tragic happened this morning. i opened the container of honey weetabix and there were maggots in it!! when i told my mother about this she looked at me blankly for about three seconds and said, "but it's okay what. can still eat you know. like fear factor. they do it all the time."

i was stunned. i just looked at her, shocked. my own mother!! and she's the one who gets all squeamish when they have to eat madagascar hissing cockroaches in the bid for $50,000.

"really. . . it just shows that the food is organic and good for you! you know when you have all the chemicals in the food, they never rot. now THAT'S truly scary."

she's right. but imagine - you're still half asleep, and you want to make yourself a nice bowl of cereal so you can go back to your room and continue praying in the cold light of dawn - and when you open up the cereal box you realise that there are these white worm-things squirming about. wouldn't you be totally grossed out. but still so sleepy that all you can do is dazedly throw away the remaining weetabix - which was tragic because i really like it - and wash out the container and watch the maggots get washed down the sink.

i had some sort of mini-epiphany today, as i'm currently telling lester on msn.

it's been a really long time since i've been able to feel this - myself? is that the word? yes. it's been a really long time since i've been able to feel myself and not feel ashamed of who i am. it doesn't matter what the world thinks, what people in church think, whoever, whenever, whatever. because God made me and He loves me, i am His child and it doesn't matter what i've been through because i had to go through it to get to be who i am today, to be me (okay this is starting to sound so cheesy). and the thing is, everyone goes through different things to become who they are. which is why sarte said hell is other people because sometimes you just want everyone to be like you, to understand things the same way, but jon's right no one's that narcissistic. and i'd probably die if i had to live with myself my whole life - i think i can get pretty intense sometimes. cmi la.

so what do you do? you appreciate the fact that we are all different and thank God like mad that we're not the same.

so if i'm shallow, and i desire nothing more than to vote pap all my life so my estate can be pretty pretty, and if i desire nothing more than to join jon in his quest for the perfect bowl of bak chor mee, continue in my own quest for perfect ming chiang kueh (the one at cambridge market is coming close!!), then so be it. it's just like seeking God, loving God - there's no one way about it, like i always thought there kinda was. God created us all to love Him, and love Him in different ways. and it's not that i don't desire greatness, desire to do things for God's glory. these things will come if you earnestly seek them. perhaps, for now, if you can find greatness in the everyday then - that's true greatness.

you think?

i know.

"not that i am speaking of being in need, for i have learnted in whatever situation i am to be content. i know how to be brought low, and i know how to abound. in any and every circumstance, i have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. i can do all things through him who strengthens me." phil 4:11-13.

and you know what i've really, really wanted this semester? to find the time to come home everyday for lunch. in particular to eat instant noodles with ntuc chicken nugget things chucked in the toaster for 20 minutes, tossed with sesame oil soya sauce and white rice vinegar. with a few stalks of blanched cai sim, as my mother cooks it. i had to cook that myself today, and it turned out a bit wetter than hers probably because i had to use wong bok instead of cai sim.

i really shouldn't be blogging and chatting with ian because there's SO MUCH WORK to be done and it's a terrible waste of electricity because i'm using my dad's laptop and my brother's playing gta and my own computer is running and i'm trying to plan my section on "constitutionalism" but i just have to blog because - haha. i want to have a nice post with new year photos but that'll have to wait.

i just had to blog because - just now i heard someone fiddling around with the vacuum cleaner - lo and behold, MY FATHER WAS VACUUMING THE FLOOR.

i stood there looking at him in amazement and then i burst out laughing and couldn't stop.

father: stop casting aspersions on my intentions!! ( i thought that was too funny to not blog about)
chloe: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA
father: well, i dislodged some dirt in lukas' room when i was asgdfhjhkje with the guitar ( i couldn't hear what he said too well, that's about all i got). . . and i thought i'd just clean up and do the job properly you know?
chloe: HAHAHAHHAHAAAAAA - don't bluff me la daddy you're just scared mummy will scold you!!! DOMINATION (like dota you know)!!! haha!!!

yesterday for lunch i had a bak kwa sandwich, seven love letters, a nectarine, a mandarin orange, and CEREAL. such is life, when your mother's been cleaning the house for the past week and is totally spent after preparing wonderful tuan yuan fan. i love my family!!

i saw mui kheng's valentine's day post and i couldn't resist posting this bit of it here. i'm sorry babe but you know, blogs are public domain after all. if you want to sue me for copyright i'll see you in court.

Right after our happy night BF made me cry :'( when he gave me this:



Bobbi Brown Mini Brush Set!!!

Sigh... had a *heartache* when he flashed it after I opened my eyes. My heart aches for him and his wallet... I LOVE~ BF and the brush set! Chloe thinks I'm shallow. I'm not. Lol.

HAHAHHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's too funny for words, and so sweet!!!!
mui kheng you ARE shallooowwwwww!!!!!!!!!! and yet there's nothing more some girls desire in life than a guy who loves them, and make-up. which is probably why i love you too (:

i had a nice day today.

and i want to post the pictures of us photo-whoring on wednesday night but quentin hasn't uploaded them yet so. . . the world will have to wait to see me in a dress. not that any of you actually want to see, you understand? i understand also.

i also wanted to go running just now, like back to law school to see the year 2 v year 4 soccer match but it started raining cats and dogs - i want a kitten. so i stayed at home and stood at the kitchen counter eating tuna and crackers with my grandmother.

public law lecture was - good. if that's the right word to use, haha. it wasn't arun - he was good la but it was really boring. no it was good because ruishan and i were blue-toothing each other. like writing notes to each other in chinese, taking photos of the notes and blue-toothing them to each other.

tris: what are you two silly girls doing?

i have our entire conversation in my phone, along with a picture of arun ruishan drew which i wish i could post but i can't because i don't have the cable to connect my phone to the computer.

i really don't think our chinese is improving.

oh well.

i was writing a note to a friend this morning, on a page i tore from this very pretty notebook i bought in sec one from barnes and noble in san francisco, when mg brought us there for the golden gate choral festival. i decided sometime in 2004 that i should use it as a sort of journal because it was too nice to go to waste - didn't work out, but i found something i wrote on the seventh of september that year, at six something a.m. and it's quite sad and emo and suits the rainy day so i shall share it with all of you, simply because i remember what eighteen was like. (i think the pages of the book are destined to become pretty letterpaper) i hope you do too.

and you say again that our meetings are bad, when it's at those instances i see your soul flash before me, that i feel my eyes well up with tears for no reason. when i remember all that you are and can be something in me aches. you're still worth it even now; as we grow older more and more people cease to matter. perhaps happy memories are better kept unspoiled.

yet i see you in all your rawness and need, know that you remember, and if things were different maybe we could "try again" - or perhaps a faint glimmer of promise will show, after all we've been through. i'd rather be with you through your silences than with the others and their carefree, inane laughter. i want to hold your hand, make you happy, tell you that everything will be okay - but is there any point, really - i haven't changed inside, i don't think both of us have. and you think so too.

you're still chloe, and i'm still *****, and we'll never forget. (sorry name withheld to protect the innocent. and that's me saying what he said, hence the "you're still chloe")

sometimes, now, i wish i'd taken our relationship even more seriously than i did, wish i'd realised the true meaning of love, friendship and companionship sooner - but perhaps we had to break up to realise all these hitherto unknowns. it's all part of growing up, one surmises, part of what will make us better people in time to come. i love you, you know? and i want to be here. but i don't know whether you want us anymore.

young, headstrong and invincible. i've never let go of that image of ourselves. you knew how serious our relationship was, and i thank you for showing me so. i only regret that i didn't treasure you as much i should have. and if only, now, i could make everything more bearable for you.

i hate to see you go.

i guess sometimes all we can do, really, is pray.

imagine my delight when i found that the setting to psalm 13 in the psalter was the first four bars of finlandia.

***
i think it's when you're able to look back at yourself and realise how unnecessary all that emotion was that you've truly arrived. when you know what you've just let go; you're free of baggage, and you're freely loving God. i don't quite think i've grown up yet, but i can look back at eighteen and quietly chuckle at how young i was, and naive, really. even though i didn't think so at that point. of course not. the arrogance of youth - we never thought we were naive at that age, did we?

and it's not a oh-it's-so-funny sort of chuckle. more like accepting the past and moving on, because there's so much to look forward to in the present and the future. of course you know. i never thought i'd share that passage above on such a public space but. . . it doesn't matter, somehow. it's like a part of me i'd like to share, simply because.

when is the rain going to stop, i want to run and burn off the cupcake of mine which i ate and the two pineapple tarts and get refreshed so i can go on doing my public law assignment tonight.

one kind of emo la. rcmi man.

tim wants to conduct our ceremony on friday.

yes, we're getting married.

WHAT NONSENSE.

haha!! we decided the last time we met up that we would have a bonfire. what we're going to burn shall forever remain a secret but we had these grand plans to jog from his house near serene centre back to mine to bury the ashes because i actually have a garden and there's soil and his garden is. . . a rock garden. he wanted to scatter them somewhere - maybe we should even consider going to east coast and throwing them into the sea, you think?

but i can't make it on friday because i have school, obviously. so i just told him to take pictures of his bonfire and he has to come for my bonfire. which will probably be much bigger than his, unfortunately. i'm sure there's some statute somewhere prohibiting this sort of thing and i should check statutes.agc.gov.sg (you know it's supposed to promote the rule of law and transparency in singapore hurhurhur) but oh well. you've gotta do what you've gotta do.

i suppose you don't truly see your jc friends for who they are until after jc. two years in blue and white, jacking each other in the void deck, countless cups of ribena and packets of hello panda - that's jc friendship for you; for that sort of friendship to truly grow you've really gotta make a conscious effort to meet up and stay involved in their lives.

so.

just like how i only recently realised tim had a fascination for clothes (hurhur) i realised today that bryan has a fascination for cars. zhnging them, test driving them, whatever. which i really don't get. i suppose it's because i'm a girl? but honestly. . . i don't see the big deal about cars.

but it was a good day. i'm glad i met him today, because we discovered that we're in the same boat - again - just like in jc, and we understand.

on a lighter note, my silly friend enoch went skiing and he really cannot make it and since he decided to make this sad state of affairs known to the world i have no qualms putting the video on my blog.



NEH NEH POK!

so tim comes to law school today right, to have lunch and talk cock for a while. he had the beef stew kuay teow - which is really quite good, except that it's quite expensive at $3.50.

tim: chloe, you know you made me sound like a total queer on your blog.
me: maybe you are.
tim: i mean, it was okay that you talked about me reading gq and men's health and vogue but -
me: maybe it's time for you to come out of the closet. like, raise your hand and all you know and tell the world!! get in touch with your inner female.
tim: as i was saying, you really didn't have to talk about the pink argyle sweater.

being the loyal friend that i am, i feel the need to repent.

girls, his royal hotness tim has really nice broad shoulders and nice floppy hair which he really should cut because i don't like long hair on guys but i know some of you will actually be turned on by this. just drop me an email or an sms if you're interested, because he's not gay. in fact, he might turn out to be the best shopping partner you ever had.

hurhurhur.

that's what friends are for. you think?

and!! we've booked ourselves a table at the holland village al dente for valentine's day, jon quen and me. but if it's too expensive we might end up with cold storage chicken and cornettos after all. though i bet they'll fine us if we give up our table.

for some strange reason i'm thinking of change the world.

not because i'm in an emo mood or anything but because i'm in love with that cheesy, overused chord progression - we attempted to put it into once again at worship last friday (didn't quite work), and it's the reason i like Jesus lover of my soul so much.

till then i'd be a fool wishing for the day
that i can change the world
i would be the sunlight in your universe
you will think my love was really something good
baby if i could change the world

at the "something good" part. go and listen.

night cycling was absolutely amazing. however, at this point in time i'm not sure if i want to do it ever again, read: aching muscles and i think my hair's slightly drier today. well okay my muscles don't hurt THAT much, my knees just feel a little sore. and i'm kinda smashed (paul's described night cycling with me lester and joel as "suicidal" on his msn nickname). don't think i'll be able to run until late this week earliest, or next week even. i don't even want to look at a bike now, but maybe when i've recovered i'll be all raring to go again. except for the danger of thunder thighs, ugh. no more skirts for me, think i'll have to wear pants and jeans for life. oh dear but i've bought a chinese new year dress. ah well.

but it was fantastic. going down the tpe at 4 something a.m. in the morning, the wind blowing in your face - you just feel so alive! and insignificant, and thankful that God created all these beautiful things for you to enjoy. i'm slightly worried the police will come and catch me for cycling on the expressway so i didn't want to blog about it but lester says they won't.

i realised this morning that if we flagged off at 2200 (last night) and stopped cycling at 0700 (this morning), that means we cycled for NINE HOURS. lester's gotta go plot the route so we can see how far we went. east coast to town to sengkang/hougang, down the tpe to changi village (a mistake which cost us the race) and back to east coast again. we were also at novena and newton for a bit.

i will remember eating kit kat chunky at 0315 at the junction 8 seven eleven, the first bar of chocolate i've eaten in about 2 years without going on some kind of major guilt trip after that. i will remember singing through all my favourite praise songs/hymns to keep awake, to express my gratefulness and awe for God's creation, and, well, just because i felt like singing. the triumph we felt when we FINALLY found marina south pier. it's quite a pretty place. the smile lester gave me at 0359 under some flyover at ang mo kio avenue one, and the one i probably gave him back, the kind of smile you just understand; we were just so pleased to be doing something as crazily extreme as that together, and thankful for our friendship.

the entire experience actually felt pretty surreal, somehow.

i think it taught me alot about friendship too, and sticking up and holding out for each other. i never expected to actually make good friends in law school.

i had a hotcakes happy meal for breakfast, haha (: the toy was some pokemon pen, of all things.

it was good fun, and i'm glad i chose to go. thanks to paul, joel and lester who took such good care of me and plotted our route and everything because i'm terrible at that sort of thing. it was worth it, the friendship and nonsense and feeling alive again.

i had to play for children's ministry today, and i actually managed to get to church at 9 - thank God derek was playing today because him and i have mo qi and worship went quite well.

it's funny how you can be friends with people for so long yet not know them, really. take me and tim, for instance. i had a perfectly nice day with him yesterday, like the first time we really really went out in our four-year friendship (which is pretty long, if you think about it) and there are so many things i didn't know about him, like, totally, oh wow!

tim: i buy vogue you know. well, okay i bought it once.
me: [silence]
tim: and gq, and men's health. . .
me: oh right, that's the one with the fitness tips.
tim: yes, and they repeat the fitness tips in a year's time you know?
me: you buy it often enough to know?? (i was really shocked. i didn't think ANY of my friends were the sort to read men's health HAHAHAA)
tim: well, yes. . . it's cheaper than vogue. and gq.

i've probably severely misquoted him but too bad.

tim: hey do you think that sweater is nice? (we were walking past fox at marina square)
me: which one?
tim: the pink one on the model in the picture.
me: the girl???
tim: yes.
me: errr, tim, it's a girl sweater. and it's pink. hello?
tim: but i want a pink argyle sweater!
me: isn't that kinda gay? (i'm sorry, i have very set notions about what guys should or should not wear. pink is probably alternative-macho or something but uhhh.. give me navy blue or grey any day)
tim: no. . . i like pinks that are mellow. (that was absolutely the first time i've heard someone describe a colour as "mellow")

he's a closet fashionista. we are SO going shopping. he wants to get wooden hangers because wire hangers make your clothes stretch.

and because i think this conversation with jon is funny - we had it on msn.
me: i got accepted for china exchange!
jon: HOW
me:shen me dong xi!
jon: i meant HAO